MIL for Xmas

So at least he's not an older guy taking advantage of you. He's a mummy's boy who puts her above you and his child.

This seems to be a deciding point for your relationship. Have a conversation with him about the imbalance of the past - he does everything for his mother and you do everything for your child - and discuss how it needs to change so your new family is the priority, not her.

There are other people who could help his mum, including HERSELF! But there's only the two of you for your helpless newborn.

He may need therapy if he's open to it to assert new boundaries. But if he's not willing to have the conversation about changing the status quo then you don't have much to work with. Good luck.

My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening.

This doesn't sound like it's not about your partner 'not liking Christmas'. He's happy to visit his own family, and having you go with him. He just doesn't want to visit yours. Or spend Christmas with them. Hence inviting his own mum over after shooting down your plans to see your own family on the day, too, with your baby on their first Christmas.

I don't think he's being completely honest with you. He's just being selfish.

So he hates Christmas and has not bothered before. Then changes his mind and makes a song and dance about starting a new family tradition celebrating Christmas. But this new tradition is that YOU will be cooking and hosting not only for him but now also for his mum. And you were not even asked about any of it. He doesn’t think it’s important what you think, how you want to spend Christmas with your baby or even care enough of you to ask you about inviting other people. It’s all about him and his mum.

Do you see how shit this is OP?

How old is he OP?

Early 50s?!! She’s taking the absolute piss. Why can’t she get herself to doctors appointments?

Having said that, due to what she’s been through this year, I think it’s nice to have her at Christmas this year, but your partner hosts and you see your parents at a time that works for you. Next year it’s a siblings turn.

How will she be financially when she divorces FIL?

Oh and if he invites his mum at the end, I also suggest a lie in, brunch and then off to your parents. He can organise their lunch, don’t even entertain the idea of doing it!

You need to learn how to say no. The sooner the better. You don’t have to do things just because people tell you to. Like toenails and hosting for Christmas. It’s not always selfish to say no. Set boundaries. If you would tell MIL or your DH to jump, would they? This is your life and you have a baby now. You are just as important as anyone else.

My MIL is in her early 50’s
My age and I work full-time with two dependants on my own.
So, clearly this is insane.

I would counter his announcement by saying you are glad he is telling you as you also made plans without telling him and invited your parents.
So now you both need to re-arrange.
Maybe lunch just the 3 of you and then visit to both families? Or what does he suggest as a compromise (make it clear that the compromise can’t be to just do what he wants and ignore what you wants)

How does he work every day? Why does MIL need help with things when only in early 50s? Will she either move in with you or you move in with her at some point?

If anything - you’re under reacting! You’re not unreasonable. Nip this in the bud ASAP and tell him you need to set boundaries.

Have a lie-in on the day. Make brunch.
Open up presents with them both present.
Take your dc to your parents in the afternoon
He makes his mum lunch - M+S have lots for two people.
You will regret any other choices.

Your entire problem is

'He expects me to host'

Why?

By seeing her everyday I assume that gets him out if parenting and doing chores in your house?

I am happily married many years, perhaps because we treat each other with coutesy and respect and wouldn't dream of being controlling of each other and when we each see our family.

We also wouldn't invite anyone to the house without checking with each other.

The issue is NOT his wanting his mum to come, the issue is he told her she can't go to her parents because she needs to have Christmas at home AND THEN inviting his mother without the basic courtesy of a conversation with her to see if it works for her.

Yep, I can well see why people end up divorced if such a pattern of controlling behaviour and disrespect is the norm.

Your description of how your DP normally behaves at Christmas made me shudder, even before you said he has invited his mum without asking. Sounds like he always does what the hell he likes and this year is no exception. How old is your MIL? I've a horrible feeling you are going to say early 50s given your age. Just because you have her this year doesn't mean to say you will have to have her every year. I'd be way more concerned about your DP and the fact he only ever appears to do what he wants.