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Original poster

To call out tight friend or fade out

135 replies

Sherwooden · 12/10/2024 14:34

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

OP posts:
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StarsBeneathMyFeet · 19/10/2024 08:24

Honestly I’d give up on the £20 and her altogether. She knows she owes you that money, but rather than paying she’s just complained about her needs. She won’t change, she has no motivation to change! She likes other people funding her social life. Just walk away.

friendlycat · 18/10/2024 23:37

Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 16:16

Yes it makes it worse in my eyes...no attempt to address the issue just trying to guilt trip me into carrying on paying

Sadly she’s told you in the latest text how she views the friendship. You know this from experience but it’s all there now in black and white.

Sure it’s her decision to work part time and do a side hustle but that’s down to her and how she wants to lead her life. But expecting others to fund her social life obviously isn’t fair.

You now know that’s what she has expected and continues to think. Don’t waste any more time or energy trying to understand as it’s sadly not possible to understand her wavelength. Normal decent people don’t behave like this.

There will always be times perhaps when a friend hits a buffer of being suddenly out of work, relationship breakdowns, unexpected huge bill etc that we would support a friend through and happily foot some bills for in terms of socialising. But this isn’t one of them. This is just pure entitlement and using.

suburburban · 18/10/2024 20:00

Your poor DH.

Yes I totally get it

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/10/2024 18:21

suburburban · 12/10/2024 14:56

Yes always seems to be very well off people who are like this (that's how they got there no doubt) but it's embarrassing and not right

An older friend of dh (no longer with us) had almost invariably ‘forgotten his wallet’ when we went out to eat as a foursome with his wife. Dh nearly always paid, without complaint, until the time we spent a weekend in London for this friend’s Big Birthday.
We paid for a hotel for 2 nights, for a lunch for 4, and for 4 x West End theatre tickets. Friend wanted a Sunday roast lunch at Simpson’s in the Strand, and had said that this would be on him.
But had ‘forgotten his wallet’ yet again.
It was over 3 weeks before he (evidently grudgingly) paid up. And that was the first time I ever saw my too-easygoing dh seriously pissed off with him.

When the bloke died he left well over £1m cash and 2 houses paid for.

CoraPirbright · 18/10/2024 18:08

I don’t think I would fade. Once you have the £20 back, a final message:

”thank you for the £20 you owed me. I am tired of you always expecting me to pay for you. Why should I? I can’t afford it! We have had this conversation before but things have not changed. Wish you all the best but I am drawing a line under this friendship. “

Original poster
Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 16:16

Yes it makes it worse in my eyes...no attempt to address the issue just trying to guilt trip me into carrying on paying

OP posts:
friendlycat · 18/10/2024 16:14

Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 16:12

I don't mean to sound harsh but her sob stories I have heard before and are just the usual life problems, it seems manipulative to do this !

It is manipulative. She’s not a friend. Friends don’t behave like this.

Original poster
Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 16:12

I don't mean to sound harsh but her sob stories I have heard before and are just the usual life problems, it seems manipulative to do this !

OP posts:
Mary46 · 18/10/2024 15:47

My other friend great she buy drinks one time I buy next ones.

Cardinalita90 · 18/10/2024 15:47

I'd be inclined to message back, totally ignore the sob stories and say the £20 is the tip of the iceberg with what you've subsidised her over the years and she needs to rethink her lifestyle if she can't afford to pay her way. Then leave it with her - she'll either send you the money or she won't but either way the friendship is done.

Mary46 · 18/10/2024 15:44

Its hard to say to someone they really mean! I lessened contact. I just bring exact cash now. The thing of card payments made it easier for these cf as they like oh I owe you!! God puts you off meetups though)

Original poster
Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 15:43

Poor me!!!

OP posts:
Secondguess · 18/10/2024 15:41

How annoying. Did she return the £20, or just do her "poor me" routine?

thestudio · 18/10/2024 15:27

Stop saying you can't afford it! she clearly believes you really can, partly because you show her you can by paying.

Start telling here that her attitude is rude, manipulative and deeply unfair, to the point of being abusive. And that he amount of energy you put into thinking about how to deal with it and make her behave decently is sucking the joy out of the friendship, to the degree that you're on the verge of ending it.

And if she doesn't completely fix it, end it.

Original poster
Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 15:23

I don't know!

She just launched into a 20 minute monologue about all her problems and how bad she has it , didn't address a thing I said

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 18/10/2024 15:21

Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 15:06

I have discussed briefly with friend that her behaviour is not acceptable to me and I am not willing to carry on as before

She responded by listing all the problems in her life etc so I think.my message was lost!

What is her point - is she saying she’s short of money because of these problems, or is she accusing you of upsetting her when she has a lot going on?

Original poster
Sherwooden · 18/10/2024 15:06

I have discussed briefly with friend that her behaviour is not acceptable to me and I am not willing to carry on as before

She responded by listing all the problems in her life etc so I think.my message was lost!

OP posts:
BabyCloud · 13/10/2024 22:47

If she can’t afford to eat out or go for drinks then she should stay home or do something that is free.

I had an ex who earned 10x what I did at the time and he would freeload off me. Expensive restaurants and pricey drinks, it couldn’t be Vue cinema -!it had to be an independent one that cost so much more. They try to live a champagne lifestyle on other peoples lemonade and I have never stood for it since.

Original poster
Sherwooden · 13/10/2024 21:17

I'm just done with her.

I will get the 20 back on principal but don't want to spend any more time with her. When I meet friends I don't want to be constantly on the look out for mooching !!!

OP posts:
WellOwlBeDamned · 13/10/2024 19:37

Change your ring tone for her….

music video GIF by Rihanna
Itiswhysofew · 13/10/2024 19:12

User100000000000 · 13/10/2024 18:10

I agree. Though it's worth pointing out that she won’t turn up! People like this withdraw from their source if it runs dry. I had a 20+ year friendship with one of these types. She believed that it was "the price people have to pay if they want to spend time with me"

Show quote history

Dear lord, where do they come from? I'd laugh in the face of anyone who said that😂

Mary46 · 13/10/2024 18:29

Yes gets draining. We enable it too. I said we do something cheap as everywhere so costly now. We had coffee. Bought our own lol. Maybe they get used to others paying)

RockyRogue1001 · 13/10/2024 18:25

I imagine they both have a terrible time, @MounjaroUser

AuntieDolly · 13/10/2024 18:24

She's really annoying me now! Next time you go out, tell her you're going to the loo, then leave.

MounjaroUser · 13/10/2024 18:14

She's awful! That would ruin it for me. I couldn't bear to think of her sitting there calculating the cost and thinking how she could avoid paying it. If she wants to not spend anything, she could suggest going for a walk and a chat.

I always wonder what happens when two tight people go out together.

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