Page 2 | Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 2024-10-12T13:32:08+00:00

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them. Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname. So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname? It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used? So if you do this, WHY?!

Needmorelego · 15/10/2024 09:43

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat apologies I did miss-read.
(I still think you're being a bit petty though 😬)

Original poster

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 09:42

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:53

And when you have directly asked them "why are you sending in this name to me" what have they responded?

Or have you not actually directly asked and just acted passive aggressive by throwing the offending bits of paper in the bin?

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They’ve had 19 years of gentle reminders. “Thanks for the card Aunty Jane. Just FYI, I don’t use Mrs Hisname - I’m still Ms Myname, just like always, and Facebook and LinkedIn.”

“thank you for the card and cheque for DD. It’s really kind of you. Unfortunately we can’t cash it because I don’t use Mrs Hisname and we don’t have a joint account. Yes, DD is Myname, what with me being the one to do all the hard work and everything.”

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MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2024 09:37

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 09:31

What? No. Read my posts again.

Xmas cards go in the bin. Opened but binned. People know we don’t celebrate.

The cheques were wedding gifts made out to both of us. We don’t have a joint account and if we did my name wouldn’t be the same as DH’s so we couldn’t cash them. They noticed we hadn’t cashed them, and asked why so we explained and they gave us cheques in the right name/to one of us so that we could cash them.

Nobody is sending money/cheques in cards now.

They send DD’s birthday cards to her in the right name (mine). Somehow it makes sense to them, despite all of the above, that DD is the only one in the family using my name and have been sending my cards addressed to Mrs Hisname or Mrs Myname-Hisname. Names and titles I have not used ever. It’s been 20 years of them doing this. I binned the cards without opening them this year because the rudeness completely obliterates any kind intent in sending cards in the first place.

Edited

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Why don't you tell them that though?

"I don't open these cards anymore because for me, the rudeness of deliberately getting my name wrong wipes out any kind intent in sending them. I have to assume it is deliberate, after 20 years of asking you nicely to get my name right."

Original poster

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 09:36

Needmorelego · 15/10/2024 09:01

I'm actually more amazed that two ladies that are apparently only in their 50s are still using cheques.
I don't know anyone who has used cheques in years. Banks don't even send out chequebooks unless you specifically request one.

The cheques were 20 years ago. And then 14 years ago when DD was born. Not since.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 09:31

Needmorelego · 15/10/2024 08:48

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat you threw cheques away just because you "don't do Christmas" ?

What? No. Read my posts again.

Xmas cards go in the bin. Opened but binned. People know we don’t celebrate.

The cheques were wedding gifts made out to both of us. We don’t have a joint account and if we did my name wouldn’t be the same as DH’s so we couldn’t cash them. They noticed we hadn’t cashed them, and asked why so we explained and they gave us cheques in the right name/to one of us so that we could cash them.

Nobody is sending money/cheques in cards now.

They send DD’s birthday cards to her in the right name (mine). Somehow it makes sense to them, despite all of the above, that DD is the only one in the family using my name and have been sending my cards addressed to Mrs Hisname or Mrs Myname-Hisname. Names and titles I have not used ever. It’s been 20 years of them doing this. I binned the cards without opening them this year because the rudeness completely obliterates any kind intent in sending cards in the first place.

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OneDandyPoet · 15/10/2024 09:17

OneDandyPoet · 15/10/2024 08:51

She is not coming according as aggressive - the nss as me they use to address her by is not her name in any shape or form, legally or otherwise. They even send cheques made out to a name that they have repeatedly been told does not exist, so these cheques can never be banked. That in its self it sounds like the aunts are having a laugh. And over the period of 20 years, she has pointed this mistake out on numerous occasions.

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Apologies - the first 2 lines should read as: “She is not coming across as aggressive - the name they use to address her by….”

Mobile texting, having lost my glasses, doh!

sweetsardineface · 15/10/2024 09:14

twomanyfrogsinabox · 12/10/2024 17:13

I do send my brother and his wife Mr and Mrs hisname addressed Christmas cards although she doesn't use his name. If sending to her would use her name. Would seem weird to send to Mr hisname and Mrs hername.

