Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

In 100, 200 years time, women will still be complaining when men just escape the house when a baby is born.

{My husband did}

There used to be a website by men that seems too have disappeared, called ''I hate my baby'' or words to that effect.

Men who said their wives went from glamorous, fun beings to tearful drudges, and how the house was a mess and their babies' crying annoyed them.

They saw the baby as their WIFES {Or girlfriend's} decision, not theirs.

Pages and pages of moaning.

Two couples I knew who were desperate for a baby and spent years on fertility treatments split up once babies landed.

Some men are just hopeless around babies.

Not 'ex'?
And if he didn't do it for the first one, did you think he'd do it for the second?

All men are most certainly NOT like this.
My husband adored our babies and did everything he could.
Likewise my friends.
They really did their best and are doting fathers to this day.
Unfortunately losers like the OP's husband go for soft doormat types that they don't really love, but think they can dominate and bully into letting them do exactly as they please.

This is akin to benefit fraud. The employer pays the paternity leave and then reclaims most of it from the government , ie the taxpayer, ie you and me! We do not pay for paternity leave so that he can play golf.

I had EMCS under GA with ds. dh went back to work after 2 weeks of paternity which was ok. But during paternity he was basically hovering the whole time making sure I had everything I needed, going to shops, doing all household chores and tidying. tbh was partially glad to see the back of him to get some peace😂

Once back at work as soon as he was back in he was back to helping. He did all baths and nappies when he was in and the bulk of the cooking, while I did most of the comforting (advantage of having boobs!).

Have you had words with your dh about his lack of support / what being a good parent entails at this stage and how he needs to step up?

I think I've got The Rage

WHY the fuck do you make stupid excuses for useless men? Are you one?

Can they hold down a job? Are they of average intelligence? Do they have eyes and ears? And a modicum of love for their life partner?

What 'subtle signs' are there with raising a family? They're hardly bloody subtle! They're right in your face.

WOMEN have to learn how to do it. It's not instinct and it's not innate. They look, they read, they talk to others, they listen, they LEARN. They do that to run homes and lives and bring up children.

Why do men think they don't have to do this?

Wow what a loser.

I would tell the midwife what he's doing, and get them to read him the riot act on next visit.

It can come better from a third party.

My husband was a shite father, {I posted above} but my neighbour is a BRILLIANT dad!
I hear through the wall {Victorian terrace}

He sings to his babies and does loads.

He really is superb.

My husband never changed a nappy.

{Maybe a wet one, once} Sadly there is no way of knowing how good or how shite a man will be when a baby arrives.

Son is grown now, but his 'Dad' still lets him down.

Also, presumably his work believed they were giving him "paternity leave" not "golf leave". If he wants golf leave, he should get a group of likeminded men together and they can collectively petition for the right for men to get paid time of to play golf and not look after their wife/baby. If enough people are persuaded its a worthwhile cause they might succeed. Till then, he's full of shit.

My lovely health visitor when I said my husband was just like @Boymumtobe09 said ''Men really don't like babies- ''

I was shocked, but seems she is right.

A vast amount of men just bugger off to get away from the noise and change of routine from the normal quiet.

My husband went on a band rehearsal the very afternoon I came out of hospital.

It was no surprise when he left when DS was 4.

I am really sorry, Boymum, that your husband is a hopeless father.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I am incensed on your behalf about your dh ignoring your need for sleep following major surgery and being so ‘grumpy and impatient’ with you such a short time after you have given birth.

He sounds like a selfish, petulant child having a tantrum. He is thinking only of himself and refusing to consider your needs or those of your (shared) child.

I understand you probably feel extremely vulnerable atm and are finding it hard to stand up to his unacceptable behaviour. However, I am going to play Devil’s advocate here because it sounds as if he knows full well that you will give in to his tantrums. You have already enabled his selfishness by suggesting he sleeps in the spare room (which hasn’t even stopped the morning)! I imagine (please correct me if I’m wrong) that if you suggest he cancels his golf or that he looks after dc while you take an equal amount of time for yourself, then he will have further tantrums and make life so miserable for you that it feels easier for you to give in and just let him do what he wants. Unfortunately, the more you give into his selfish demands, the more he will continue to make them! He will never behave like an adult man and stop having toddler tantrums all the time they are an effective way of getting what he wants from you.

I also wonder how much your mum being there to do the things HE should be doing for his wife and child has impacted his behaviour and further enabled him to behave like a selfish child. I am certainly not trying to make excuses for him, but he may even feel inadequate compared to her. If so, this could be behind him running off to play golf. Perhaps he chooses to run off to somewhere he feels more in control rather than express his own vulnerability and fears about his ability to care for you and dc. If he’s not able to discuss his feelings with you then I’d definitely suggest some couple therapy to set the boundaries asap. Please don’t let this situation continue as the pattern will become increasingly entrenched and full of resentment.

