Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

I suspect it’s a lack of thoughtfulness and non ability to listen. Some people are like this, they just don’t listen you and don’t pay proper attention to what you are saying.

I never had this particular problem -I took DH’s surname as it worked better for me but for over 20 years my mum couldn’t remember about my intolerance. So basically the same - not listening. And before anyone asks my mum only has 2 children so not masses of info to remember. It took much less than 20 years for my MIL to remember it.

It's hilarious that you're trying to justify rudeness on the grounds that this is just your "internalised good manners".

It's not good manners.

Good manners is making a teeny tiny bit of effort to get someone's name right.

People in their 70s now would have been in their 20s when the debate over that norm started to be prominent. 40 years ago age was a somewhat reasonable argument but addressing women by their husbands surname by default hasn’t been the “right” thing to do since the 1980s.

This sounds like a ' and never the twain shall meet' sort of thing then where people have completely the opposite idea of what is 'rude' and what is polite and can't see the other POV.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone asked me 'Sorry, can't remember, did you change your name after getting married or not?' I'd see that along exactly the same lines as 'sorry I remember you've moved house but what's your new postcode again?' basically a polite administrative query. I can't see how anyone, ever could possibly consider that rude. Whereas I would find someone addressing a card to me by a surname I had never been called very rude and frankly bizarre, in the same way I would if I got a card addressed to a completely different first name.

But you think the complete opposite!

I’m not married. There is a teaching assistant who calls me Mrs DP’s name, to be honest it doesn’t bother me at all. II is meant with no malice and he is always friendly and kind to our kids.
so I suppose it’s the intention behind it… if they know you’re not married and they are writing your name incorrectly on purpose because they are aghast that you aren’t married!! than that’s one thing.
if they send you a lovely card with kind words in and do care about you and want to mark your birthday (but get your name wrong because they are busy/ worry about offending the other way/ old fashioned) then that’s another thing.

This doesn't make any sense.

It would make way more sense to keep addressing a married woman by her birth name on the grounds that you've had her birthday written down in your little book since she was a little girl but you haven't bothered to write down her married name.

If you're addressing her by her husband's name you've crossed out her birth name in your little book and replaced it with what you believe is her married name. Surely that's more effort?

And as someone who hasn't changed her name I'd far rather receive a text checking which surname I now use than have someone simply assume and get it wrong. To me that text says, "it's important to get your name right".

oh come on you must know that's complete rubbish.
you really think that someone can, off the top of their head, remember X's birthday out of the 366 options, and their full address out of the hundreds of millions of permutations of number/road/town/country/postcode, but NOT remember whether their surname is Jones or Smith?

and it's not a matter of 'being good at writing things down' - either you do remember all that off the top of your head or if you don't, then it's as easy to write 'Amy Smith, 14.6.1989, 24 Flowery Road, Big town, postcode,' as 'Amy Jones, 14.6.1989, 24 Flowery Road, Big town, postcode.'

And the second part of your paragraph is completely mad, obviously you wouldn't be 'offended' by your sister sending stuff to your old address, but equally obviously surely after it had happened once you would (politely!) tell her and make sure she had the new one, for her sake as much as yours? Surely if she has gone to the effort of buying and posting a present to you she WANTS you to receive it, and not some complete random?

I can't work out which of the possible scenarios is weirder, either you haven't corrected her because of your strange idea that it would 'offend' her so she's been sending stuff to the wrong address for years, and you've been, what lying that you received it? Or that you have corrected her but she keeps on sending it to the wrong place multiple times?

So you can remember all these people's birthdays', out of a possible 365 days, but not their surnames, out of a possible two options? I've probably got their birthdays written in a book. But I haven't written down their surname preference.

And you apparently know and care about them enough to send a card but not to spent two seconds sending them a text saying 'Btw - sorry having a dozy moment, are you Emma Jones or Emma Davies?' Goodness, no! That seem so rude! Almost like sending them a blank card and asking them to fill in the gaps.

And I guess if I asked that of the OP, she would be so huffy at the thought I might possibly have thought even for a second that she might buy in to the patriarchy and choose Davies that she wouldn't reply to my text anyway.

