Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

Why? Do you require 24 hour care?

He's being a shit Father and partner and ruining this experience for you. It would be easier on your own because you have no expectation. I am always surprised when men only have two weeks off. Can't they save up any more annual leave? The first two weeks he should be looking after you, cleaning up, and the baby should be his world. No way should he be playing golf. Lower your expectations of him from now on and I would consider splitting up.

Op you are not being unreasonable.

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and married to a golfer who plays most weekends. I have made it very very clear that once the baby is born that golf no longer takes priority, yes I have no issue with him playing but it has to be worked around us.

His mother has already offered to keep the baby on saturday mornings for a few hours if he wants to play to give me some time to myself as she will probably only see baby about once a week due to work and distance but for the first few weeks I expect him to be to support me and baby.

My husband is quite honestly the best bloody dad ever but was completely AWFUL when both kids were first born. Just genuinely couldn’t handle the lack of sleep which I honestly found pathetic. First baby was hard and then he got better as he bonded and then second time it was the same but I recognised the pattern and so we made changes to how we played it. Absolutely no point you both being knackered so we tag teamed - I got my sleep early evening etc . I genuinely think looking back he had some kind of PND or whatever the male equivalent is.

so no you are not being unreasonable but it’s a massive change for you both - just make sure you keep discussing it and adjusting together - I do think it takes men longer to bond and feel like they have a practical use with the baby

That’s actually such good advice - tell people about him, don’t cover for him.

Totally unacceptable, he sounds a selfish man-baby. I hope you can both work it out.
Btw as we both worked long hours in the week we kept weekends free for our kids. Often went out Saturday night thanks to babysitter.
Husband gave up golf and I gave up tennis until youngest went off to uni - after all it’s impossible to do everything, life has to change to some degree after babies, we decided to put them first.

Whilst she was likely awake for large portions of the night dealing with the baby on her own.

These posts make me so sad, I had to fight my other half off to get a “go” of the baby when he wasn’t at work, it made it all such an amazing experience I wish everyone had that ☹️

You weren’t on your own, he was in the same house in a different room.

Paternity leave is paid (albeit badly) so he's really just cheated you, his employer and the government by using his time which is paid to look after you and baby, to instead play golf.

When I think of all the men campaigning for more Paternity leave, this is one of the most selfish actions.

My husband also went into the spare room and decided to sleep in there for three months after I gave birth. My son's 7 months old now and I still think about my partner leaving me on my own during a really vulnerable time not sure if I can forgive him, don't make this same mistake, speak up now and demand more.

He sounds like a selfish prick, like most men

Oh dear. So disappointing when new fathers turn out to be so weak.

You have had a taste of things to come and it will continue if you don’t both discuss some ground rules. DH was a godsend in the first two weeks after my c-section but I have had to tell him more than once since to pull his socks up and it’s not gone down well, but it’s been necessary. Set the rules now or you will be continually pissed off and resentful. His behaviour is pretty disgusting to be honest.

He is telling you who he is
are you listening? This is it Do you want this life ?

I was you 20 years ago. Ex took no time off at all , was in the pub or working for the first three months of our daughters life
did nothing around the house. Changed 0 nappies moaned about how ‘tired he was’ and ‘he had work tomorrow’. As did I but ‘that didn’t count’. And every time I asked for help he said no because ‘you wanted the baby’

One of the many reasons he’s an ex

After countless threads about those that have cycling or golf as a hobby, I’ll be advising my DD to run for the hills. The men who do these hobbies seem to be selfish twats.

what a lazy man it’s his baby Tok tell Jim he needs to
do washing cooking cleaning shooing etc so you can rest Can’t you rope in his family to help or your mother I used to tell my patients partners their role(I was a midwife )No help from his family as all my mother in law in law wanted to do wanted to do was give a bottle No way z they just wanted to sit and be waited on useless husbands family Make your life as easy for yourself easy meals order shopping online Good luck

A

Hi op,

It is a big change for both of you and unfortunately loads of the family (baby, event, house…etc.) still fall on women if not pointed out/clearly agreed on by both parts.

The man taking himself out of the family home where all the work is needed is very much of a storyline of a lot of women so, take a board, write down allllll the tasks that need doing and share with your hubby. No. Do not point him in the direction…that is why women bear all the mental load. Give him the final result and off he goes.

About the golf…as long as all he needs doing and time/bonding with baby is done…I would let him off the hook. He might « exchange » his time with you with time with baby if he is introvert/like to be on his own or golfing. It is a season. It will change again when he is ready.

What is his relationship with your mom? If she spends loads if time at yours, you might want to consider asking him if that is ok…?

All in all, congrats on your babe! It is a big change, adjusting isn’t easy. Be gentle with yourself and daddy.

Good luck 🌺

Does he not understand that after a week of him being in work you will desperately need his support at home...he just can't spend all weekend golfing it will destroy your mental health

Another useless twat - there are so many of these fuckers

Completely agree, which is what mine did. Two weeks after the birth then a few months when i went back to work.

This is beyond disappointing, it is really upsetting and worrying for you that he's behaved like this. But if this is his first child there is a huge adjustment for him to make as well as for you, though in a very different way. Try to keep talking about how you are both feeling about being new parents, and hopefully you will reach a position of understanding and sympathy.

I actually think there is a benefit to men taking it at a different time to the mother rather than immediately after the birth (I guess that could work since birth but most mothers wouldn't want to be away from their baby immediately after giving birth. Your body is literally going "where's the baby" Plus its healing. If they are looking after the baby themselves (while mum goes back to work or to do something else) in the day then they have to do everything themselves.

This is nuts. This is not what paternity leave is for. I'm sorry he's such a twat.

My dh also shared mine 14 years ago. I did until she was 9 months old and he did a few months after that. I honestly believe that is what made all the difference. He was also a good parent but that made him also mental load (almost) equal. Keeping up with baby groups and classes etc. and managing the home as well.