Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

Cannot believe some of the responses. It is a big deal. It's as bad as being called Sarah and having aunts continuously refer to you as George. It's rude and after all of these years clearly intentional.

I did not charge my name upon marriage 28 years ago. It does not bother me one bit that a few people (mostly older than I but one contemporary) call me Mrs HisName. They are not making a point or being unkind. They just forget. I do not care at all. I think you are overly sensitive. Unless you think they are doing it deliberately to upset you.

That's with a to Mrs His first name his second name though

Being someone this has happened to - from a parent and aunt no less - I’d suggest you ‘get over yourself’. What the bloody hell is the point of coming on here, reading the op and then bothering to type that?

OP - I hear you and I’ve had the conversation with my parents about how I’m still NotHisName. And yet they take no a blind bit of notice and still send birthday cards addressed to Mrs HisName. Gives me the rage! So I started sending birthday cards to my mum addressed Miss MaidenName. Petty but gives me a shred of joy 😂

You can actually write just a first name on an envelope. Nobody will actually arrest you. In fact there's no requirement to write anything except the house number and postcode on an envelope. On the rare occasion I send something to a friend in the post I literally just put their first name, or Firstname surname (their own one!) Never Mrs/Ms/Miss. The whole concept of titles is archaic and should be done away with in a society when almost everyone uses first names in almost every situation.

My FIL does this and I've always assumed he was trolling me

It's pretty 50/50 with my peers who have and haven't changed their names so it's hard to remember. I don't see the big deal as long as the post gets to you.

That makes it a lot more puzzling.

I'm in my 50s, and I'd say at least half the women I know kept their own family names when they married and the rest make sure not to get names wrong.

Even if a woman has married and changed her name, if you can't remember what her husbands name is then you could address the card to her original name. I think that is less offensive than addressing someone by a name that they have never had, especially if they have had the same name since birth.

Yes but why are they being so arrogant about it (was my question).

Preach!

We're not even married and I get Mrs Hisname off my partner's sister. Utterly bizarre.

And yes, I am an 'ultra mad feminist' 😂 Any woman who isn't is an idiot.

I'm not sure that etiquette from a time when women always changed their names on marriage and had no real choice in the matter is all that relevant.

We live in an era where if someone asks you to use opposite sex pronouns for them and you continue to use the pronouns associated with their biological sex that can be considered harassment. So how can it be proper etiquette to address someone by a name you know isn't their name, because you feel they should have changed it?

Agreed. I've been married for over 20 years too and Mrs His Name has never existed. I've also had to send cheques back because I can't deposit them. It's just rude to call someone by a name they have never been.

I'm always impressed at the lack of self awareness whenever you, of all people, downplay anyone being unhappy about how they're addressed.

This happens to me too. I don't really care. Why would I?

I've even had relatives refer to me by my (imaginary) married name in official documents. It's fine, I just flash my marriage certificate, if needed. Job done.

Just because something is old fashioned doesn’t mean it can’t be challenged or criticised, especially as this clearly upsets the OP?

That etiquette existed until quite recently. Definitely in the ‘50s 60s 70s and actually even up to this century if not beyond.

It is probably still the correct form
in the U.K. even if someone’s maiden/own name is also now equally correct, according to choice.

I agree though that ideally OP’s aunts should remember her preference.

I can’t find an U.K. etiquette guide on line, but here is the well-known US one still including Mrs Hisname Hissurname as well as the choice for the woman using her own name.

(From Emily Post)

Addressing a Woman

Maiden name
Ms. Jane Johnson
Miss Jane Johnson*
*Usually ‘Miss’ is for girls under 18

Married, keeping maiden name
Ms. Jane Johnson

Married, uses husband’s name socially
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly*
*Nowadays this is acceptable
Ms. Jane Kelly

Separated, not divorced
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly

Divorced
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Johnson (maiden name)

Widowed
Mrs. John Kelly*
*If you don’t know the widow’s preference, this is the traditional and preferred form
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly

I shouldn’t think the Palace would address Victoria Starmer as Ms Victoria X. if they were to send her an invitation as an individual.

It's infuriating.

We are Mr DH and Dr P Chrayn.

I didn't slog away for a decade in academia to have my identity swallowed up in DH's.

I get this, despite having never been married to my partner (or anyone else). From his relatives, who are in their 30s. I always assumed it's because they can't remember my name. Fair play, I can't remember theirs either, and am terrible generally with names both first and last! There's no malice in it.

I still wonder if Mrs Jane Smith is divorced when I see it.

DIL took DS's name but calls herself Mrs Susie surname. It seems odd to me but is today's way so I nod and smile and respect it.

I can see why you find this irritating. My in-laws have done the same for the past 30 years. It bothered me at first as it seemed they were making the point that I should have (in their view) changed my name. I mentioned it to them at first, but just ignore it nowadays.

Fucking hell, the ageism on this thread. These aren’t doddery old lady stereotypes, incapable of changing their ways; they’re perfectly with-it women in their middle age who are being rude and a bit twattish.

Stupidity and / or laziness. It’s not your name

It isn’t her name. That’s the point.