Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

He needs to change or LTB. You need as much down time as him and he needs to be spending quality time with the baby too.

Don't make yourself any more vulnerable. Get back to work after maternity leave, go back full time and don't have another baby with him.

The problem is, a lot of men have the idea that maternity leave/paternity leave is a bit of a doss because you are just at home "what do you even do all day". Some women think that too but actually experiencing the reality cures them of that misapprehension - the same with men who actually do their fair share. But the OPs husband has had a lovely relaxing 2 weeks doing very little and I BET he goes back into the office with the idea that looking after a baby at home all day isn't so hard compared to his big job (and to be fair it isn't if someone else is doing everything).

Sounds like the usual tale

Feckless men not stepping up to responsibilities

Good luck, it's a lonely journey with a way next to you. Sadly it won't change or get any easier.

I can already hear the next words coming out of his mouth. "I've been working all day and need a rest/uninterrupted sleep/golf".
Guess what! being at home all day with a newborn is harder. You need to be a team or you're not going to get through this.

Op, congrats firstly.

I hope you heal ok.. I know it’s hard. It’s been challenging for us too. Nothing really prepares you for your first. It’s going to be a big adjustment and it will take time - you are both going to get there. Best have a chat with him, when you are both calm. Your mindset should be we need a resolution not it’s going to turn into another row.

We fortunately had my mum come stay with this. This helped my confidence a bit with a newborn and still gave hubby time to do things he needed so sort of had to phase parenthood for him. His confidence grew too and he now offers to hold baby/feed/change rather than high tail out the room everytime she cries. Best of luck - you both will give it out. Fatigue makes everything seem worse

Didn’t mean that either…you’re reading far too much into my comment that wasn’t stated and wasn’t meant. But I suspect you know that as well.

TBF on the 3 men I know who have taken paternity leave they have been brilliant.
One is one of my bfs. He did 6 months with ds1 and 8 months with ds2. His wife is a much higher earner than him.
He is a very hands on sad. 8 years o. Does all pick ups and drop offs works a 35 hour week but works around the kids ( as mainly women have to).
He does more than half of the cooking and cleaning because his wife works more than him.
The only people that seemed to struggle with this is his mother who acts as if it is somehow taking away his masculinity!

I can't imagine tolerating him either. But this woman loved him enough to marry him and have a baby with him so she clearly doesn't hate him.

Having such a strong reaction of utter hatred to someone you have never even met, don't know and have only read a few sentences about is extreme behaviour. The whole port is very dramatic and immature.

Wow, booked golf for next weekend. Says exactly begat he thinks

It summed up perfectly what my reaction was too. I can’t imagine tolerating him sleep deprived whilst he went off to play golf having agad a rest.

He needs to get his ass kicked yes. Don't infantalize him by saying he needs direction. He knows what he's doing and he does what pleases him regardless of you and your baby.

I’d be seething with rage honestly. This sounds awful. Is he actually worth being with?

You seriously don’t need to double down on it. I never said anything of the kind about needing to be told “oh so gently” that you couldn’t continue with hobbies as can be seen by all but you seemingly. Read my post. It simply says that you should have the conversations about what life will look like after you have children BEFORE you actually have them. And that clearly means all of your lives together. I said nothing more and nothing less.

And clearly, from this and too many other posts to remember on MN, people don’t have these conversations pre baby and are then on here questioning whether they are unreasonable to expect the other parent to pull their weight. Obviously there are a swathe of people-often men who DO actually need it specifically pointing out that life changes and you can’t be off playing golf every weekend, or cycling all day or getting pissed and hungover all the time. That you didn’t need that pointing out is great. Neither did I, but many do.

I’m not sure why you keep picking at me, and deliberately misinterpreting my posts but hope that draws a line.

I would tell him to come back to your bedroom so he can help. Start to give him a list of jobs that need doing if he’s incapable of taking him own initiative.

I think you’ll cope better with him out the way at work but his carefree attitude needs to be nipped in the bud early.

"Subtle signs"

Its PATERNITY leave. its time away from his work that his office gave him (as they are legally required to) in order to support his wife and look after/bond with his baby in the first few weeks after birth. Why the hell did he think his work gave him this time if not to support his wife? Literally the government, and his HR department who have never met the OP are aware that she deserves assistance. If they wanted to give him a free holiday to celebrate the fact that he procreated - they would have called it "Golf leave".
If he took sick leave and then sent his boss a picture of himself Jet-skiing in Florida would you be defending him saying "men are bad at picking up on subtle signs from bosses that paid sick leave is for when you are sick. So unreasonable,"

Subtle signs… like the new baby and his wife had surgery? So subtle, I hope the op has since let him know that he has a baby now and she had a c section.

My comment said that DH didn't explain to me that I cannot continue with all my time-consuming hobbies - to which you replied that oh, didn't you discuss that.
No, no we didn't.
Finances, childcare, that we both should be equal parents - sure. The fact that life will change and we can't continue like single people did not need to be specifically pointed out.

This. They get away with being a failed adult because blind eyes are being turned generation after generation.

They laugh about it down the pub or at the club house or whatever though.

@Boymumtobe09 im so sorry you’ve experienced this. Having a baby is such an emotional rollercoaster and with fatigue it’s even more important that things are balanced between you.

i would suggest partner moves back to own bedroom, i really suggest this to break this narrative that solid uninterrupted sleep is just for working parents. Good quality sleep is for all living beings to function well. He just has to learn to tolerate this. It also helps because it helps him understand that you’re not on a break the next day either.

I would suggest your discuss your expectations to your partner and that whilst naturally baby is going to be more attached to you etc, his role is supporting you and your needs as well as developing a bond with baby. He has to work on that bond.
he should be able to use initiative to pick up tasks that need doing but if unable to do so then instruct. You can word it to say you’re concerned about his transition to a dad and the need to step up (rather than you’re being a crappy partner!)

I really hope things get better. I had a lot of challenges with my husband when our second was born and we had several fights, until I actually became concerned at his disengagement (as I saw it) and asked him to get some help as at that point I thought he may have postnatal depression (it’s often missed in men), we saw a huge improvement once things were addressed In that manner. Ie concern for his lack of motivation to do something supportive (eg stepping in at night when it was clearly unsustainable for me).

I hope this conversation went alright op and wasn’t just full of him saying you don’t understand how much golf means to me! (Subtext: more than you or baby), or that gem : it’s good for my career so I’m doing it for us! (Bullshit)

No, you meant how silly and naive of you women to imagine the man who chose to share his life with you and have babies would actually care about you or expect to have a role in caring for his own baby. Silly and naive indeed. These men said the right things to make women think they’d be decent partners, it’s only when it’s too late that they demonstrate they are selfish assholes who don’t care about either their wife or newborn baby.

Bloody hell this is OTT! Get a grip! Of course she doesn't hate him she married him! Why do you hate him? You don't even know him!

Don’t be obtuse. That’s not what I meant and you know that.

DH indeed didn't sit me down and explain gently that disappearing for hours every weekend might not be feasible with a baby. Somehow I realised it myself.