Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

Was it deliberate rudeness to remember the birthday and send a card too? Especially when nobody else bothered as the op only got two cards.

A gracious thank you is all that's required.

It bothers me too, OP.

My mum sends me parcels as Mrs Hisname and I cant retrieve them from the post office as I have no ID

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be annoyed. It drives me crazy, but I’m not even married!! I can cope with Mrs Hisname from random people who have no reason to know, but from friends and relatives I just correct them. Every time. If it’s the older generation then I’d be a bit more lenient and slightly less annoyed.

You're the one being rude! They are in their 50s, that is not "two old ladies." Plenty of us in our 50s didn't take our partner's names when we married.

OP, they are rude. It's not exactly challenging to know your own niece's name, especially when that name is the same as it's been for your entire life. They're either being pass-agg about your choice or make lazy assumptions despite being told otherwise.

I have a godmother and a great aunt who do this. My own brother double-barrells me, which is also not my name. It's annoying to the point I rather wish they wouldn't bother with sending a card if they aren't going to use my name. But I roll my eyes and move on because they refuse to change.

Because they can't remember which family members changed their names and which didn't?

We get cards from DHs aunt addressed to Mr&Mrs his name we both double barrelled, we see her once or twice a year, and it's nice she remembers our birthdays and anniversary.

There's another family member who addresses them as Mr/Mrs hisname-myname when we're actually Mr/Mrs myname-hisname , I don't believe for a second it's done to offend and it's essentially a clerical error so I don't worry about it.

I get it.

A lot of it comes down to old traditions where women took the name of their husbands by default. Despite it not being at all necessary, some people who believe that's how it should still be, apply it to everyone because they are set in their ways. If they won't listen then keep telling them and make a point of explaining why it's not okay because that's not your name.

My grandmother did this to me after my divorce. I told her I wasn't using my ex husband's name, but she said I should be because I took it when I was married and therefore it should stay that way. Traditional nonsense basically.

Probably to wish you a happy birthday and it’s a mistake as they don’t follow these details as closely as you do. Perhaps also from a generation who change their names more often with marriage. Either way ‘happy birthday!’

One of my relatives does this. She sends us a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs His-First-Name, His-Last-Name. Like I don't exist! Merely a possession of DH.

I was tempted to send their card addressed to Mr and Mrs Her-First-Name, His-Last-Name, but decided to rise above it. I let it slide, but know what you mean OP, it is old fashioned, but they are old fashioned people.

My parents still send me a cheque for Xmas with my ex husbands surname on it.
I've been divorced for 10 years and the 20 years I was married to him I never changed my surname. I kept my own surname.

Wouldn't bother me. You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about being someone's wife. Quite odd tbh. It's only your husbands surname, not some derogatory slur.

I'd be interested to know how many people saying it's not a big deal changed their name on marriage.

YANBU OP. It's deliberate rudeness.

Maybe they are old now and just cannot remember that you follow a different way. It's not so much forgetting. It's that the "manners" you are brought up with you internalise. So in theory you know to use "maiden" name, but it still seems rude (unless you are totally sure that is the person's wish), and "married" name seems the safer option if you have any doubt.

Imagine if you were told that nowadays it was impolite to thank someone who brought you a cup of tea, "because it was implying they did it as a grovelling favour to you rather than of their own free will". Can you imagine how difficult it would be not to say thank you? Your brain knows you shouldn't say thank-you, but your gut says it's rude not to.

One exclamation mark would suffice

If OP is called e.g. Sarah Smith and she's married a man called Jones, then one of the cards has been addressed to "Sarah Smith-Jones".

Could you please point out exactly when this was "correct etiquette" for letter writing? Because otherwise it kinda sounds like you're making stuff up to excuse an obviously deliberate snub.

I have occasionally done this on Christmas cards, when I’ve forgotten. It’s not deliberate. In the same way my dbro sends me texts in the run up to Christmas every year without fail asking me if I can remember various cousins’ spouses and kids names, and married surnames. Because he forgets shit too. People do. I also get cards addressed to me from friends and family with my surname misspelled. It really doesn’t bother me, because it’s just not a big deal, and there are far bigger things to get upright about. I’m just touched they bother to send me cards - most people don’t bother these days.

Myself and DDs are double barrelled, in- laws have known this since before we married 26 years ago. Cards always Mrs DH Name. Then for DDs 21st birthday FIL sent cheques. Yep, just DH name. He was surprised that the bank didn’t accept them.

It sounds like passive aggressive disapproval. Very tiresome for you but in the grand scheme is it worth getting wound up about? I mean, are they like this about everything or just stubbornly ignorant over this one point? Also, its gone on for 20years, it's unlikely to change now. Just chalk it up to one of those idiotic things parents do that annoy the hell out of us. My dm mispronounces some words and I swear she used to pronounce them correctly but started doing it wrong for comic effect, now it has become her normal pronunciation and it drives me insane, she sounds ridiculous. I just take a deep breath and remember I cannot control other people, only my reaction to them...and if they want to look like an idiot its their choice!

Be thankful - it could be worse. My aunt addresses my birthday cards to Mrs HisInitial HisSurname. I have my husband’s surname, so no issue there, but it is ridiculously old-fashioned to use my husband’s initial to address a card personally to me.

Happy birthday 💐, @ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat

YANBU at all. It's a shame this still happens.

I was never married to my ex, but my daughter has his name. To this blessed day I'm called Mrs Ex. Sometimes I just don't bother acknowledging, as I don't answer to names that are not mine 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I was thinking they are in their 70s or 80s in which case I would tell you to let it go as you have not followed a societal norm which is sometimes harder for older folk to fathom sometimes.

As they are in their 50s and presumedly have other family members they can ask, they simply just don't care about you. Probably only think about you once a year when they send a card.

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat What you do, is up to you. You can either correct them or not.
A quick WhatsApp saying 'Thanks for the card. BTW My name is 'Jane Smith'. See you at the Christmas get together x'
And then send that every time they do it.
I assume they are being stupid rather than mean - but you know them, I don't.

I agree.

They’ve gone to the effort of going to the shop, buying a card and stamp, writing it out and posting it and you’re not even going to open it because they dared to put your DH’s last name on it.

I hope they don’t bother in the future or carry on doing it just to piss you off even further.

My FIL kept writing my DC name wrong on envelopes. The DC have my last name, not DH's. FIL invented a double barrelled version which we didn't really mind, just thought he was muddled up. After a while DH explained the correct names to FIL and FIL said "But I don't approve of that". 😂😂

My DP's ex does this 😂

Old ladies?

I get that a lot as I’m not married and my son has his dad’s surname so people just assume it’s the same. It’s not something I get bothered about tbh