Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

So bloody selfish. It is hard enough looking after a new baby without having a needy man moaning about not getting enough sleep. Time to start putting yourself and the baby first. Leave him to do his own washing and cooking. Maybe take yourself off to stay with your mum for a while. Take care of yourself.

I wouldn't expect you to both be doing night waking, it's silly to both be tired. But the benefit of that is that he takes the baby in the day so you can sleep. He does the chores so you can focus on the baby's needs. Men do feel a bit "useless" with a newborn (because babies want their mummies) but going to golf isn't on.

What an absolute prick OP.

I know you're exhausted and probably don't have the energy for a row, but time for a conversation with him about what he thinks life is going to look like now.

As everyone has said:

• equal leisure time (if he won't agree to this, keep asking why not)
• during his working hours, the baby is your job. Outside of that, you have equal responsibility for the baby and the house.
• he doesn't get to cop out of the overnights just because he's working. Neither of mine were sleeping when I went back and I managed to do my job.

Shared parental leave is a great idea. DH took a month each time I went back to work and it resets things a bit. You might need more than a month.

Every time he is a lazy prick during your maternity leave, remind him you'll be doing the same during his SPL.

Don't let him pull the "the baby only settles for you" crap. You're both parents, so if the baby will only settle for you then that means he needs more practice. (Aside from breastfeeding obviously!)

Yes it sounds as though he is expecting his life to go on unchanged while you shoulder all the responsibility of actually being the parent to your lovely new baby.

You really do need to have the discussion about how now he has a baby and a wife trying to recover from giving birth to his child he has to change the focus of his life.
Totally sad that he can't see this for himself and it doesn't bode well for the future. And if he really isn't interested in being an involved, committed partner and husband you would be better off without him.

It’s your relationship and for you to help him change. Slightly rash to leave him because he played golf whilst on paternity leave. Lovely to have your mum to help, but did that offer the opportunity for him to escape to the golf club? You need to nip this in the bud now. Dealing with a new baby is a very sharp learning curve and he’ll be way behind before you know it. Take the advice from @Bestyearever2024

Congrats on your new baby OP x

He's a lazy bastard.

You need to make your needs and his responsibilities clear, unambiguous and unapologetically.

Too lazy for cycling?

My DH took as much leave as possible int he first 3 months of our son’s life. He worked 12 days in that time. He did the majority of cooking cleaning in those 3 months and did everything he could to give me downtime. We talked a lot about our expectations of each other would be when baby was born.

It sounds like your husband expected his life not to change at all, which is entirely unreasonable.

This.

My DH took 6 weeks off and I did nothing in the house for the first few weeks.

What’s he’s done is not ok.

What's with all these selfish golfing men recently? Did they even want children in the first place?

I also can't believe he's already booked golf for both days next weekend. What would happen if you told him to cancel one of them?

You need to tell him how you want him to change. What you need him to do. How you need him to be.

Give him a chance to change

If he doesn't change, then you need to rethink

He is showing you who he is.

My ex decided to cut his paternity leave short because work needed him. More than a wife and newborn with no local family or support apparently. It was all downhill from there for me as I came to see he was a selfish, emotionally abusive idiot. Funnily enough the final nail in the coffin was when he fucked off to play golf all day on Christmas Eve, followed by the pub, instead of being with me and DC.

I would also prepare for being a single parent. You already are, either in or out of the marriage.

I feel angry for you! I’m so sorry, he’s a piece of shit.

This.

I wouldn't have any more children with him. For me he's shown his true colours and I'd be inclined to get rid. However I appreciate that is a big decision and you've just had a baby so now probably isn't the most appropriate time. I have had 3 csections and my dh took care of me each and every time. I got better at realising what I needed and asked for it. He did night shifts with all 3 of our kids even when he was working full time as I needed sleep too. My dh took the time to be with our newborns as much as possible, they change so much in the early days, he didn't want to miss anything. I'm not saying this to male you feel shit but to show you that how your dh is behaving isn't necessarily the norm

Your dh has failed you when you are most vulnerable.You need to have a sit down chat about how utterly selfish he has been and set out some clear boundaries. It's an emotional time for you but you do need to be clear in your mind about what you want for yourself. As it stands he is showing neither you or the baby are his priority.

Since neither of you seem to be aware of it - the, obvious, rule is - EQUAL down time. Why wouldn't it be?

That's time for each of you when you are neither working, doing housework, commuting or looking after babies.

So. If he has 4 hours to play golf. Then you also get 4 hours doing whatever you want.

Time to tell him to shape the fuck up. I'd start by saying no to the weekend of golf, and telling him that the two of you need to discuss together when he can find time for golf. He is being totally unreasonable.

He’s shown you a preview of the type of dad he’s going to be. When he goes back to work he’ll do nothing to help you or baby. He sees it as your job.

Tell him he needs to step up. In addition don’t plan DC2.

I would strongly suggest shared parental leave. And that you do not give up or even lose focus on your career. Or get pregnant again. He is selfish. He expected his life not to change.

IMO in most couples there is a major re-adjustment period post-birth, where the mums life is forcibly completely changed (birth, breastfeeding etc) and the dads… can kind of continue as before. They aren’t tied to the baby in the same way.

I had the same issue with my DH - announcing a day out with mates at the weekend and so on.

You need to be very direct with him about how you are feeling, and what your expectations are.

Thank you

That's really not on, OP. DH has taken a month with both kids (two weeks paternity, two weeks holiday) and during that time did pretty much everything in the house. I had a section both times too. He did cooking, cleaning, took baby and older DD when it was DD2 first thing in morning so I could sleep, etc.

Is this your first baby?

It’s a question, it doesn’t have to have relevance.