To end it now…?

To be honest it just sounds like hard work all round. If it was just his family causing issues, you could cut them off and live your lives but it seems there are a whole host of issues.

Relationships are ultimately supposed to enhance your life, your life should be better for having that person in it, and this doesn’t sound that way.

And 2yrs in, this should still be the ‘honeymoon period’ not constant hard work.

You’re choosing your own hard card with this one. And paying for the pleasure. Own your own terrible choices, prioritize your child, and end it imo.

I think because you've known him a long time you have rushed into the relationship. In 15 months you've moved in together, refurbed a house, tried to ttc and decided to stop... that's way way too much, too fast for a 15 month relationship - no matter how long you've known him, even without all the other shit.

I'd take some time and space and figure out whether it's actually the right relationship for you. You might love him, but are you really ok with making your dd live with an alcoholic? Do you want to live with an alcoholic? And with the family baggage as well? I think you both deserve better tbh

Just for context, why did he and ex split up?

I suspect they didn’t want him to move in with you because a. They know his history better than you. B. It was much much too soon. c. You don’t seem like a good influence on him.

we have just been dealt an incredibly hard card.

To be honest, I don’t think you’ve been dealt a particularly hard card - the relationship just doesn’t work.

You have been dealing with stuff, I’m not denying that and this would put a strain on the relationship but people deal with stuff all of the time.

You cannot have a perfect relationship.
It doesn’t exist.

But you can be in a relationship that is supportive and helps you deal with these things.

Him becoming alcohol dependent and then you joining in with his drinking is one snippet of your relationship and frankly it’s a joke.

I think the ex and SIL have genuine concerns and I think they are right in having these concerns.

I’m glad you stopped TTC and think you’re both mad to have been tried with everything going on.

It’s time to end things and both let go of this drama.

Relationships are meant to be enjoyable and supportive.
If they’re not, then be single.

Given that the OP drank to the extent an ambulance needed to be called, he's not the only problem drinker in these kid's lives. If you have a medical condition that is triggered by excess drinking, a sensible adult would moderate their intake appropriately.

Yes of course you should end it.
What an absolute mess and their are children missed up in this.

I think it's disgraceful that you got drunk with him when you know he is an alcoholic. And then you ended up having to have an ambulance called and the police.

End it now and then sort yourself out because he's not the only one with massive issues.

Sort yourself out. Disgraceful parenting.

Why don’t your SIL approve of you? How did you know each other for 20 years before? Were you the OW?

He's a drinker OP, it's how he deals with his problems. He might be fine now and I'm sure he's been fine at other stages too - but this is how he deals with his problems. Please don't have a child and tie yourself to this man. He needs to move out and you need to concentrate on your child, this is not an environment for her to grow up in, having social services in and out her life.

Honestly OP, you have brought a shit show upon yourself and your daughter with an addict from a horrible family and ex.
Your poor child.
End this relationship with this alcoholic and focus on your daughters recovery.
Of course this shit show has negatively impacted her.

So he has a drink problem and you decide to get drunk with him. I think he is not the only problem.

💯

Relationships are not meant to be this much hard work.

I think you moved in too soon.
If you don't want to finish it I think one of you needs to move out.
And just date.
It seems an awful lot of hassle for a 2 year relationship.

So he has a drink problem and you decide to get drunk with him. I think he is not the only problem.

It seems that despite your long OP a lot of info has been missed out that may be relevant. Why does your DP's family hate you? There must be some reason. Presumably it was one of them who called SS on you. The fact that you've known him for 20 years, but had no idea that he is an alcoholic seems strange.

But all of it is pretty irrelevant actually. You sound like a couple who shouldn't be together. It's a horrendous amount of drama and trauma for the two DC involved. Thank goodness that you didn't fall pregnant in amongst this mess. Please, end it right now. Get him out of your house and out of your DD's life. Your decision making appears to be poor, so a period of reflection and some relationship counselling sounds like it is in order, but that's for the future, once you've ended this disastrous relationship.

Why don’t his family approve of your relationship?

Poor kids

The OP can obviously support herself - she's the breadwinner. As for the bloke, he's a grown man and it's not the OP's problem.

He lied to her about his previous alcoholism, she doesn't owe him anything.

OP - end it, and lift your bar for the future. Your poor DD, having to deal with this level of chaos.

Please don't bring another helpless and vulnerable person into this car crash. You need to focus on creating and maintaining a stable loving environment for your existing children. To be honest I wouldn't be trying to do that with this guy (even if he wasn't an alcoholic), he doesn't sound like calm and steady parent/partner material and has made some spectacularly poor choices. You both have really.

Please put the wellbeing and best interests of the children first.

If DP is an alcoholic, why on earth are you both drinking at home? Why is there alcohol in the house?

Clearly it's a toxic, chaotic relationship and you should never have moved in together in the first place. But now you have, your children's lives will be affected if you split up. What's the plan if you do split - could you both support yourselves and have somewhere safe for your children to live? How have your children adapted to a blended family? Do they get on? I'm guessing with the age gap they're probably not that close, but you risk messing them up more if they have bonded.

I don't personally understand why anyone would stay in a relationship like this. I broke up with my last boyfriend because we had a couple of shouty rows and I hated it. But your focus here needs to be your children, not you.

Well said

The OP is using "we've been through a lot" to describe a lot of poor choices and chaotic behaviour here.