Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

Having been a man for even longer I can completely agree. Except I'd also add football fanatics. Men who have well paid and long houred jobs are usually bad as well. Of course all humans need a bit of down time but it's all about sharing the good and the bad.

Pull him up sharp.
You think you're tired? How about thinking about me.
Parenting is 50 50 and being on the golf course is not involved.
You have let us down during paternity leave.
How are you going to set this right?
I will not be telling you what to do, but I do expect you to be doing 50 per cent of the parenting and household jobs. Some of that parenting will be about meeting my needs while I nurse our infant, because of biology.

Fucking men. Honestly. Your husband is a selfish twat.

Decent husbands and new fathers are present and doing everything they can when on paternity. My husband had two months paternity. I had two fast births and was told I had to basically sit with my feet up for the first few weeks. DH brought my coffee, my meals, did 95% of the nappies, helped in the nights, did all the housework and with the second one, did everything for the toddler. I just sat, read books with the toddler, and breastfed the baby really.

I wonder if men like the OP's 'D'H are even aware of how much damage they are doing by behaving like this. Being a new mother is the time of life when a woman is at her absolute most vulnerable, and she will always remember how she was treated by the father of her child. If he does not step up as he should, it will probably never be forgiven by her.

It is true that plenty of other men do step up.... enough to make it obvious that there really are no excuses for this selfish behaviour. Using what should be the precious 2 weeks of paternity leave to play golf is just inexcusable.

I feel genuinely bad for people who have had this experience. In addition to my DH, I know lots of men - brothers, brothers-in-law, friends, co-workers and most of them consider having children an amazing thing

He is a crashing disappointment. My god. I’m sorry. Paternity leave is not for him to play golf and moan that HE is tired after he wife has endured a C-section and is postnatal. What a selfish cunt and a fail of a start to his fatherhood. 😞

@Parky04 the OP had specifically said that he was keener than her to have children.

Having been on Mumsnet a while, I’d say this is spot on.

WTAF? You're disappointed? I'd be a lot more than disappointed. He is a massive twat and I'd be absolutely bloody incandescent.

It's called Paternity Leave. Paternity means fatherhood so Paternity leave is for him to get used to being a dad and to spend time with his new child and support you, his partner. It's not for fucking playing golf! You need to spell this out to him.

I would go nuclear at him and make it quite clear he has to do his share of parenting and housework and that playing golf all weekend is unacceptable because he is needed to be at home. If you don't put your foot down now, this is how it will always be.

Hasn't your DM had something to say?

They don't. The majority of men do not want children.

I'm 6 weeks post my second c section (first was last year so I've had two close together) and I can still barely walk longer than twenty minutes at a time before I'm incredibly uncomfortable and in pain, my recovery has been a little complicated though.

At two weeks post section, I was sobbing every time I had to shuffle myself to the bathroom, so I couldn't imagine doing it alone at that stage!

He sounds pretty self centred and selfish, which doesn't bode well when this is the very beginning of parenting.

Of course a question has to have relevance - that's how conversations work.

Your question would suggest the amount he played golf previous to having a baby bares relevance to expecrations of his behaviour after having the baby. It also shows in how OP answered the question - having to add that she didn't expect his high level of golfing to continue.

As PP have said, many men just seem to think they can continue as before. That's not the case. Things have changed. The amount of golf he played before having a baby is irrelevant.

I genuinely don't understand. He's just become a father, which is amazing.

Surely he wants to spend this tiny opportunity of two weeks with the baby?

This!
And tell him right now.
Also, tell him he has to do some night duties at the weekends so you can catch up with your sleep. Then you and he can take turns during the weekend day times so you both get some additional sleep.

One thing I learnt, too late in life, is that whilst no one is perfect, selfishness needs to be the characteristic trait you absolutely don't have a baby with. It just doesn't work.

For those saying you should know before baby is born, I do agree a bit, but for me I wasnt modelled a good relationship via my parents, and dismissed my now ex (it's inevitable with selfishness) husbands selfishness with 'No one's perfect and he has lots of good qualities'. Benefit of hindsight - not ones that were ever going to result in him being a good choice to ptocreate with.

