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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

84 replies

JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 17:49

I’ve posted here before under different usernames about my situation.

Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

Day to day my husband and I get along fine.
He works hard and provides well for our household.
He is generous with money and makes a huge fuss on my birthdays and Christmas.
He compliments me and tells me how much he fancies me, is very affectionate (he says he wishes I felt the same way)
Hes funny and we make each other laugh.
He’s affectionate with the children
He does stuff around the house
He says most women would kill for a husband like him.
I get to go out and see friends etc.

In the past he’s been abusive towards me, in the early days when I was pregnant and when our children were very young.
There was -
Regular name calling
Threats to pick up large objects and smash me with them
Threats to urinate on my personal items
Intimidation
Threats to kill himself.
Telling me to go kill myself (in anger)
Punching walls and pushing over large objects
Mocking
Telling me I am indifferent to our children
Telling me I ignored our son for the first two years of his life.
Insulting my family and friends
Insulting my intelligence

I did not know much about abuse in the early days and I also was very good at putting on a show that we were the perfect family. I thought cos he wasn’t physical with me that it wasn’t proper abuse.

My husband, now that the children are much older, has “mellowed” somewhat and the worse incidents happened many years ago.

As things are normal day to day and we are all getting along, I feel like my leaving him now will come as a bolt out of the blue. I plan to tell him once I have a new place set up to go to.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

OP posts:
Bryonny84 · 12/10/2024 18:14

Yes you should leave. What if he reverts to type once the children are older or have grown up? You'll be on your own, creeping around the house, worrying about him coming home from being out. Get sorted and go now. These kinds of people rarely change.

Original poster
JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:12

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 12/10/2024 18:02

It sounds like you've based your decision on your honest feelings OP, and no one can criticise you for that. The horrors of the abuse he used to put you through, may have faded, but the damage done, is obviously still there inside you, so go for it. Start a new life while you can. In my opinion, it's never too late to live the life that is right for YOU! I wish you well.

Thank you. I’ve lost all trust in him and can never forgive how he treated me at my most vulnerable moments.

It just seems silly sometimes to be leaving because I’m still remembering what he said to me 10 years ago, some stuff one year ago etc. Leaving straight after the incident would make more sense.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2024 18:12

Feel free to tell him that I have been married for 35 years and we’ve had plenty of discussions/ disagreements and arguments, none of which have included threats, abuse or any intention to cause damage.

I hope you don’t accept his reasoning.

Original poster
JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:09

MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2024 18:03

Yes, definitely leave now before the vicissitudes of old age begin. My mother lived next door to a couple well into their 80s and the man was disabled and wa extremely abusive to his poor wife.

Do you feel that the last few years have been better partly because you’ve ’learned To behave yourself’? Or did he recognise his abuse and address it?

Good luck with your new life. Wave goodbye to all that.

It’s difficult to say. He says when we fight that I give as good as I get, his excuse is that he explodes in the moment then is completely fine a few minutes later. He says he’s all hot air and says “shit he does mean or says the worst possible thing to hurt me in the moment” He says that it’s normal to fight “dirty” and do as much damage to the person in the heat of the moment. He says that’s how everyone fights. He also claims to have no recollection of saying most of the things he’s said. He says my punishment of him far outweighs the crimes.

OP posts:
DespairCalling · 12/10/2024 18:08

YANBU. It’s not surprising you can’t forgive such abusive behaviour even if it is mainly in the past. He’s only got himself to blame.

Original poster
JazzieJazzie · 12/10/2024 18:04

Thanks, I still don’t trust him, my body reacts (flinches) when he touches me, they say your body knows to get away from something bad.

It is less frequent that his behaviour slips back and the incidents are a couple of times per year now as opposed to extremely frequent.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2024 18:03

Yes, definitely leave now before the vicissitudes of old age begin. My mother lived next door to a couple well into their 80s and the man was disabled and wa extremely abusive to his poor wife.

Do you feel that the last few years have been better partly because you’ve ’learned To behave yourself’? Or did he recognise his abuse and address it?

Good luck with your new life. Wave goodbye to all that.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 12/10/2024 18:02

It sounds like you've based your decision on your honest feelings OP, and no one can criticise you for that. The horrors of the abuse he used to put you through, may have faded, but the damage done, is obviously still there inside you, so go for it. Start a new life while you can. In my opinion, it's never too late to live the life that is right for YOU! I wish you well.

TerrifiedandWorried · 12/10/2024 17:55

Yes you are doing the right thing. There is no time limit on leaving your abuser. I know you say he seems more mellow, but I bet that when you leave you will discover that you make hundreds of adjustments to your behaviour.