Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

Mountain out of a molehill. Out of interest, why do you refer to them in your OP as your mum's sisters and not as your aunts?

The first few posts you've received in response are predictable. But of course YANBU. It's inconsiderate. It's intended to invalidate, particularly if someone doesn't have the excuse of not knowing your name fine well.

If a person refuses to afford someone the absolute basic courtesy of their own name then it's a pretty poor show. If it isn't suggestive of the state of the relationship, and the extent to which they value that person, then it certainly leaves that impression.

Which is why I suspect it's often done to put women back in our box. You've dared to have the upstart pretension to assert your own personal identity. See also, 'but your husband's name is your legal name'. No, it isn't. Your name is your name unless you go out of your way to change it.

It happens to me frequently. I don't respond, either to correct the name (after the first twice, why give them the satisfaction of knowing they've hit the mark?) or, for that matter, to thank them for the card. Why offer thanks when I've asked to be called by my actual name and been refused that basic courtesy? I'd rather they didn't bother sending one at all, and were it not that they're intent on making this point I don't think they'd bother: they never did before I had DC. At least that would be more honest.

As to addressing me by my accurate title of 'Dr', hell would freeze over first. The extent to which that would stick in the craw is actually quite entertaining. 😂

I guess it could be PA but more likely to be they aren't detail people and it isn't important enough to them to remember - or they half remember but aren't sure which way round it is now so guess incorrectly.

Every year I used to get a birthday card delivered for my neighbour at #45 (we're at #25) - thankfully we're friends so I recognise the name and know who it is for. She told the person sending it that they have her address written down incorrectly for about 8 years before they finally changed it in their address book!

We have relatives who insist on spelling our street name incorrectly (can be spelt two ways, the way it is actually spelt is the least popular of the two) - they will never spell it right. I accept that now and given up trying. They've visited us numerous times over 20+ years and must've seen the street sign. Not detail people.

It is clearly important to you so I would thank them for the card and remind them of your name again every single year until they finally get it. They might.

Putting a full address and name makes it more likely to get there. If you get the wrong house number or postcode or it gets smudged in the post for example.

Also postmen don't memorise postcodes but an experienced postman will know all the street names and a lot of the surnames on their patch so it makes their job easier and therefore they are more likely to get it right

My theory is that some women who changed their names on marriage without even giving a second thought to the alternative feel quite defensive now they've realised that other women see this as a patriarchal tradition and opt not to follow it. So they feel slightly judged by women who don't change their names on marriage, and probably don't want it to become the mainstream option because it will make women who do change their names look old fashioned and unfeminist. Deliberately addressing a woman by her husband's name when you know she has kept her own name is a passive aggressive, "you think you're better than us but you're not".

Oh good grief. Molehill to mountain.

the envelope largely just gets the item to the correct house.

youve used your power of deduction to work out who the card is for. Bloody open them & read what they've written. Is it love or something nasty?

it's what's INSIDE that matters!!

Why on earth would it seem more weird to use her actual name, rather than Mrs Not her name?! That sounds like exactly what my MIL says and I just think every time she sounds so stupid saying it. "Oh it looks so funny writing Ms FSO ". So you know and get it wrong anyway? Ok... Weird thing to do on purpose.

Been with DH since the 70s and I am 66.
I know literally no other person my age or friends who didn't change her name on marriage.
I've had a lifetime of wrong names. As has DH. I couldn't get annoyed about it, we just answer to MrsHisname or MrHername.
Cards - I'd be happy to get one.

My sister is middle aged like me. On being told that I wasn't changing my surname on getting married, after 30 years and two children together, because I like being Ms Day, was shocked to the core. She told me that I had to, it wasn't legal otherwise.

There is a lot of ignorance about.

I do send my brother and his wife Mr and Mrs hisname addressed Christmas cards although she doesn't use his name. If sending to her would use her name. Would seem weird to send to Mr hisname and Mrs hername.

I think you're being very egotistical about this. No one else is that invested in your name. You can't expect people to remember who exactly changed their names and who didn't. It's just a harmless mistake

I would just be glad they remembered your birthday. Maybe there's a reason only 2 people did if this is your response!

I'm not married to my children's dad. I am also a Dr. People send cards to Mr and Mrs his name, my children get either my name, his name or a double barrelled version, the children's names are often also spelled wrong even by grandparents. It really doesn't bother me at all.

