Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

I wouldn't put up with that shit.

Tbh - warning signs were there. Men who devote huge amounts of time to obsession driven hobbies (whether thats golf, football, the gym, cycling) rarely make good fathers.

Good advice. This needs to be addressed ASAP. Parenthood changes the dynamics of a relationship and your husband needs to adapt to the changes in order for your relationship to survive. He should have been more involved and supportive and his behaviour is selfish and inconsiderate . I don't want to be a pessimist but it is worrying that your husband has been so disengaged. I really hope that he will change his mindset . Otherwise, I foresee major problems ahead. You need love and support right now

If I told you about the "help" I got from DH after having both of our children who were each born by emergency caesarean you would not believe me.

God yes.

How are things now op ?

It's why I always say when asked by dates would I like to be a mum. I say, no but I'd like to be an average dad. Have a crazy little mini me running around that I can occasionally hang out with and watch grow into an incredible person with barely any of my effort put into achieving that.

And if I find the little I'm expected by society to do is too much of an effort, I can just walk away and see them when they're not feral anymore. Maybe have some cool days out with them along the way.

I think having a child is so different to anything else. I am not a patient person, I can do nurturing on a small scale but I found babysitting a friends toddler for 4 hours absolutely exhausting. When I had a baby though, I was able to just completely put my needs to one side in such a complete way. But there wasn't anything in my behaviour that would have told you that beforehand I am not a terrible person, but I was never particularly selfless. I think women who worry about this before they have children are told "you will just find you can do it" and this is normally true. However, they are also told, or its assumed that their partner will also become less selfish - and clearly this does not always happen!

I know that that's where the idea of women consciously or unsconciously "testing" their partner before they become serious comes in. Maybe that's what quests are for. But I don't think even "go and kill a dragon" requires the same daily care for another persons needs (yours and your partners) that each person in a couple needs to successfully take care of a baby.

Women are essentially hostage to their biology more than men are - it seems much much harder for them to switch of their babies needs and walk away from them even if they desperately want to. Which is a good thing because if both parents sodded of to play golf, the baby would die and we wouldn't have survived as a species. Its hugely unfair though - and why it good women have more control over their fertility than in the past. But there is another thread about falling birthrates on here, and elsewhere on t'internet many men puzzling over women's seeming reluctance to become broodmares (when really having 15 children is what gives women real purpose in life etc etc). Well, what do they expect???

I understand what you say. That you were never tested like this before. But you are telling me that a loving , caring and considerate person that doesn’t prioritise his own comfort over his partner’s in every day life can turn like an awful father and partner to his wife because he is put in a difficult situation ? No red flags or signs that this person is selfish or that is not as caring and considerate? If this is the case is too scary, I always thought there are some indications but people think the best and hope their partner will help when there is need.

Won't work even if she's bottle feeding as her Dh isn't stepping up to his fatherly duties. If he was op wouldn't have been posting.

I can't speak for the OP, but was always a very healthy person before having a baby, except for a couple of broken bones and even those didn't slow me down/mean I needed much help. So a lot of women don't know what their husbands are actually going to be like when they have severe morning sickness, a really painful drawn out labour, are recovering from a major operationwith stitches while trying to look after a tiny baby - until that actually happens. Of course, a lot of women also don't know what they are going to be like with a tiny baby either. But while child neglect/abandonment happens, the amount of women who have a baby and think "this is too difficult I can't be bothered to look after it" is miniscule compared to the number of men who think "this is too difficult. I am going to play golf."
But you can't know. And how good they are at holding their friends baby/rescuing baby birds etc isn't a perfect indication because those things take seconds not months.

If it makes him less grumpy I say let him play. It’s not likely he’s going to live up to your expectations. Good luck and congratulations on your new addition.

@Sofita90 I think they were always like that, but before you have kids it doesn’t matter too much. I don’t think everyone should get divorced though. I think you just need to manage the situation.

Hence spend money on help. And explain that you need it.

