Am I doing the right thing in leaving my husband?

Him justifying himself as "everyone does or says this" is abuse. It's minimising of you.

Him moaning that you are "going to punish him" when he crosses your boundaries and you ask him not to is also abuse.

I suspect you have become so used to things that you think he's only abusing you once or twice a year.

But there are still incidents a couple of times a year. So even though they are not as frequent, you must be in a constant state of high alert waiting for him to kick off again. That's no way to live.

All the very best to you OP. I’m so pleased to hear you’re all set up, or nearly there. You poor, poor woman. I’m nervous just reading about him, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be stuck with him all those years.

This time I have everything meticulously planned and I won’t be making him leave, I will have my own home all set up ready to move into.

This is one of the best things I have heard in a long time.
Well done you OP!

I can’t wait for you to start your new life and be away from this vile man for good.

I wouldn’t treat an insect as awful as he’s treated you and this was a man who supposedly loved you.
He’s disgusting.

Well done you!!

Now, be very careful. Please, don't let him know your plans. And don't let many people kniw your plans. One trusted friend is all you need.

From your posts, i would not even tell your parents.

When women try to leave abusive situations, that's when they are most vulnerable. The partners can escalate. And do not think that 'he is not the type'. Women continue to be surprised by 'he is not the type' abusive partners.

He abused you when you were vulnerable, he will do so again. Get away from him, but line up everything before you flush the chain so to speak. Expect either love bombing or lunatic behaviour when you tell him.
The ladies on here will give you fabulous advice on what to do.

Sorry for what you've been through, sounds like you have made the right choice. I wish you all the best for your new life. Onward and upward as they say.

I would be running as fast as I can.

I don’t understand why you have left it so long to leave (I know it’s not easy when you’re being abused).

Even if he has mellowed, how can you ever forgive him to things that he’s done.

I would never let that man anywhere near me ever again.

Yes, just sort yourself out financially as a PP said, with his generosity and then quietly FO to your own peaceful life, where you don't have to flinch.
Good decision! 🍀

It’s difficult to say. He says when we fight that I give as good as I get, his excuse is that he explodes in the moment then is completely fine a few minutes later. He says he’s all hot air and says “shit he does mean or says the worst possible thing to hurt me in the moment” He says that it’s normal to fight “dirty” and do as much damage to the person in the heat of the moment. He says that’s how everyone fights. He also claims to have no recollection of saying most of the things he’s said. He says my punishment of him far outweighs the crimes.

What a load of gaslighting shite.

Your body is already rejecting him - your mind is just catching up now.

I could never forgive the sort of behaviour he put you through, and STILL puts you through - 'once or twice a year' is still far too frequent. I suspect you're never truly at ease around him.

I hope you know that this is not true. It is not normal to fight 'dirty' with the person you are in a couple with.
I remember a therapist saying that it is not that successful couples don't fight but that they fight respectfully.

He is gaslighting you.
From your posts, he has not stopped abusing you, the frequency has reduced that's all. And that's why your body flinches.
I would not be surprised that when you leave him, you will notice changes in your behaviour, in your sleep, in your mental health, in your happiness and 'at-peace' levels.

Yup, leave.

He's not mellowed. You've learned how to behave in order not to trigger that behaviour from him, and that is not the same thing as him realising his behaviour was inappropriate and stopping it. YOu can tell this because he will still behave that way at times and he justifies it.

No, it is not normal to fight dirty. I argue with my DP sometimes - that involves me telling him I am really pissed off about something, telling him why, and us discussing how we can avoid this happening in future (or vice versa of course!)

It does not involve me threatenign to piss on his stuff or throw things at him!

Leave him: you don't want to be facing the worst of him again as you both move into older age. As you said, you've lost trust in him and that's a good enough reason to walk away.

Be careful though he won’t be amicable when u decide to leave he will revert to his true nature
I has exactly the same situation more or less I was constantly told by him and others it was my fault that I couldn’t get over the past and to some extent I agreee I should of left way earlier he handled the split so badly and his true nature showed everyone was completely shocked

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? It is typical for an abuser to minimise his own behaviour, whilst putting the worst possible construction on the other party's. And it's irrelevant whether he remembers the hurtful things he has said; the point is that you do.

If you're thinking/planning on leaving then you don't love him. Aside from everything else!

YADNBU. I don't blame you for flinching when he goes past. You really can't live with a man like that. Listen to your body. I'm sure he can be wonderful sometimes but that's irrelevant. Good luck OP

I would wait until your youngest is 18 and out of the house and then leave. But definitely begin to get your finances sorted. Take advantage of his generosity and create a secret fund only you know about that you pay any spare cash into every month - enough to secure a nice rental somewhere far away. If you’re not working try and get back into the workplace. If you think he’ll get nasty again you might want to think about practical ways to create a distance - eg work permit abroad / name change.