Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

They should be politely reminded each time until it becomes obvious they don't care. Then they can be rudely reminded.

It's not trivia it's her name. She's clearly made a choice about it and I personally think it's as offensive as "dead-naming" to call her something else.

I'm not. Some people will bend over backwards, sidewards and any other way to defend the indefensible when it comes to a woman wanting to be called her own name. There's no platitude too stupid to be employed in the service of putting her in her place.

I'm surprised to see so many people defending aunts who repeatedly fail to use OP's surname. It's v disrespectful

The aunts should be politely reminded every time

No, rude is the multiple posts you've made on this thread with strangulated, double standard whining about why women wanting to be called their own names is a problem.

People still send cards? will soon be as dates as cheques, you won't need to worry about it then.

Rude response, don't you think?
Family harmony would dictate someone has to be the bigger person and let it lie. The OP clearly thinks that's not her and other pps are egging her on to cause a family rift over - in the grand scheme of things - complete trivia.

Do the aunts not count as people who ought to compromise, use the correct name in the interests of family harmony, move on from their particular whim which involves repeated use of the wrong name? I think we all know the answer to that one.

And with that in mind, probably best you don't have anything to say about common sense.

I agree with this. The OP is on a mission to make her point and is determined to be offended.
Can people not compromise these days and just move on in the interest of family harmony? Why do people seem to think they are the front middle and centre of everyone else's world and their every whim must be remembered and attended to?
Yes it's the op's name, yes it's important to her but she has chosen to not follow the usual pattern after marriage - which is becoming more usual, I realise this - but her choice really isn't important to anyone else and her aunts have probably gone onto automatic pilot when sending the cards.
The idea that going to the bother of sending a card but addressing it incorrectly is considered rude but RETURNING IT UNOPENED is perfectly OK showscme that some on this thread lost a grip on common sense in the pursuit of making their point.

The number of posters telling OP it’s not a big deal, and that she’s somehow arrogant, rude or self centred for wanting to be called by her OWN NAME is shocking.

She’s been telling them for 20 years that that’s not her name, and it’s never been her name. So this “forgetting” of her name must be an annual thing.

Yes but I don’t think that is used very often these days, most people would say maid of honour.

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat theres no issue with having a best woman or mentors in place of godparents but that’s not what everyone does. I was just commenting that language containing ‘maid’ is still common place whether rightly or wrongly. You have every right to be called whatever you want and to be offended that someone is misnaming you. Clearly these things matter to you, I was just requesting a bit of courtesy when responding to a helpful suggestion meant with no ill intent.

I haven't tried to make a case for it to be retained, that's you putting words into my mouth. I've suggested why people of my age or older may find it difficult.

Like many older people, I write Christmas cards as a means of keeping in touch - I don't necessarily know their phone number, I can't just text or phone and ask them. So I do what I think is least likely to offend.

I've never taken offence at people calling me Mrs his-name. Nor has DH taken offence at people calling him Mr my-name. (what I do correct is people calling me Mrs my-name not Ms. I've never been married to my father)

@MereDintofPandiculation I don't believe you. If you'd kept your name you'd know that the polite thing to do is ask a woman what name she is now using, and then use it.

Is it not in the same vein as bridesmaids and maid of honour. Isn't it matron of honour

What I was brought up with was that "women take their husband's name on marriage, and that;s the correct way to address them", I kept my name, which was very much a minority choice at the time. Now it's not such a minority choice, it may even be the norm, and you need to know what each woman chooses. If I'm not sure, my upbringing veers me towards using husband's name as the "safe" choice. However, I know I'm out of date. So I cop out and use first names only for a couple. Someone older than me quite possibly find that difficult, and I understand why they would veer to using husband's name. (I've been addressing OP's original question - not sure what 50 year-old aunts were up to).

It's not that I think it's polite to address a woman by her husbands name, it's that, when I was growing up, it was less likely to cause offence than calling them by their pre-marriage name.

A lot of what I do to be polite isn't what my gut instinct is, it's what I remind myself I have to do now that views of politeness have moved on half a century. It's a bit like an English person having a meal in a culture where it's polite to slurp your soup. You'd do it, to be polite to your hosts, but inside it wouldn't feel like good manners.

Is it not in the same vein as bridesmaids and maid of honour. They’re just terms that are used which I doubt many would object to given how commonly used they are. Technically they imply virginal maids and a married woman being given the honour of being a maid for the day. This is not what people interpret these as anymore so how is saying maiden name sexist but bridesmaid or maid of honour not? I get people can chose language they feel comfortable with and agree language should evolve to be more inclusive but acting like you can’t understand when someone uses words that have common parlance is being obtuse.

I am not sure if I'm remembering it correctly but I'm sure my mum used to make me address to my grandparents - Mr and Mrs his initial his surname. Just seems bizarre but I guess that's how it was done. I guess that generation will still address things like that so I can imagine using his surname is the norm for them. I couldn't get wound up about it tbh. My partner is often referred to as my husband and I never bother correcting anyone.

This just isn't consistent with you saying that your gut instinct is that it's polite to address a woman by her husband's name.

Before marriage/after marriage assumes that there will be a marriage though. Hence "old maid" being used to describe a woman who failed to get herself married.

It's weird to use the term "maiden name" for a woman who has never been married, because she might never marry and that's OK. And it's doubly weird to use it for a woman who is married and has chosen to keep her own name.

The existence of the term "maiden name" for women and no equivalent "little boy name" term for men presupposes that a girl will both marry (or else have failed in life) and take her husband's surname when she does. Whereas with boys we assume that they will keep their names, so there is no equivalent.

And yes, I know, language evolves, but the little girl/virgin connotations give me the ick in this day and age. Language needs to evolve so we don't use this ridiculous term anymore.

My in laws make a point of sending an anniversary card every year with Mr and Mrs His Name on it. They were so pissed I didn't take their name when we married. Made worse when we had DS1 and we double barrelled with my family name appearing first 🫢. I consider it all they have left to do to remind me they're annoyed 🤷🏼 I laugh every year and then forget about it

According to her, if a woman has made the correct choice (taking her husband's name) it would be an insult not to remember that, but if a woman has made the incorrect choice (keeping her own name), nobody can possibly be expected to remember that, and even if they do remember it, they can't possibly be expected to respect it because calling a married woman by anything other than her husband's name goes against their own ingrained good manners.

Of course it doesn't make sense because that's not what I've said.

(Good thing her DIL made the correct choice, because you can bet your life that if she had kept her own name she'd be one of the posters on here complaining that her MIL refused to use her correct surname.) Why would I do that, when I myself have kept my own name?