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Original poster

To call out tight friend or fade out

135 replies

Sherwooden · 12/10/2024 14:34

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 12/10/2024 14:50

protectthesmallones · 12/10/2024 14:44

You don't have to end the friendship. If you value the friendship you match them.

If they are likely to go out with just £20 in their pocket, do the same. Then you can both be in the same position and sorting this out together. Just keep your bill tightly to £20.

You'll be able to participate without feeling taken advantage of.

Your friend obviously has different values. You either accept them and match them for the duration you are with them.

Or you don't, and you accept you'll always be put in the position to cover costs.

I have friendships that function differently to the norm. But I go in with my eyes open and in my case usually always plan ahead. Some people are hopelessly dysfunctional but still lovely people.

“Different values” i.e. wants nice experiences but wants other people to pay!

LeontineFrance · 12/10/2024 14:48

Friendship should be a two way thing. I had a friend who was an heiress and she would always expect me to subsidize her. I started to take cash just to cover myself and she said to me 'What shall I do'? When it came to paying, so I said, well you ordered the Turf & Surf, you pay for it. The friendship did fade out because I found her meanness was reflected in other areas of her life like self entitlement, lateness, etc. Don't put up with it.

cherrysonata · 12/10/2024 14:47

I would have no respect for someone who didn't pay their way. I am not friends with people I don't respect.

protectthesmallones · 12/10/2024 14:44

You don't have to end the friendship. If you value the friendship you match them.

If they are likely to go out with just £20 in their pocket, do the same. Then you can both be in the same position and sorting this out together. Just keep your bill tightly to £20.

You'll be able to participate without feeling taken advantage of.

Your friend obviously has different values. You either accept them and match them for the duration you are with them.

Or you don't, and you accept you'll always be put in the position to cover costs.

I have friendships that function differently to the norm. But I go in with my eyes open and in my case usually always plan ahead. Some people are hopelessly dysfunctional but still lovely people.

the7Vabo · 12/10/2024 14:43

Sherwooden · 12/10/2024 14:42

Thanks, I know that you should always make sure they pay their way, and ask them for their share if they try and duck out of paying but its exhausting as its constant and I don't enjoy chasing people to pay!

I didn’t tbh, I just quietly seethed!!

Now many years later she’s loaded bought a house right at the bottom of the market, has a lovely quality of life. She is very careful with money - food spending etc. which I respect. She’s planning early retirement. She might not do it to the same extent now but I know she takes great glee in regifting which I normally don’t mind but it’s against the backdrop of tight behaviour.

And she’s an accountant!

Pomegranatecarnage · 12/10/2024 14:43

It’s disrespectful to you and suggests she thinks she’s worth paying to spend time with! No, I’d let the friendship go-but say why!

Original poster
Sherwooden · 12/10/2024 14:42

Thanks, I know that you should always make sure they pay their way, and ask them for their share if they try and duck out of paying but its exhausting as its constant and I don't enjoy chasing people to pay!

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 12/10/2024 14:40

I had a friend like this and it turned out that while she wasn’t paying her way in taxis etc she was getting a government grant for uni (in Ire) so had more disposable income than any of us.
I think there was a bit of a psy reason for it as her dad lost a business but she was happy go buy lovely clothes just not pay her way.

Anyways I faded her, it wasn’t the main reason but I don’t miss it!

MaggieBsBoat · 12/10/2024 14:37

I’ve had a couple of friends like this and it didn’t matter what I said - they almost viewed it as a right to be tight. As if their lives depended on it and that everyone should do it. I realised that they didn’t respect me at all to treat me like a mug. Ghost away!

Wellhowaboutthat · 12/10/2024 14:35

If you’ve called it out and she won’t change for any length of time and her behaviour is unacceptable to you then you don’t have a choice really but to end the friendship. What a shame!