Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

Time to get tough OP. Don’t worry about being a nag, your recovery and him taking his fair share is more important.
If he moans about being tired, say ‘I expect I am more tired than you and I’m not complaining’ or ‘I’m not the right audience for this’.
Tell him he needs to take Friday night (or whatever night) with the baby so you get a night off, if you breastfeed, he brings baby to you.
At the weekend, you say I am having a lie in Sunday morning so you will need to be up with baby.
Tell him he needs to sort a food shop/do laundry/clean or whatever. Don’t ask him to ‘help’. Just say x needs doing today.

And if he complains just ignore him or say this is his share of parenting. If he whinges about golf, shrug and say ‘I’m not getting time off to play golf so it’s tough’.

This post is spot on. I have 2 colleagues in my immediate team who chose men like this. One of them has sensibly made the break, the other is a doormat. They do not change.

Oh yes - of course I wasn't suggesting all Dads from the 80s were like this, but mine was SO plausible to talk to. When he didn't think I was in earshot he would imply that he did all sorts of things - nappies (I can count on the fingers of one hand how many nappies he changed) but you would think he was an expert. People thought he was so great - and he really thought he was too. He liked cooking and shopping, but not the messy nitty gritty part of caring for babies (or cleaning). He could walk into a room holding his baby and everyone would fawn over him. I did try and put them right a few times, but I'm afraid people just thought I was a sour-faced misery who didn't appreciate him. My friends' husbands did seem better, but I used to wonder in my darker moments if they weren't putting on a good front too. I think they would have told me if that was so though. My parents had his measure - but not his parents.

(He's an ex now - not particularly for that reason.)

Selfish men never change after a baby arrives. They get worse. They do anything and everything to be out of the house and they use anger to shut down any complaint.
It is abusive.

Unfortunately you have had a child with a selfish man child, a dud.
You and your child are not his priority and never will be. He will do exactly as he pleases.

Men like him don't really love anyone but themselves.
They make shit husbands and shit fathers.
I am so sorry but this is the reality, your reality.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
No cooking, no laundry, nothing.
Focus completely on you and the baby.
Get well, heal, let your mum help you.
If necessary go and stay with your mum for a bit.

You absolutely need good childcare and to return to work.
Its unlikely he will contribute to drops and pick ups, but make sure he pays his share of everything.

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof if you can bring yourself to have sex with this loser, because you really do not want a second child with him.
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I am so sorry that the above is harsh and bleak, but so many women in your position waste years hoping they will give a shit and become decent partners and fathers. They don't.

He has shown you who he is and what he is.
A lazy selfish loser who couldn't step up for a few weeks after his wife had major abdominal surgery having his child.
Men like him are the lowest of the low.
Protect yourself.

Isn’t it obvious that a baby requires work, and the poor mum needs a rest after such a big operation?! What idiot would think it acceptable to play golf BOTH days of the weekend when she clearly needs help?

It’s not about managing expectations, I bet he wouldn’t prioritise so badly at work…

YANBU

I don’t think I could forgive this and you need to have it out with him, else you will hold on to this resentment forever.

You will probably never forget how he treated you after having your first baby.
It’s one of those things that women remember forever.

I think you should have had this conversation whilst he was on paternity leave, as now there’s nothing he can do to correct it.

Its fine for him to play golf but I would have expected a maximum of 1/2 hours once a week.
He should have been doing all of the cooking and cleaning and giving you breaks as often as you need them.

I can only imagine what your mum must think of him!
Shes coming over and cleaning for you, whilst he’s off work and not doing fuck all apart from playing golf.

I don’t understand why you’re being so passive.
Its not nagging to tell someone they need to step up.

If he was that bad when he wasn’t working, then he’s going to be even worse now he’s going back to work.

Yet my DC are in their 40s, and my DH was an older dad.

I never had one issue like the OP. He helped at night. He was hands on during the day. He took over lots of household jobs. He was just there. And there was never one single conversation about it. He just did what needed doing, both for me and the kids

So you didn’t have a discussion with your partner about what life might look like for you both when you had children? This IMO is why so many women come on here after having children with the kinds of posts that OP has.

He’s a dick. Sorry you’ve only found this out now.

I don't know where to start.

He's thoughtless, he's selfish and he has no desire to learn how to be a father or a halfway decent partner

Do friends/golfing partners have children? Are they as selfish?

Has he family who can point out how awful he is?

I'm really sorry. This is not how new parenthood should be

Before this, was it a partnership? Does he share chores equally? Is money equal?

I can't believe there weren't signs of his awful attitude before

I don’t think you understood my post. That’s clearly my point also.

Mate, have the argument about golf. You can’t skirt around it, he is going to try and weasel out of it, but take it head on.

His behaviour is unreasonable. You just had a baby plus abdominal surgery - he needs to step up right now! Do not apologise for needing his help.

