Will I regret not trying for a third child?

What would you regret?

You would be in a position where you couldn’t predict what would have happened if you had that third child. You would only regret it if you could see exactly what your life would have been like with 3 and it worked out perfectly. And you won’t ever know that.

You might sometimes wonder what it would have been like with 3. But it could just as easily have been a bad decision. You make the decision that you feel is best now. And if a bit of regret creeps in (whatever your decision is) you remind yourself you made the best decision that you could, for you and your children that actually exist, at the time you made it.

I wanted a third and didn't. My children are older now but not yet flown the nest and I don't know what a third would have added. I do know we'd be financially worse off though to the point off stress.

I know it's a whole other person to love and i really love my two. Its the best thing i ever did and I enjoy being around them so more of that would be good..

but a huge number of children grow up, move out, work full time and just visit every other Christmas, and phone occasionally.

They reckon once yourchildren leave home you spend the equivalent of a year with them over the rest of your life!

I am sorry but that’s absolutely not true. Plenty of people regret having a child or an extra child. And it does a terrible amount of damage to that child and the wider family.

and actually, money can’t always be made. If you think that you must assume all people who are struggling financially do so through choice? Saying money can always be made, is an extremely privileged mindset.

And having more than 2 children doesn’t mean siblings will all get on or all share responsibilities. Or even all decide to stay in the same area. All four could move away for uni and never move back. Or move because of careers. Or all not get on. Or having all 4 involved might make it worse if they all fundamentally disagree on approach.

It’s great you are having the amount of children you want. But your reasoning is very misleading and based on your ideal scenario that’s 30-40 years away and is all just based on your head. It’s a day dream of how you hope things will work out. You have no idea how it will work out.

We've got two. On some level I want three but my husband doesn't and recently I've started to agree.

I wanted another because I love the kids we have and we have space and with some adjustments can afford it. Also my eldest is very sociable and loves other kids. My pregnancies have been OK and both births positive.

The main reasons I think we won't are:

• I dont see how i could work with 3 ie my husband can only do a few school runs and the more you have there's a risk Its more complex ie if ones ill etc.. My income makes a significant contribution to family finances.
• we don't have regular family support. Anyone who has 3 and isn't a sahm that I know has regular help from grandparents or husband has a super flexible job (or is utterly exhausted)
• I'm just tired - I'm worried less sleep would significantly impact my mental health.
• when they're older I hope they'll all have a hobby but if so that's a lot of ferrying around
• just the laundry and life admin is already too much!!

Have you written out your pros and cons in terms of who would collect them etc... what happens if they're off ill.

Yeah the quote about regret is bollocks. Of course your mother instinct will kick in and you’ll love your child with all your heart but you absolutely can regret it. And to whoever advised looking at the teen parenting boards- YES! Nothing can prepare you for the emotional upheaval of having a teen. Nothing.

You might look back and wish you'd had a third. You might look back and think it all has worked out well, so you're quite happy that it didn't happen.

I've had a lot of women 50+ say to me that they wish they had had more children. It seems a lot do wish for a bigger family in the end, but I think they maybe like the idea rather than what might have been their reality. I think it's nostalgia talking. My own mother wanted a big family but, as far as I could tell, I think they had enough trouble affording the two they did have.

There's a lot to be said for being content with what you have, even if you do sometimes wonder 'what if'.

From your posts I think it would be more likely that you'll regret having a third rather than the opposite. You future looks bright.

It seems that you mostly miss the baby and toddler stage, not that you actually want three at any age.

We had a third when DC were 4 & 6 and I was pushing 40. We absolutely would have had a happy family life if we stuck with two but I never felt like I was 'done'. When he was born I absolutely felt that our family was complete. His older siblings love him so much and while it's a juggle at the moment with different drop offs for preschool/school there's never a moment we would be without him. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, do whatever you think is right for your family.

What does your partner think?

Now I look at families of 5 and think what were you thinking 😂 I'm not the least bit jealous and can only see the negatives really because I'm so comfortable with our set up, and I have one gender for the record, I know that can be a motivator.

Well I'm only about 10 years down the road from you but I I have no regrets so far. I was very on the fence when mine were 4 and 1 and knew I needed to make the decision then as I didn't want to "start over" after a big break and think a tot with children really disrupts the family dynamic.

