Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

He’s either not understood the sacrifices needed when you have a child, or he expects you to make them all. I guess the first is fixable.

This is an excellent point.

You need to express right now that you will not be looking after the baby solo on Saturday and Sunday as well as Monday to Friday because this baby has 2 parents. Otherwise in 5 years time you will be freezing your tits off at sports training on a Saturday and attending 2 kids parties on your own on a Sunday. Agree with the poster that said saying "Oh ok" while inwardly fuming will not get you anywhere. If there's a big row, so be it.

Gutting...you've just learned that the man you thought was on board to welcome a new baby to your lives with all that entails, is a spectator.

It's nice to have a wife and baby to come home to and relax with once you've taken care of all your personal interests and played a round of golf.
It's just like on the telly.

What is it with golf? Not all arseholes play golf, but all golf players seem to be arseholes.

agreed!

This. It’s not enough but it’s a start. If he’s booked golf for two days next weekend then you need to also book some child free time.

And if you are supposed to do things while you are looking after baby ( like breast feeding , washing or cooking ) then he needs to do the same. He doesn’t get to sit on the sofa for 2 hours gaming while baby sleeps but when you watch baby you need to make dinner.

If his time watching baby actually means that he takes baby to his mother’s while he plays golf, that doesn’t count.

This.

I despair at how difficult it is for some men to adjust to being a parent. It’s like once the baby arrives they desperately want to cling to their previous lifestyle while their partner has to deal with physical and emotional recovery, elevated hormones and sometimes trauma on top of everything that comes with looking after a newborn.

Unfortunately you will have to spell out what is expected of him. Golf days are not on at least until you’ve established a routine and you both agree if/when he can play. One of you sleeping in another room is good, but take turns a few hours each. Sit down and agree what’s expected of him now that he’s returning to work. Otherwise you’ll end up doing 100% of the childcare while he moans about being tired after sleeping in another room and playing golf.

Communication is key. His response to this conversation will inform your next move.

I think there’s 2 issues to deal with really.

1. The golf- there’s absolutely a time and place for hobbies when you have children, but the first few weeks postpartum are really not it unless you have said you’re happy with that. I was happy for my husband to go to the gym for an hour a few times a week the first few weeks because I know how much it helps his mood and in return he’d then come home and give me an hour to have a bath/watch tv/read a book/close my eyes. It’s something to discuss and agree between you, it’s not necessarily all or nothing but it’s a “lets see if we can find a way to make this work for everyone”.

2. The tiredness & no family time. I honestly think the 2 weeks paternity leave is partly to blame here. My husband had 4 weeks off when our baby was born and the first 2 weeks are a blur of exhaustion, bleeding, cracked nipples, crying, tiredness and watching lots of TV in a messy house, those weeks were pure survival mode. Leaving the house while she was 2 weeks old felt so stressful and scary, it wasn’t enjoyable for anyone! However I would say that by week 3/4 we were both more comfortable with this and had some lovely trips out for a coffee or to wander the shops, I was more recovered, we were both getting slightly more sleep, we had adjusted better by then to being new parents so it all felt easier.

For the tiredness, we agreed from day 1 nobody would complain about tiredness and we still do this now 6 months down the line. We were both tired, we are both tired, but complaining about tiredness leads to competitive tiredness and arguments, “you can’t be tired because I did the 2am wake up so I’m more tired than you” and “no I’m more tired because I did the 4am and then she didn’t settle for 2 hours so I’M more tired”. It’s not productive, doesn’t make anyone feel good and gets nowhere fast.

I do think the golf is a bit thoughtless from him, maybe you need to sit down together and have a chat about how life needs to look post-baby. It may be that he’s just a bit unsure how to navigate/doesn’t realise, obviously he may just be an arsehole but the first couple weeks are rough for everyone and an open honest chat might be just enough to get you both on the same page.

He needs to adjust his priorities. My husband and I haven't had proper hobbies since kids arrived (and they're 9, 6 and 1 years old!). Weekends are spent going to various kid's clubs/hobbies, kid's parties, and family days out. So for example today my husband has just left to take 1 year old to his little football class, then when they're home we're all going pumpkin picking at a family farm. You're starting on really shaky ground, he needs to sort himself out or your marriage sadly will not be a happy one.

Not picking up on subtle signs? What is subtle about his wife recovering from major surgery and having a newborn to look after? Anyone not knowing what they should be doing to support in these circumstances is a selfish prick or doesn't have two brain cells to keep eachother company

Being a man is not an excuse

Take the baby out of the equation for a second.

AIBU I have had major abdominal surgery, my husband took two weeks of work but didn't look after me.

That is bad enough.

Add in a new born and this is off the scale you are not being unreasonable. The whole point of paternity leave is to help you with the baby.