I agree that plenty of other husbands manage to step up and meet their responsibilities as fathers. But I don't think it is fair to say of the useless ones' partners that they must be 'soft doormat types' - that veers towards victim blaming. The reality is that plenty of these men are very good at hiding their selfishness until the babies arrive, when the shit hits the fan. It sounds as though the OP had very little warning of this behaviour and attitude from her 'D'H.

And it is not easy to be assertive when you are recovering from major abdominal surgery straight after a 9 month pregnancy, on top of caring for a tiny baby.

What an arsehole.

He thought paternity leave was a holiday with a bit of playing with baby. And got cross when it wasn't.

He needs to put the weekend golf on hold for a while.

You are recovering from major surgery and have a new baby. It's his job to care for you and lighten your load.

Unfortunately he sounds like a selfish twat and this may be your life now.

Definitely not okay. I had an emergency section and my partner’s paternity leave was spent getting me whatever I needed, snuggling as a family on the sofa, doing housework, cooking dinners, and taking us to appointments. Golf definitely needs to be at the back of his mind for a while, until you’re back to full health. And certainly not an all weekend consuming activity any longer, that’s no longer an option at least until children are all grown up!
And once baby is a bit bigger, make sure your time is balanced so he gets some golf too me, but you also get some solo time, and you all get family time.
He needs to grow up and start putting his family first.

What upsets me most on your behalf is that your dh should WANT to be there with his new baby, he should enjoy his time with you both.

This is a very good point and I agree. It is very clear on the gov website that the purpose of paternity leave is to look after the child; by treating it as an extended holiday the OP's DH (and other men like him) are effectively defrauding the taxpayer as well as their employers.

My husband was a hard worker, very clean and tidy, cooked- and was kind to animals and cared for them well. {and was nice to his mum and dad}

Just was a useless father.

How can one keep a man indoors?

I'm far from a doormat, and I doubt OP is , either.

One cannot lock the doors and insist the man stays indoors.

There is just no way of knowing how useless some men are around babies.

My husband was a hard worker, but a useless father.

I definitely didn't have another child like he wanted {!}

There is just no way of knowing how a man will react to a baby, unfortunately.

There absolutely is a way of "telling" how a man will be as a father. Is he patient and kind to people ? It shows in how he drives, treats hospitality staff, his mum, his nephews and nieces. Is he great on the day to day life stuff or just birthdays and date nights? Does he own his mistakes, and try to do better? Does he listen to you - and hear you? What values does he have? What does he say about women in general?
Was his place clean and tidy enough before you married? Does he cook and then clean up? Does he show kindness when you're ill?
I could go on. The "ooh wow who'd have guessed he'd be a tosser" line is utter shite in the vast majority of cases.
Make better choices ffs

'Birds of a feather flock together' is a phrase that rings true for parent friend groups.

We gravitate towards people who possibly had a similar upbringing and have the same approaches/beliefs etc as ourselves.

So you get the groups, like the op and a few others on this thread, whose husbands are all sexist, selfish losers but seemingly get away with it because it's the norm in their group and 'Dave's wife lets him go on holiday 2 minutes after babies born and if you don't you're a nag.'

And then luckily you also get the groups of families whose husbands were brought up to understand equality and wouldn't dream of playing golf both days of a weekend when they have a baby. Because that is absurd.

My partner was exactly the same after the birth of our first. It was heartbreaking and exhausting. He went away on golf weekends and weekends with friends and I was stuck at home with a baby who screamed for 10 hours a day for 7 months.

At 8 months pp one of his friends had a very stern conversation with him where they basically said 'what do you think you're playing at, you'll end up alone'. This conversation had nothing to do with me and was completely initiated by his friend.

Since then he's been a changed man and we now have 2 children and he's so hands on. It needed an outside perspective to shake some sense into him though and it very nearly broke us up.

Like others have said, I think some men think their life will just carry on as normal after a baby. You're on mat leave so you will look after the baby and they have no comprehension that you might need a break too.