MIL for Xmas

You have an enormous DP problem. Why is he working 365 days a year? Why doesn't he help with DC and the house? Why are you grateful to him for supporting his family whilst you're on mat leave - DC is equally his? Why are his and his mum's needs important and not yours?

Firstly, is he your partner or your husband? Next, do you both own the house that you're living in or does it belong to one of you and not the other?
Both would be factors in my suggestion but I think above all of this, you need to have a discussion about what your relationship is and how one person in it doesn't get to make blanket decisions for both or for all of your family.

I've read all of your posts and this really isn't about Christmas Day at all to be honest. It's about how your partner makes blanket decisions for you or that affect you and it's all about dancing to the tune that his mother is playing.

He needs to get his siblings more involved in looking out for both of their parents. They need to step up and organise doctor's appointments/prescriptions/be more involved in her life so that you (both you and your partner) can be more involved in the life of your child.

Make a decision that NO MORE MONEY is to go to his mother without it being a joint decision. That's money for your child that he is siphoning off to his mother. Not going to happen any more.

He needs to stop running around after his able bodied (and by the sounds of it not elderly) mother who really should learn to be self sufficient so that she is less reliant on others to do things that 1000's of other women without assistance do on a daily basis.

Then you need to:

1. You (collectively) need to decide now what way Christmas Day is going to work for your (you, your partner, your child) for the time being. If that does involve including his mother for Christmas Lunch, then that's fine but she gets to go home afterwards.
2. Suggest to your partner that as he has a brother who is married and they have a large family perhaps for this Christmas, Brother could have Mother for Christmas day and you'll revisit this the following year and take turns on where Mother spends Christmas day.
3. You (collectively) set up whatever you need to, to be able to make decisions like this much easier for each other going forwards. Something like "Oh, I'll have to check with X to see what our plans are and then I'll get back to you" might be enough but if you don't do it now, when things crop up in the future you'll find yourselves in a lot of uncomfortable situations where you'll have to either spread yourselves too thinly or you might end up missing out on things you really want to do/take part in etc.
4. If one of you owns the house and the other is not on the mortgage/deeds, then they do have a slightly larger say in what happens under their roof, so going forwards you would want to balance that out more.
5. If he is a partner and not a husband, then you equally can make a decision to go to your mother's house and let them fend for themselves, I'd recommend taking your child to your mother's house and then return to your place later on on Christmas Day. (This may be an unpopular suggestion but you're not tied to having to spend Christmas Day with him, nor he with you, and I'd think that you might only need to do something this drastic once for the message to sink in).
6. Lastly - you actually don't have to do any visiting on Christmas Day at all - this might be a new thing to you but you can visit people throughout the Christmas time and not just on the one day.

Lots to mull over and I do hope you manage to come to some sort of agreement with your other half on this.

Oh, thank you!

You to learn to be comfortable with upsetting your DP tbh.

You are worried about being ungrateful and unkind. Do you think he worries half as much as you about being ungrateful and unkind towards you?
Like has he ever said
’Gosh, @NavigatingAdulthood has had a hell of a lot on her plate recently. Being a first time mum, doing everything in her own so I can continue with my work/hobbies as I want is a lot. And I know I haven’t been present in the last few months and probably grump, what with my dad’s affair etc… I know Christmas means a lot for her. And I dint want to be unkind towards her seeing the last few months. So I will ….’

No?
Thats because he is taking you for granted and thinks that whatever he does will go (see also he is working 365 days a year so doesn’t spend Christmas morning at home. I mean this year is fine. But next year and the one after? Will you be happy for him to just bugger off when your child will be all excited about Santa and his presents? But somehow youve accepted that too).

I agree with PP.
You need to do something now. You need to accept there will be an argument. Otherwise you’ll end up living a life on his terms, missing out of important things for you. And it will just end up in a divorce a few years down the line.

I'm not a LTB poster usually but if this is your DH's normal and he is oblivious to how messed up his relationship with his DM is you've got to consider your future with him. This is going to affect everything unless, sorry to be blunt, MIL dies.

At the very least keep being selfish and doing what suits you.

my partner told me yesterday he was planning to invite his dad (We had the same convo) but then his Mum mentioned it when she came over and he forgot he invited her first.

That could have been awkward...

@PleaseAskSomeoneWhoGivesAFuck FYI you can change your vote by just clicking the other option, its easy to rectify

I’m older than your MIL, she’s a young woman. Stop doing everything for her.

Any chance you can all go to your parents? The plan for the quiet Christmas just the 3 of you has gone out the window now so he can hardly object

Your DH and MIL sound really enmeshed and dysfunctional. This goes way beyond Christmas day OP. Unless she has disabilities it sounds like MIL likes to pretend to be helpless to avoid living as an adult.