Just on the envelopes? Who cares?
You either like these aunts and are glad to hear from them, or you don't like them and think they're doing it deliberately to annoy you. If the latter, it's working obviously.

I get mail address to Ms myinitial mysurname, Mrs DHinitial DH surname and everything in between. Clearly it's for me so I open it.

Slightly different, but I've been divorced about 5 years and my mum STILL sends cards addressed to Mrs Fang Coward. it's more effort on her part to write Mrs on the envelope than Fang Coward or F Coward. I just don't get it....just why??

Happens to me too and I give it not one thought. I just think how lovely they have gone to the effort to get me a card and buy a blimming expensive stamp.

I understand, but is it just Dr instead of Mrs? What about Chrayn? Do you share the same surname? Which of you didn’t have the surname originally.

Someone’s name is hardly minutiae. If you can’t be fucked to use someone’s name, why the hell are you sending them a card? It has to be either laziness or rudeness. Better not to bother at all, or just send a nice text, which would be far more appropriate and polite.

I didn’t want to change my name. Wanted DCs to have my name as it’s rarer than DH’s. We had a massive barney over this and didn’t speak for a while. It was ridiculous. Then I thought to myself—why am I so attached to my father’s name? If I wanted to make a point I would have taken an old maternal surname, but no matter how far back I went, it would still be a man’s name imposed on a woman. So I gave up and accepted it for what it is. Just a name.
Those cards were sent with love. Try not to tie yourself in knots over a genuine mistake.

It would annoy me too but I do have a bank account in my married name and the rest in my actual name.

Most Christmas cards are still addressed to mr and mrs hisname. I used to think someone had sent us a card for his mum and dad until I realised they were ours

I really thought this thread was going to be about over punctuation in thread titles 😳

I'm on your side OP, its offensive to keep calling someone the wrong name.

There is no justifying 20 years of ignoring someone telling you multiple times that you have their name wrong. It is just wilful sexism and passive aggressiveness.

It's especially weird if they are YOUR family and they managed to learn your DH name (completely unrelated to the family) but cannot remember your family name which you likely share with parents and/or siblings, maybe even grandparents or possibly even themselves (depending on relation and name passage). It means they put effort into being deliberately offensive.

Almost all woman I know (definitely the majority) of my generation or young either kept their name or double-barrelled. Its really not rare now.

Or alternatively the minutae of the OP's life is not at the forefront of the senders' lives?

Exactly this. Which is why I don't bother with cards and why I think they're a waste of time and money and lack meaning most of the time. But back to the main question, I couldn't get worked up over this.

No. There was no making things up to excuse a deliberate snub.

I thought we were talking about the OP being addressed as Mrs Hisfirstname HisSurnsme.

If I misread the opening post and it was Mrs Hermaidenname-HisSurname, then that’s all I did: misread.

Why would you think someone comes here to make something up deliberately to excuse a snub, and think it is all right to accuse them in that way?

As it happens I have been called the equivalent of Smith-Jones, which may not be “correct etiquette” but I took itto be a well-meant. Also American women often used this method to signal their maiden name alongside their married one, but without the hyphen.

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat its not that deep. I did take my husbands surname but I also get cards from my husband’s grandparents which have Mrs his initial as well as last name as is traditional etiquette. It doesn’t bother me.

Sometimes the bride hasn’t decided on her new name at the time of the wedding or changes it for personal use but keeps it the same for professional. It can be confusing - especially as it’s unusual to address someone conversationally using their full name. I have friends who I’ve got their preferred surname wrong as they’ve eventually decided to change some time after marriage. They’ve probably just forgotten, or written it their address book 20years ago and never corrected it, at least they remember your birthday.

Do you have children who have his or a double surname? Could that be adding to the confusion?

It would be different if this was your parent or best friend but this is an older relative.

I get annoyed when people do this too. And the posters telling you to get over yourself or using "ultra mad feminist" are silly 🤣

I'm half Spanish, half Scottish so have a double barrelled name (like everyone in Spain!) and haven't changed it on marriage. So I'm Jane Spanish name-Scottish name. Kids have my Spanish name and husband's Scottish name so DC Spanish name-DH name. And my in laws still can't grasp this, send me cards to Mrs DH name, leave the Spanish part of surname off the DC cards etc, claiming they can't pronounce it or spell it ,🙄. Honestly, I find it totally pathetic/borderline xenophobic when they do this, given that I grew up in Spain and everyone seemed to manage to spell and pronounce the Scottish part of my name just fine!!