@Gwlondon my question when I see such stories is were the men like these before the baby? Because my husband would never do any of these. I am now pregnant and he has a work trip and he is telling me how he doesn’t want to be far from me. He is considerate , making lists for baby items , planning to use days off in addition to his 2 weeks paternity to spend more time with me and baby even though he is working from home. He bought a thermometer for the bath the other day so I can enjoy bath with piece of mind that temperature is correct. I mean were these dads with the stories of behaving badly after the baby comes considerate before or they were always shit but then no real problems so that is why the woman was accepting it?

Won't work if you're breastfeeding, but suggest he pops the baby in a sling and takes it with him to the golf! All that fresh air and bonding time. .

Depends on the whole situation though, surely? Mine did this with sleeping in the spare room and I encouraged him to so that he got a block of sleep in, and could then take our baby early so I got a block of sleep in before he left for work. Then he'd take our baby again and I'd get an early night at the other end of the day. Later on he'd sleep next to our baby in the spare room one night a week so I got a weekly night off too (just wheeled the crib through).

Yes, I utterly loathed doing night feeds but I couldn't see the point in both of us being woken up through the night.

Ugh golfers. Can't believe he's not pulled his socks up to do what he can to make it easier for you, it's about teamwork. You've had major surgery, recovering and not sleeping either, doing the feeding. He's a shit person.

He thought having a child was going to be easy didn't he? He'll be "playing golf" more than ever now!

Men have a different experience becoming a father. Hopefully some of his golf friends will show him up a bit.

I am sorry you had surgery. That is more annoying. I was so disappointed in my husband and when I had health problems.

When you need to make decisions on how much help to get don’t ask his permission. Just do it. On line food shop. Cleaner. Postnatal Doula. Mothers help. Lactation consultant. If you want it get it. If he objects explain that you need the support of other women because he is not pulling his weight. Don’t argue about it. Just explain you need support.

If he spends money on golf you can spend money on help. If he doesn’t like other people in the home he can figure out if he wants to help more. I think the post natal doula would be great for you while you are recovering.

Women get it. Men have a different experience.

OMG, I felt like we are in exactly the same situation. Indeed my husband did ‘what was told’ and I was tired of constantly telling him what to do. And when he did one thing of not being asked he felt like need to make a headline out of it. I somehow felt like my situation was worse haha your husband gone golf, mine gone almost a week to Las Vegas. Yes during the leave, he do the gardening and keep his area spotless but not everywhere else unless asked. Also guess what he only tries a few days wake up at night and same those days he will be extremely grumpy. So I would rather I stay up and he sleep so at least next day when I not enough sleep he is not grumpy. When I told his family he never wake up at night to help , he felt bad and tried but failed. He had always have good rest and could’ve believe he had been telling friends and family baby slept through the night when it’s completely not true / he is like living in the different world.

hows life now, now you are back at work? I am returning work too and I am a bit anxious about it on keeping the family together .

This is true our son had colic and would cry for 6 hours straight sometimes so felt very much on my own day and night, mentally it was a lot.

You could be me 25 years ago. And I finally left him two years ago. Don’t be me. It doesn’t get better.
However I know how vulnerable you are. You need female company and support. Don’t cover for him. That’ll just enable him to continue to be a selfish prick. And don’t get pregnant again.
Sorry to be so brutal. You’ve seen him for what he really is.

To bond with HIS baby, maybe? That’s what paternity leave is for. Not golf.

Subtle signs? 😂

I wonder will he notice other subtle signs like his wife being turned off him completely or maybe divorce papers?

He's not oblivious, he might be pretending to be, but that's something completely different entirely.

The baby fucking well does and someone has to do it, why the fuck should it be the woman recovering from surgery doing the baby care 24 hours a day? What is even the point of husbands in your mind? Clearly nothing to do with the vows they made which were not to prioritise earning money and putting themselves first 24/7

No but HIS BABY does.