Is this sort of dynamic normal for your culture? Most people here will answer from a white British perspective and I don't know how useful our advice would be for you situation.

But he doesn’t really care about offending you? You don’t have to fall out with him but you also need to explain clearly to him that this is not how he gets to treat you. I mean you would probably have been fine about inviting his mum, but he just needs to talk to you first. And DO NOT fall in to the trap to do everything at Christmas. Assume that you will share it all and act surprised if he questions it.

My dd is the same age as you. I would say the same to her.

So effectively dh has 2 x dw's?

He’s decided what he wants to do for Christmas and that’s spending it at home with his mum.

If you don’t fancy that, you can go to your parents (or anywhere else) with the baby. If you’re still breast feeding there’s no room for a fight over where baby goes.

You have been way way too nice OP. Time to stand up for yourself.

What would happen if you wanted to move away?

You don't have to say no to the MIL coming over, if you want to do that.

You only need to make it clear that under no circumstances will you be doing any of the work involved. Not getting her room ready, nor doing the cooking, nor the shopping.

He invited her, he does the work for it.

That isn't bitchy, it's common sense.

Sometimes, @NavigatingAdulthood , you just have to be a bit of a disruptor to make your point.
You are trying your best to bbe a people-pleaser and avoid conflict. But yoou are doing this to the detriment of you needs and feelings. Be assertive
You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm

Oh dear OP this isn't good. I guessed early 50s because that's my age and you are a similar age to my DD. I work full time and shock horror can use the internet and look after myself. I also host all my family every Christmas including in laws because that works for us, not because my DH has abdicated all responsibility and told me that's what he wanted. If your DP works 365 days a year you've got a massive problem.

Re the worry about causing offence. Don't worry about offending people who don't worry about offending you!

They are all merrily doing whatever they want - why are you the only one worrying about being kind and considerate?

It's okay to put your own desires first sometimes. Your dp is bring a right mummy's boy and it's not doing him any favours in life.

I’d be raging at this, from a man who wouldn’t join inn a Xmas to the point you went to parents yourself, he then goes on and on about doing it yourselves even though he knows you would like to see your parents and then invites his mum over without asking you! Sorry I’d be saying that wasn’t the plan and still go to my parents, this is the start of him calling the shots with no discussion with you, your defo not being unreasonable to be pissed off

You're ignoring the 50% of posters who are telling you loud and clear what the actual problem is.

It's not the MIL.

It's the fact that HE has invited someone so that he gets the praise for it, but expects YOU to do all the work.

That is beyond shocking.

If you can't quite grasp how shocking it is, reverse it - would you ever invite your friend over, expect him to do all the cooking, and then would he be worried about your feelings in telling you no?

No he wouldn't. You are too nice. Too kind. And he exploits that.

He's so used to it now that he exploits it totally subconsciously, it's ingrained in the two of you, that he will do precisely what he wants and you will pedal furiously in the background to make it happen.

Say no.

Ironically - saying no now, you can do it politely, will actually SAVE your relationship long term.

I have just read you are 24 and your DH is 26 - how old is your MIL to be living like this? I have two female friends in their 80’s both great grandmothers use the internet, play golf, host families. One has been through cancer just two years ago and is out there living life to the full.

I'm also now thinking be glad he's only your 'partner' and not your husband so it will be easy to leave the selfish arsehole...

If you don't deal with this now, parenting your mil is going to be your life forever.

I would tell my 'd'p that since he'd invited her without asking, he could uninvite her and stick to the original plan that he wanted! If he was unwilling to do this, I'd be taking my baby to my parents' house, without any discussion either!

Actually, unless your partner radically changes how he is living, I don't see this relationship going the distance. He's effectively behaving like a carer to an able bodied, young, capable woman, who just cba to manage her own life. This is not sustainable if he's to be a good partner to you.

Practically, whose house are you both living in? Could you afford it without him? Do you have the option to move home to your mum and dad and start again?

I'd approach this with serious discussion about how life needs to change and depending on how receptive he is to that, would respond accordingly.

At your age I also had a baby and in-laws who would have moved into my house had I allowed it, who used to turn up uninvited and stay all day, didn't phone first and attempted to take over. They also had an unhappy marriage so were 'escaping' to my house. If you don't get a grip of it now, they will just take over your life. My then dp had to talk to them about phoning and arranging a mutually convenient time for visits, we had to pull back on the expectation that all time off work would be spent with them and that our time was up for grabs. It's hard but unless you have a partner who is willing to support you, the relationship cannot work.

Normally I'd say in these circumstances that mil should be invited over, but I think you have to prioritise sorting out your own relationship tbh.

Get him to go to his DMS for a couple of hours with the baby.
You pick the baby up and go to your parents and have lunch.
Mil then comes for St Stephens Day for lunch.