I think, as others have said, you must be very clear with your dh that you need to renegotiate a new, adult dynamic to share the care of your dc more fairly, with equal time for hobbies/sleep and regular family time and (whenever possible) couple time too!

Do NOT worry about coming across as nagging.

You are not nagging. You are telling him what a decent father and husband would do, because he doesn’t appear to be able to work it out for himself.

Don’t be afraid to get angry and give him a (verbal) kick up the backside. Otherwise this will just continue and you will get more and more resentful and exhausted.

You need to be very very clear that by default he is supposed to do 50% of the parenting because he is just as much a parent as you. If he wants to play golf that is by agreement with you and you need equal time off in return.

Strongly agree with pp who said it would be a very good idea for him to take some extended parental leave where he has sole care not alongside you. Not now but once baby is older towards the end of your mat leave. This is the only way there is a chance he will “get it”.

2 days of golf at the weekend when you have a newborn is an absolute piss take. As PPs have said, this needs a serious conversation asap.

He's going to be like one of the blokes on a work call I was once in, who was congratulating himself on always booking work meetings late in the day so he missed getting home to do bedtime for his kids.

Fucker.

You're completely right.

Raising children is an extremely expensive and time consuming hobby and if you choose it, you don't get downtime for the first few months. You can't be a parent to a newborn AND golf, there isn't the hours in the day.

When we think of a new mother getting "downtime" we think of her having a shower, taking a nap, maybe getting a haircut- basic self-care tasks. Not going off for several hours on 2 consecutive days to spend time with friends without the baby.

Obviously it doesn't have to be in a row @MissTrip82 .

4 lots of one hour at a time - a bath, a walk, a coffee out, nails done - all should be happening.

I'm sorry for you and your friends if your relationships aren't equal.

OP has said that her DH actually wanted children a few years ago, before she was ready.

Eww massive ick.

Moral of the story: don't marry or have kids with golfers, gamers or potheads. Complete wasters.

This doesn’t really work with breastfeeding but also this early? No I didn’t expect equal downtime at this stage, I expected a lot more from him as I recovered from birth.

I can’t think of a single new mum I’ve ever met who spent hours a week on a hobby in the first few months.

Nip this in the bud now OP. He may have grown up in a household where this kind of behaviour from a male parental figure was acceptable but you must tell him in no uncertain terms this is not how you are going to be building your family unit. If he cannot step up (and that means dropping golf entirely for a few months in my opinion) I would consider moving back in with your parents for a bit so that you can have some much needed support.

Like a PP, I also find him seemingly not wanting to be around you and his baby sad. The damage isn't only to your relationship with each other, but also to his relationship with them. I bf all mine, but dh would sit with them asleep on him for hours to give me a bit of uninterrupted sleep, and he loved those times. He'd take them anywhere he needed to go (barring work obv!), and as they grew into toddlerhood that developed into them having their dad-and-child things they'd go and do. I could go away overnight from when they weren't night feeding any more and know they'd be just fine. Now, if anything happened to me it would obviously be awful but I'd have no worries about them not having a strongly bonded parent figure in their lives to help them through and comfort them. In not getting stuck in in the early days, your dh is failing to lay foundations for that kind of vital bond.

What a total waste of space. Paternity leave is not a golfing holiday. That time off was granted to him to LOOK AFTER THE MOTHER AND BABY. We were about 2 years in when it became realistic for us to start to pick up our hobbies again. It sounds like he thought you would have a baby and he would go back to his normal life. Selfish, childish man. I'm so angry for you OP.

Subtle signs?! What’s subtle about a woman giving birth and a new baby being in the house? Or are you suggesting men are so incredibly thick that a woman needs to explain to them that as a parent, they need to look after their baby?
He’s not oblivious, he’s selfish.

He sounds useless. Mine was an older first time dad, totally out of his depth and pretty terrified by the whole
thing, especially with a difficult birth and a lengthy hospital stay for me and baby. But he put in a lot of effort working out what he needed to do.

He did all of the cleaning, laundry and cooking on paternity leave and annual leave (four weeks in total). He carried on with the cleaning and most of the laundry when he went back to work.

He slept in the spare room so he could get some sleep whilst I did night feeds, BUT then took baby first thing in the morning so I got a block of sleep in then.

Once he was back at work, he took baby for three hours once he got home so I got a break every day.

Did yours have any idea what it would be like?! We had a conversation about free time and how we'd have less of it but we both wanted the other to still have some.