Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

Compromise is my situation would have meant a double barrelled name. I’ve already said how double barrelled was a no no for me.
How would Lucy Johnson-Smythe and David Pendlebury-Jones go about compromising if they were both adamant the kids had to take their names?
Johnson-Smyth-Pendlebury-Jones?

we had to open a joint bank account for some of the cheques we received.
I don't mind the ones that used just his surname (even though I double barelled, because my surname is very rare) but I was fuming about the ones that assumed we were both now called Richard. my name is not, and never will be Richard.

I'm a Ms, but can get on board with women using titles in ways that don't make sense when compared to the traditional meanings. If we can't get rid of all the titles that relate to marital status, the next best thing is to erode the meanings.

If I have to use anything I use Mrs although it rarely comes up. Don’t like Ms. I’m not a possession belonging to anyone.

DH doesn’t have a surname which indicates who he is married to - why should I!

I get this all the time, even from people of my own age. My late MIL also got our DCs surnames wrong. Not sure if it was memory or just passive aggressive arsiness. BIL also gets DCs surnames wrong. Says he can't spell my surname (even though he has a Phd so must have a decent memory 🙄).

Imo the mothers name should be the default with divorce so prevalent, and the dc usually staying mostly with their mums (50/50 still isn't sought or wanted by many men). If a woman goes on to remarry and have more children they will all have the same name too, her name.

Yes the tradition is to pass on the paternal name of the two but not always. Javier Bardem I believe uses his mother’s as the main name of his two surnames.

I also love your suggestion which is the fairest of all!

Am I right in thinking it’s still the paternal names of each parent’s own double barrelled surname that usually get passed on? A law changed in Spain in 1999 to “allow” the name from the female line to be used, but it has yet to really catch on I believe. (I am not sure about Portugal.) So even then it’s not especially fair.

To me it would make perfect sense for the default custom (for heterosexual parents, at least) to be that everyone double barrels, with the mother passing on the name from the female line, and the father the name from the male one.

Well good for you.

as a 40 year old newly widowed mum of two it wasn’t common. If you were a SAHM your DH often gave you cash for housekeeping as card payments were those carbon copy stamps. You couldn’t make bank transfers etc without going into the bank so it was one bank account, cheques, and cash.

My point was even as recently as the 80’s and 90’s women didn’t have the same access to credit and purchasing if they weren’t married. It was still considered “his” money if you were married. Feminism matters.

Compromise. If a couple can't come to a fair compromise over names then they probably aren't ready to get married. It doesn't have to involve someone backing down at all.

Maybe he said no to a joint account and she had no say in it.

Portuguese and Spanish. Drop one, pass one on.

all his banking was immediately shut down leaving my mum with nothing as she had no account in her own name with anything in. No joint accounts then. There were joint accounts in 1986, I had one.

I just couldn’t hack double barrelled for my family. In my mind I thought— what about when the DCs have kids and both sides are equally attached to their own double barrelled names? The Portuguese I think drop one. So while they all have a lot of names, it doesn't increase exponentially.

This was an old fashioned practice when I got married 35+ years ago. Yanbu

Yeah, but you've not been married to a Parker. Mrs doesn't just say you're married, it says who you are or have been married to.

I had the same issue with my mother ignoring the reality that I hadn't changed my name to Mrs Cat - I think they are just set in their ways and/or don't approve of your decision or don't believe that it is real because obviously the universe would disappear in a puff of smoke if women didn't change their names when they got married ! It's frustrating and if I had had a daughter who changed her name after marriage , although it might have surprised me, I would never have sent a letter addressed to the wrong name - but I can only assume they just don't see it that way ! Yes been there cashing in cheques with my marriage certificate !

Good for you!
I just couldn’t hack double barrelled for my family. In my mind I thought— what about when the DCs have kids and both sides are equally attached to their own double barrelled names? Where does it end? Someone has to back down sometime. Unfortunately in my case it was me. I’m very happy for you that you didn’t 👍🏻♥️

No—he wouldn’t have minded if I had kept my name—it was if he didn’t get to brand the kids with his name. I wanted to brand them with mine.
Like I said, I could have kept my name but I didn’t want to be my name and the kids be his name. I wanted the same name as my children and so did he.

I’m your husband too but in the opposite way. There was no way I was giving up my name for a man and there was no way that the children I give birth to weren’t going to have my name. So they have a double barrelled surname because that felt like the only compromise.

Would your husband really have ended the relationship if he did not get to brand you with his name?!

Although I think it’s a stupid tradition I get some people like adhering to tradition. But if a man was INSISTENT that his wife had to have his name I would assume he would have other views on gender that….well each to their own but I would assume he was a bit of a chauvinist.

Edit: I misread - you are talking about passing on names to children. Yep I think that‘s murkier as children don’t have a name and need one.

I get some women want the same name as their kids but I wonder if that’s because that’s what they are used. That concept never bothered me but that’s because I have never shared a surname with my mother. Maybe I would have felt differently had I done.

I never meant to say that—sorry if that’s how it came across. I’ve got no problem with anyone wanting to keep their own name. I was just saying my own personal experience and how I felt about it at the time. And why I decided not to.
My point was, one of us had to give in—because there’s no way I wanted to inflict a double barrelled surname on my children. I could’ve kept my name and given the DCs his(I don’t think he would have minded this at all, the argument was more about what we would call any potential kids than me taking his[or his father’s!] name) but I didn’t want a different surname to my children.
It was my given name, but taken from my father(as his and most people’s, in the uk at least, have been, historically). I looked at it rationally and I didn’t want to lose my relationship (I wonder if it would have come to that if I hadn’t backed down?😂) over a name that had been given to me as a direct result of this tradition I was trying to end. It seemed paradoxical to me at the time.
I have told the DCs about this weird time in mine and their dad’s lives and we have a laugh about it.
As a couple we rarely argue, but if we do—it’s ALWAYS me that backs down. I’m not saying this is right—each to their own—but I have a very happy life, a supportive husband and a beautiful family. I don’t know if I would have these things if I had insisted on passing my maiden name on to any children we might have had. I am going to ask DH tonight what he would’ve done if I hadn’t backed down. We have occasionally talked about it since, and he always apologises for his bloody-mindedness, but I guess that’s easy for him to do after he got his own way.

Count yourself lucky - I get cards to my husband and I from an old neighbour of his who came to our wedding. She gets my first name totally wrong - i've decided shes crackers and just laugh ( She's knocking 80). I mean it might vaguely sound the same but its definitely not right