What kind of person abandons the mother of his child who just had major abdominal surgery to get the child safely born…to fuck off to the golf course?

He needs to be firmly told that 1) he needs to support your recovery (with him being told to step up… the basic adulting of doing some laundry/housework/cooking being completed as guess what you are both tired but he’s not the one who just had surgery) and 2) that in a partnership, things are SHARED - that includes both the division of leisure time which he is currently hogging, and the division of childcare and other domestic tasks.

talk to your parents and his parents about what’s happening in your household. Talk to friends too. You are not going to allow this poor behaviour of his to continue.

as others have said, do not have DC2 with this man. Make sure you have effective contraception.

Sounds as if he thinks paternity leave is really annual leave and he can spend time doing what he wants. He needs to realise real quick that his life has now changed and his baby now comes first ...

Your OH is a dufus, but I think some of the comments are a bit harsh. Men aren’t very good at picking up subtle signs - you need to tell him what you expect (before the birth would have been better but it’s not too late). He’s likely completely oblivious and has no idea that he’s not met the mark. As pp said it’s a big period of adjustment for both of you.

Absolutely not on. Did he want children? If yes, then his life needs to go on hold for the foreseeable. This is Absolutely non negotiable. Why should your life be turned upside down and his not. You need to stand your ground as this will be your life for the next 15 years + until the children are more independent. You are a team and you need to deal with this together.

If on the off chance you really wanted a baby and he didn't but supported you in your decision. It's a tricky one if he only agreed if you did the lion's share. However, he absolutely needs to support you until you are stronger.

I'll be completely honest. With our first child I didn't realise how different life would be post birth. I'd come home from work to a knackered wife, a grumpy baby and usually all the washing still to be done. However the difference is that at no point would I decide to do an activity just for me. You need to tell him how it is. That life is about the family now. If he doesn't get it, he will regret it.

He sounds like an absolute wanker and clearly he's just seen this as 2 weeks off work rather than 2 weeks to support you and your little family

I'd be giving him hell, as would my mum

This is the future now OP.

Unless he was 101% in every other respect, I would be gone.

You are always going to be trying to drag stuff out of him that he is not prepared to give and be expected to service his needs into the bargain. Sod that.

I have been really ill several times and I mean really ill. Each time, my DH has taken over every single thing including washing me, washing my hair and clearing up my shit. In return, when he has been really ill with cancer on three occasions now, I have nursed him including sitting up and watching over him 24 hours, post surgery. He is really ill again currently but he knows I will attend to his every need and so is less fearful. This is part of the marriage contract but we love each other so would have done it anyway. He is a real man and a real human being.

I suspect that quite a high proportion of men are ambivalent at best about having children and the entire enterprise is driven by their partners.

LTB

He's only going to get worse.

You are a single parent.

You need to communicate with him OP.
Honestly, how did the conversation go when he said about the golf? Was it along the lines of:
“I’ve booked golf for Friday”
“Oh, okay, right well I guess I’ll see if my mum can come over for a bit” (secretly thinking WTF is this normal? I thought he’d want to be at home with us!)
Because, genuinely, if that had been me, the conversation would go:
“I’ve booked golf for Friday”
“Haha! I don’t bloody think so chum - nice try!”
“Well… yes, I - I need some”
“Oh! Sure! Yes you go and play golf with your buddies all day while I stay here myself looking after our 12 day old baby, struggling to recover from abdominal surgery on about two hours sleep, that sounds like a great and sensible idea 🤨
Get a grip. No. Not happening mate.”

Absolutely lay down your boundaries now. Firmly.
Or it will only get worse.

No. YANBU. Honestly I think have a serious talk with him about expectations before he goes back- if he’s working this will get worse.

I imagine he’ll be expecting you to do absolutely everything now, and that’s not sustainable. I’d be saying that if you’re doing night wake ups during the week you expect him to look after baby between say 7-11pm weekdays, you need one night on the weekend in the spare room only waking to feed (not settle/ change), one good lie in on the weekend and a couple of hours to go for a coffee/ swim/ nap.

He gets the same- one lie in on the weekend, weekday nights from 11pm and a couple of hours on the weekend to himself to do a hobby or whatever.

Basically your mat leave should mean that your “job” is to look after the baby between 9-6, to facilitate his work. Childcare after that is shared- it does not mean you’re an unpaid slave.

You share house admin/ cooking etc or you agree to pay.

If his golf/ gym/ Xbox/ whatever doesn’t fit with this then it stops for a few years.

You need to get tough, or your mat leave will end with you exhausted and full of resentment.

What a prick! He's on paternity leave, not a bloody jolly!
Oh and golf both days next weekend? I don't think so! Time to sit him down and remind him he's created a baby that needs looking after.

Fucking golf! Absolute prick.