While they may be kind to send the cards they are also making the point that they disapprove of your choices. It is intentional and a way of trying to influence you You're making a huge and quite unjustified assumption there.

It sounds brusque and abrupt to use just the first name. Doesn't sound so bad if you're addressing two people - Susan and John. But not just Susan on its own.

But if I put Susan maiden name when she's one of the people who's made a definite choice to use her husband's name (like my DIL has), then she'll be upset, as if I'm denying her marriage. The upset can work the other way.

Since what was drummed into me as a child was using the "married" name, then obviously that's what my gut is telling me will cause less offence.

(Which is why, unless I'm very sure of my ground, in RL I use first names).

Coping with the modern world with my internalised good manners learnt over half a century ago is almost like trying to remember the good and bad manners of a different culture.

I didn't say or suggest it did? I was replying to the poster I quoted who excused the aunts using the wrong name as "two old ladies trying to be polite" and suggesting anyone who had any issue with it was an "ultra mad feminist," by pointing out the irony that said aunts wouldn't appreciate that defence, as I doubt many 50 year olds would like being called an old lady.

Obviously I haven't forgotten what the husband's name is if I'm using it! You say it's less offensive to use the maiden name if you can't remember which she uses. But to the generation brought up in the 60's and before, that isn't the polite option. And yes, I know things have changed - but that's an intellectual knowledge, my gut still says the polite option is the one drummed into me as a growing child

While they may be kind to send the cards they are also making the point that they disapprove of your choices. It is intentional and a way of trying to influence you. A similar thing would be someone consistently buying you lipstick when they know you don't like to wear it, or books when you've told them you don't read. Because they are being generous it sounds petty to complain and they know that. It is disrespectful.

Some people are better at remembering dates, and some people are better at remembering names. Some people are good at writing stuff down and others aren't.

I have one aunt that sends me cards on my brother's birthday, I don't get offended just think it's nice she's thinking of me.
My sister sometimes sends stuff to my old address, I don't get offended just laugh that whoever is living there gets nice presents every now and again.

I’m not even married and some people send post to me as Mrs DP’s surname. It’s mildly annoying but can’t get too worked up about it

I’m 57 - married twice and never changed my name. Age has fuck all to do with it.

well you’re wrong about that.

My husband’s family did this for years until I publicly lost my shit on Facebook when BIL used Mrs Hisname. I knew he knew because DH had to remind them to make sure my place name for their wedding and SIL got a bit snippy. Since FB gate no one has done it. It’s bloody rude and not ok.

Clearly some of us do.

It is very rude if you do it on principle. I do it to someone in my family because she's horrible and it's a small thrill to know it will annoy her. My lively in laws all do it to me because they think it's the correct thing and have no malice so it doesn't worry me at all, I'm just grateful they remember all our special days and make the effort to send cards and presents with real love and care in their hearts.

I'm nearly 60. She was dead before television remotes were the norm. She always had a house phone and used her twin tub until she needed help. Conditioning, especially that which is beaten into you, takes a lot to break. Women were conditioned and saw other women who tried to challenge things, beaten black and blue/sent to homes/asylums. Then you've got Catholicism thrown in. My Mother (born 1928) on the other hand went from growing up in a house with gas lighting, to working on a Computer. They were the generation of change.

again, though. If you can manage to remember someone's birthday and address (both of which have vastly more options) then why is it the surname, which will only be one of two options, that is so hard to recall?

and if you can't remember the address and birthday of everyone you might want to send cards to, but instead rely on this information being written down then surely you can add their surname to wherever it is written. In fact, if they haven't changed their surname it involves even less effort, because you don't need to update their details, and just assume they are the same.

Definitely and maybe photo id

Nobody cares about any of this.

But they are presumably older ladies, aren't they? Based on the fact that they are your aunts and you're 47, so another (older) generation: my point is that they probably do things in a different fashion and are set in their own ways. It's nice that they send you a card for your birthday, though, so I'd focus on that. Happy birthday btw!