Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

I mean presumably she managed to get used to using a washing machine and drier rather than a mangle or and having a shower rather than a tub in front of the fire or a house phone rather than a phone box, or a remote to change the channel rather than getting up to manually change the knob on the tv, and using the indoor toilet at night rather than a pot under the bed [or random other example dependent on her age]

if someone can manage to adapt to changes that benefit them they've got no excuse to not adapt things to make other people feel more comfortable. Besides which it has never been 'correct' to address people by the wrong name. Even if it was the norm to take your husband's name on marriage when she was alive, divorced women still existed, the concept of not having the same name as your entire family wouldn't have been unheard of.

For a while my kids only used the Spanish part only as it's shorter and that really annoyed my father in law!
It just irritates me because I generally get on really well with my husband's family but the name thing seems to remain an issue!

I didn't change my name and my own parents do this!

The cards arrived didn’t they? And the offending envelope is now in the recycling, so assuming the message inside didn’t read “Happy Birthday Inferior Vassal and Bed Slave of Mr His Name , love and best wishes from Auntie Flo”, I think you just suck it up and enjoy the fact that someone who loves you and cares about you has spent money on a card and stamp to help you celebrate your birthday.

My theory is that some women who changed their names on marriage without even giving a second thought to the alternative feel quite defensive now they've realised that other women see this as a patriarchal tradition and opt not to follow it.

Never really thought about it till seeing this thread, some people are so rude and offensive it must have touched a nerve with them and perhaps this is why!

While I don't care really, my family still does this and we get a variety of things on the rare invites and letters or cards we get - hyphenated both surnames, hisname, Mrs when I am a Ms. Some members of family can't even spell his surname correctly, or the abbrieviation of my kids' names. It's mildly irritating, but I forget too, as there are hyphenateds and couples using her surname not his, and professional names and married names all within my immediate family. I used to accidently use my step-mum's surname from her first marriage, because that is how I knew her for years before she married my dad and it's her sons' surname so it is till around! I adore her but my brain is stuck in 1987 I think.

People are usually doing things in haste or worried rather than rude or arrogant. It's rarely meant badly by anyone and the super formal Mr & Mrs Hisname was the proper default until relatively recently (I do balk at that, but I get it). It's often an attempt at formal politeness, rather than causing offence by not doing that or getting it wrong in other ways. It's hard when there were clearly articulated rules to follow and now there are none, or they are very variable and anything goes and everyone does it a bit differently.

They must be 70ish and your name choices probably aren't uppermost in their thoughts. It's probably just how they address all cards and not some attempt to be passive aggressive or undermine you.

I'm not sure it is completely... Like I said, I haven't changed my name on marriage for various reasons but I understand that culturally, a woman taking her husband's name is the norm. But if it comes up in conversation (which isn't that often TBF) I always get met with quite defensive comments about how they just HAD to change their name (for some spurious reason) rather than just saying it was their preference! And I really wasn't judging them for doing so. So anecdotally, I think it does make some people feel a bit judged.

My in-laws left my family name off DC's, addressing him by the Hisname part of the double-barrel only.

Imagine my happy sense of schadenfreude the day DC grew old enough to assert his own preferences and forcefully corrected them.

Then how do you explain women who changed their names on marriage who continue to address women who didn't change their names on marriage by their husband's name even when they have been asked repeatedly to stop doing it?

To me that goes beyond, "I don't agree with your choice so I'm not going to respect it" (which is rude enough). To me that says, "I feel threatened by your choice."

The big deal is that you can't deposit cheques that are made out to a totally different name because apparently the bank is able to tell the difference between the name of a person that doesn't exist and one that does even if your friends and family aren't. And if someone called you husband'strousers instead of dressorskirt I'm sure you would find it annoying since it is not and has NEVER been your name.

My theory is that some women who changed their names on marriage without even giving a second thought to the alternative feel quite defensive now they've realised that other women see this as a patriarchal tradition and opt not to follow it. So they feel slightly judged by women who don't change their names on marriage, and probably don't want it to become the mainstream option because it will make women who do change their names look old fashioned and unfeminist.

This is utter nonsense.

Only if you're sure they live in a house and not a flat. Someone sent me post addressed to just my first name (not long after I got married, possibly because he wasn't sure what my surname was!) and didn't realise that 120 families live at my address!

so pretty much exactly what OP actually said : "It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all." ???
I seem to have missed the part where OP suggested she was going to ring some old ladies up and shout abuse at them for misnaming her? She's just posing the question on a chat forum, no idea why people are taking it so personally.

Yeah it's rude, although ironically probably done with the intention of using the 'correct' etiquette. Except that naming convention only applies if someone has changed their name. If they haven't it was as rude in the 1930s or wherever as it is now.

I bet all the 'get over yourself'-ers would be a bit annoyed/confused if they got a birthday card addressed to Jane when their name was Emily. It doesn't matter if it's surname rather that first name, it's equally wrong and not your name.

I think this is a feminist issue because in a world where you can be arrested for misgendering a man, noone gives a toss about women's feelings/identity.

Such a great point.

And of course, as with the trans issue, unfortunately some of the sexism is coming from inside the house.

My dh's aunty deliberatly puts all our surname's wrong - she is friends with me and dh and facebook so knows what our name is, but cannot bring herself to do it correctly. But it shows her up to be ridiculous, so I never comment, just roll my eyes when no one is looking!!

Your SIL probably thinks you are a thick twat. Just use her name or don’t bother sending a card.

Oh, they do. Otherwise this wouldn't be a point of such contention.

Some women are desperate to misinform other women that their name isn't really their own, but in actuality it belongs to their father, grandfather, first husband, and BTW, if they divorce that name must be handed back to said husband tout suite. It 'belongs' to him, not her.

Women should know where their box is and keep within it. That's certainly the message that comes over loud and clear with most MN variations on this theme.

Lot of bollocks being talked on this thread about “older generation” etc. They are in their 50s and they KNOW OP has not changed her name. They clearly think she SHOULD have, and are calling her a name that she has not ever used. That’s rude.

Your name is at the centre of your identity. It’s the first thing anyone asks to find out who you are. The tradition of women changing it on marriage is a hangover from when she transferred from her father’s ownership to that of her husband. It’s an outward declaration that your own identity matters less than your relationship to a man. OP has every right to reject that bullshit and her family have had twenty years to get used to it.

Is “Coward” your ex husband’s surname, or the one you were born with?

Don't do that, it's really rude.

I'm with you OP. If people care about me then I think knowing my name is a minimal expectation.
I am 54. Am I now 'the older generation', stuck in my ways?
I am quite able to remember and respect how my friends and family like to be called.

I would rather someone didn't bother to send me a card than sent me a card which will end up in the recycling anyway and which comes across like a passive aggressive reminder that they either can't be arsed to remember my actual name or they're deliberately choosing not to because they don't respect my choice.

Please don't do this, it's extremely twattish. It comes across like you're trying to tell her she should have changed her name so you aren't going to respect her decision not to. Just use her name.

My 80+ MIL, who's lived a very "traditional" life, was delighted on my wedding day that I would now been known as Skywalker. It burst her bubble when I told her I would remain a Kinobi. Now, she does many things to piss me off but she always addresses mail using my proper name. Even though it's not how she was brought up.

I think this is a feminist issue because in a world where you can be arrested for misgendering a man, noone gives a toss about women's feelings/identity.