That’s so rude.

Needmorelego · 15/10/2024 09:01

I'm actually more amazed that two ladies that are apparently only in their 50s are still using cheques.
I don't know anyone who has used cheques in years. Banks don't even send out chequebooks unless you specifically request one.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2024 08:55

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 08:46

Yeah. The last 19 times of doing that were just a warm up. (Actually, 19 birthday cards but there have also been Xmas cards - we don’t do Xmas so all of those go in the bin - plus the cheques.)

I’m sure they’re just waiting for reminder 20 to get it through their skulls.

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Wait, why are you binning cheques?

Honestly I think I would address it head on.

"Dear Auntie, thank you for the cheque. Unfortunately I can't cash it because, as you know, Mrs Smith isn't my name and the bank will not accept it. We've had this conversation multiple times over the years now and I'm kind of at a loss to know what to say. After 20 years of reminding you that I haven't changed my name it's starting to feel like you're making a deliberate point of addressing me as Mrs Smith because you disapprove of my choice not to change my name on marriage. Frankly, it hurts my feelings. If you can't respect my choice I would really rather you didn't waste time, money and paper sending me post."

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:53

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 08:46

Yeah. The last 19 times of doing that were just a warm up. (Actually, 19 birthday cards but there have also been Xmas cards - we don’t do Xmas so all of those go in the bin - plus the cheques.)

I’m sure they’re just waiting for reminder 20 to get it through their skulls.

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And when you have directly asked them "why are you sending in this name to me" what have they responded?

Or have you not actually directly asked and just acted passive aggressive by throwing the offending bits of paper in the bin?

OneDandyPoet · 15/10/2024 08:51

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:31

Meh, I couldn't get het up about it because I have much more difficult issues in my life than whether I should be Ms or Mrs and which name I use. Incidentally, I use both for different reasons and I am happy with my choice.

What I don't understand is why you haven't just called them and had it out with them? You're arguing with people online (and coming across quite aggressive and rude tbh) but yet you haven't said that you've directly confronted "Auntie Flo" and said why are you doing this??

Get out from behind the screen and talk to them like adults. Not petulantly throwing a card away unopened instead of confronting them. If, after that, they still do it then fair enough, fuck them.

She is not coming according as aggressive - the nss as me they use to address her by is not her name in any shape or form, legally or otherwise. They even send cheques made out to a name that they have repeatedly been told does not exist, so these cheques can never be banked. That in its self it sounds like the aunts are having a laugh. And over the period of 20 years, she has pointed this mistake out on numerous occasions.

Needmorelego · 15/10/2024 08:48

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat you threw cheques away just because you "don't do Christmas" ?

Original poster

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 08:46

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:43

Of course it is, I'm saying that I couldn't get het up about it as I have bigger issues happening. You know, my personal opinion.

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You use both names so of course you wouldn’t mind. <sigh>

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Original poster

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 08:46

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:31

Meh, I couldn't get het up about it because I have much more difficult issues in my life than whether I should be Ms or Mrs and which name I use. Incidentally, I use both for different reasons and I am happy with my choice.

What I don't understand is why you haven't just called them and had it out with them? You're arguing with people online (and coming across quite aggressive and rude tbh) but yet you haven't said that you've directly confronted "Auntie Flo" and said why are you doing this??

Get out from behind the screen and talk to them like adults. Not petulantly throwing a card away unopened instead of confronting them. If, after that, they still do it then fair enough, fuck them.

Yeah. The last 19 times of doing that were just a warm up. (Actually, 19 birthday cards but there have also been Xmas cards - we don’t do Xmas so all of those go in the bin - plus the cheques.)

I’m sure they’re just waiting for reminder 20 to get it through their skulls.

OP posts:

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:43

JHound · 15/10/2024 08:40

It’s possible to get het up about small things even if you have different bigger problems in life.