As he’s always been a golfer you must have always been spending large amounts of time alone on the weekend. A little unrealistic to have imagined he was going to change that without any discussion.

I had many hobbies I spent hours on before babies. Oddly I don't remember DH sitting me down to discuss that this may not be feasible with a newborn..

I am assuming this is a first child which means a huge change for both of you. There always seems to be an assumption that mum will just adapt immediately to this new way of life which is not the case at all. Of course it needs to be a team effort. Don't be afraid of being honest with him and telling him what your expectations are. If it results in an argument then so what? You will soon find out if he is cut out for fatherhood and whether actually he is bringing anything to the table. Don't tiptoe round him.

Btw, is this a common thing here? I’m not British originally and my friends who married husbands from our country, they don’t have this problem as tasks are shared and the attitude is not like this. My husband is British and my friends who have married British are sort of encountering the same issues as myself.
there’s some weird attitude of the woman does all the kid and house stuff ( even if she has a job and works full time too) . Their mums were sahms and never held a job so I wonder if it’s that, or if it’s them thinking they are hotshots because of their jobs ( they are not such amazing jobs, but they are jobs where you have people sucking up to you all day)

What an absolute prick. That would be the end of the relationship for me. I can't stand men who play golf anyway they are usually absolute morons.
When I look at Dsis husband and the loving care he gave her and his new baby and your H. Polar opposites. Your H isn't worth keeping.

Also, threads like these want me to scream that for all the women who say it is 2024, all is equal now, it really isn't

Yes @Bansheed I was just coming on to say similar. Had my babies 37 and 40 years ago and I could have written the OP's post, except for the golf - he just went out and did other things. Didn't even realise the baby had woken up in the night several times. As I was breastfeeding, there was no question of him helping in the night, as he said - what was the point? But when I was frazzled in the morning, and he said baby had a good night didn't he, and then went out for 4 hours to buy a VCR and visit some friends on the way, I realised that he considered his life hadn't changed at all. It was a low point.

With the second, I was ill and had to stay in bed (fully responsible for the baby of course) but he had to look after DC1 who was still waking - well it knocked holes out of him and he was really annoyed and grumpy that a 2-year-old was still waking in the night. Why hadn't I sorted it out better?

He was better with them when they were toddlers onwards, but the baby years were grim.

But yes, it is very disheartening to hear that the same thing is happening nearly four decades later.

Tell him the following weekend he’ll be looking after baby and the house as you’ve booked a full day out Saturday and a full day out on Sunday, just for you.
His reaction will tell you how he views fatherhood.

Because if you don’t do it then nothing will change . So then it’s leave or go mad yourself. Is it not worth a shot trying to improve things first rather than divorce at the drop of a hat…

How do people think 'explaining', 'communicating' etc will change who he is at core

Honestly? I don't think explaining it will help and its awful that she has to. And he will only change if he chooses to

However, for me, you don't end a marriage without providing the opportunity for your partner to change

This is the time when you really see what they're made of.

I went through something similar in the first 2 weeks and we ended up separating. He couldn't put anyone elses needs before his own. It took a couple of years of him coming and going as he pleased before I put my foot down. Now he sees them twice a week and It's always an effort and he classes it as 'helping me out' rather than parenting.

I coped by not allowing his selfish behaviour to spoil the most precious and special time in my life. I switched to being a solo parent from very early on and any 'help' he gave was a bonus. You can't force them to 'parent' unfortunately but ultimately they are the ones that miss out.

I think you have already started down a slippery slope letting him sleep in the spare room and nipping off to play golf. You need to nip this in the bud NOW. I hate the way some men think that they are the only person tired and the mother just somehow has to suck it up.
When we had our babies we did sleeping shifts overnight so we each knew when we were responsible for looking after baby. Even when my partner went back to work he stayed up until 1am so that I could sleep 5 hours solid between 8 and 1.
You really need to set boundaries now as some men will just do as much/little as they can get away with and this will just continue into the coming years.

Paternity leave is NOT meant for playing golf. My husband was pretty annoying too but yours is even worse. Needs a proper discussion or his attitude is going to continue for the next few years and will be absolutely unbearable.
nip in the bud now…

I had one like this. There was always something to do that meant he couldn't do anything at home during the day or night. He saw me drown and get PND. And then he wanted another baby ...

My DF didn't have paternity leave but the second he was home he looked after me and the home. He saw his own father do the same with his little sister.

I don't get it. He should want to do it. But some men just don't and then wonder why they don't have a relationship with their DC.

Golf both days on the weekend? You need to put your foot down, this is his baby too and you will need help on the weekend. He clearly isn’t concerned about your recovery or the fact you might need his support on the weekend. I’d be telling him that he has a child now, so he cannot be playing golf every weekend, let alone both days.