I love being a 4, it's simple, the world is designed for it. It's easy to imagine parenthood in those early years alone but the truth is teens really need you, they need your money, they need your time, they need a lot of your bandwidth. And if like me you want time for yourself and your marriage too I appreciate only having the 2 to stress over which is enough, I've been blessed with some pretty calm and grateful kids thus far so not having a rough time of it.

It's hard when you're in the what if stage, a lot of peace comes when you accept your sdecision, DH getting the snip really helped. Putting that part of our life to bed and focussing on our family.

"Money can always be made" is a glib comment, and naive in this financial climate

I previously would have liked a larger family than we have. And I do have some regrets about that

But, I'm increasingly thankful that with a smaller family, there's less financial pressure

We're having this exact discussion at the moment. It's so difficult to decide. Currently leaning towards trying for a third. We've got two boys, 4 and 2.

We accidentally had a third and I love him dearly but it absolutely obliterated my MH for the first two years. It’s hard work, you don’t have the correct hand to child ratio. The kids fight 2:1. But also I wouldn’t go back. Good luck whatever you decide xx

It depends on your values finances and hopes for the future. We had 2 and I was happy enough but dh always wanted 3. A few years later I changed my mind and we had dd2. She is an utter joy and has been the easiest so far as she slept well and eats well. Dh is very much an equal parent, we have no family support so often split up to do different things with the kids making sure they get one on one time. We both work around each other so no childcare needed. I wanted to be done with pregnancy by 35 and I had dd2 at 34. We already had a 4 bed home so all kids could have their own room however I have no issues with them sharing. We already had a big enough car. She does have dd1's hand me down but I buy new when needed. As for ferrying children around to clubs, neither dh or I would let our lives revolve around that weve struck a balance tgst works for us. They do 2x arabic lessons a week, football for ds, guides for dd1, gardening club for dd1 and all 3 go swimming.We have had 2 holidays abroad so far and have booked for next year. Costs will increase as they get older and that was another reason not to have anymore but we cut our cloth accordingly. We couldn't have stretched to private school with 2 let alone 3 so never a consideration. I understand we may have to help with living costs at uni but will support and encourage them to work through uni as dh and I did. I have no intention of helping with house deposits, at some point they need to make their own way in the world.

A lot of People who have 2 say "oh we really wish we had gone for a third"
So much so i know an otherwise intelligent woman who has bought into this and gone for a 3rd.
Its SO easy to say this as it never happened

All other things being equal we would have had more debate about a 3rd but at my age (I'd be 42 at best with 3 under 4/5 😵‍💫) i just drew a line after initial discussion.
I know disability or twins would break me and i dont have the luxury of a bigger age gap.

Its very personal and honestly i started at 30 i wouldnt be surprised if we had another maybe a 4th?!? But.... maybe wed have stuck at 2 as well...

I feel i rolled the dice twice, "won" and i am happy to walk away from the casino with my winnings/family rather than risk my health and sanity on a third roll than maybe wont pay off.
And in 10 years I'll 💯 everyone how we WISH we had had a third 🤣

Just get on with your life. When my second went to school, I went to university and built a whole new career and life.

This is exactly why I stopped at 2.
some times you have to count your blessings. Appreciate what you do have, rather than what you don’t.

you’re not the first and won’t be the last woman to feel this way 🤗

My second was twins - honestly you just find a way of coping. Not sure if some of these anti twin comments are just based on twins or based on going from 2 to 4 in one go

Having 3 though is an interesting dynamic - you are always outnumbered and someone is always getting less attention than someone else.

Holidays are painfully expensive

I did want a third but financially, and mentally knew I wouldn't cope if there was something wrong or if it was twins. We didn't go for it. Ours was a head over heart decision.

Fast forward dd1 is doing her GCSEs, dd2 is having lots of anxiety and needs alot emotionally since starting secondary school last year. Our rent has gone up by £500 a month in the last 3 years plus everything else. But due to the above we can't move until they are through school. I am very glad we stuck to 2 children.

Once you're ferrying your children around left, right and centre to their school and clubs, you'll be glad not to have a third. You'll get over this feeling.

My third just turned up uninvited. Money has been tight. We needed an extra bedroom (though all three very happily shared for a while), a bigger car, another bike, and another three years of finance for university. But I don’t regret him for one minute.

My heart wanted a third. 9 months before I turned 40 (my personal cut off point), when the DC were aged 3 and 4, DH and I had a conversation and agreed not to.

10 years later with two teens I am very very glad I didn’t have a third, I’ve been very glad for many years. I don’t regret it at all.