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Of course it is, I'm saying that I couldn't get het up about it as I have bigger issues happening. You know, my personal opinion.

JHound · 15/10/2024 08:40

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:31

Meh, I couldn't get het up about it because I have much more difficult issues in my life than whether I should be Ms or Mrs and which name I use. Incidentally, I use both for different reasons and I am happy with my choice.

What I don't understand is why you haven't just called them and had it out with them? You're arguing with people online (and coming across quite aggressive and rude tbh) but yet you haven't said that you've directly confronted "Auntie Flo" and said why are you doing this??

Get out from behind the screen and talk to them like adults. Not petulantly throwing a card away unopened instead of confronting them. If, after that, they still do it then fair enough, fuck them.

It’s possible to get het up about small things even if you have different bigger problems in life.

JHound · 15/10/2024 08:36

CrowleyKitten · 14/10/2024 21:31

we had to open a joint bank account for some of the cheques we received.
I don't mind the ones that used just his surname (even though I double barelled, because my surname is very rare) but I was fuming about the ones that assumed we were both now called Richard. my name is not, and never will be Richard.

I find this so weird I genuinely do. The assuming that somebody changes their name post marriage is weird to me.

JHound · 15/10/2024 08:35

WinterOfMyLife · 15/10/2024 08:05

No it’s not difficult—but it is ridiculous 😂😂😂

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Why is it ridiculous?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 15/10/2024 08:31

Meh, I couldn't get het up about it because I have much more difficult issues in my life than whether I should be Ms or Mrs and which name I use. Incidentally, I use both for different reasons and I am happy with my choice.

What I don't understand is why you haven't just called them and had it out with them? You're arguing with people online (and coming across quite aggressive and rude tbh) but yet you haven't said that you've directly confronted "Auntie Flo" and said why are you doing this??

Get out from behind the screen and talk to them like adults. Not petulantly throwing a card away unopened instead of confronting them. If, after that, they still do it then fair enough, fuck them.

Original poster

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 15/10/2024 08:15

WinterOfMyLife · 15/10/2024 08:05

No it’s not difficult—but it is ridiculous 😂😂😂

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This is how it works in other European countries, who no doubt think the expectation that women name change is ridiculous.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2024 08:10

WinterOfMyLife · 15/10/2024 08:05

No it’s not difficult—but it is ridiculous 😂😂😂

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Why is it ridiculous?

WinterOfMyLife · 15/10/2024 08:05

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2024 08:01

Johnson-Jones
Johnson-Pendlebury
Smythe-Jones
Pendlebury-Smythe

It's not difficult.

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No it’s not difficult—but it is ridiculous 😂😂😂

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 15/10/2024 08:01

WinterOfMyLife · 15/10/2024 05:33

Compromise is my situation would have meant a double barrelled name. I’ve already said how double barrelled was a no no for me.
How would Lucy Johnson-Smythe and David Pendlebury-Jones go about compromising if they were both adamant the kids had to take their names?
Johnson-Smyth-Pendlebury-Jones?

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Johnson-Jones
Johnson-Pendlebury
Smythe-Jones
Pendlebury-Smythe

It's not difficult.

eastegg · 15/10/2024 07:52

CrowleyKitten · 14/10/2024 21:31

we had to open a joint bank account for some of the cheques we received.
I don't mind the ones that used just his surname (even though I double barelled, because my surname is very rare) but I was fuming about the ones that assumed we were both now called Richard. my name is not, and never will be Richard.

Ah give over, it’s tradition! And anyway the old dears doing it were probably ancient, like 53 or something, and probably think all married women are called Richard! Get over yourself you feminazi!

eastegg · 15/10/2024 07:48

CrowleyKitten · 14/10/2024 21:31

we had to open a joint bank account for some of the cheques we received.
I don't mind the ones that used just his surname (even though I double barelled, because my surname is very rare) but I was fuming about the ones that assumed we were both now called Richard. my name is not, and never will be Richard.

😂