MIL for Xmas

Just take your baby and go to your mum's on Christmas day. Let him cook Christmas dinner for his mother. No way should you have to do this.

he financially provides a lot for me as my Mat Leave is rubbish.
Why are sounding grateful that he is providing for his (supposedly life) partner and the child* he created with her, whilst her income drops as she raises their joint child? You are meant to be a team - this is what any decent man should see as an absolute MINIMUM contribution- less alone doing his share of childcare, housework and life admin for the household.*

This. It’s actually very worrying to have this attitude. Absolutely batshit crazy.

It’s not about the baby having memories though is it? It’s about OPs memories of baby’s first Christmas. It’s ok for her to be upset that she’s not getting what they agreed.

I completely get it OP. DH and I had a plan for last Christmas - 6MO’s first Christmas (we also had a 3 year old). 3YO first Christmas wasn’t what we wanted due to lockdown, following year we all had Covid, the year after that we were mid house move and I had awful morning sickness. We were determined that year would be a good one. We planned a lovely Christmas and instead we had a relative have an incident which resulted in us having several unexpected guests and all of our plans had to be torpedoed changed.

You do it because it’s your family but I get it. We are still upset as instead of the nice Christmas we planned, it was us being sounded off at about the (admittedly awful) incident and a raft of unwanted people coming to the house as a result. It completely changes the dynamic and we didn’t really get a say in it either so we are still resentful about the situation (not resentful of my relative as it wasn’t what she wanted for Christmas either!). It’s the other way round for me as it was my lovely DH who had this forced on him without being asked but it wasn’t something I was happy about either (think police social services etc where we were told it was us or somewhere awful). He should have spoken to you first.

It’s ok to be selfish about this. Just the 3 of you adults - I guarantee she will get upset about the affair and how her life has changed (understandably) - in a more crowded household this would probably be absorbed by having more people around. I would invite your family too as buffers, or definitely disappear off there and leave him to support his mum.

Think long and hard before changing what you enjoy about Christmas for a husband who doesn't celebrate it.

Your baby deserves to have happy family times.

I would commend your husband for thinking about his lonesome mother this year and embrace her for Christmas.

Invite her to share Christmas with your family with all the usual things you enjoy so much.

Your baby will be a lovely distraction for all three grandparents while your husband is moping in the corner with the dog.

Obviously your partner shouldn’t have changed the plan without discussing it with you, but the glaring red flag here to me is that you don’t know how to raise this with him. You’ve expressed yourself perfectly clearly here; why on earth haven’t you just said this to him? It honestly baffles me that anyone could decide to have a baby with someone that they feel unable to openly discuss Christmas plans with.

he financially provides a lot for me as my Mat Leave is rubbish.

Why are sounding grateful that he is providing for his (supposedly life) partner and the child he created with her, whilst her income drops as she raises their joint child? You are meant to be a team - this is what any decent man should see as an absolute MINIMUM contribution- less alone doing his share of childcare, housework and life admin for the household.

You need to get over the worry about being seen as a 'bitch' for stating your needs and wants in a relationship and as parents. You must tell him in detail what he needs to be doing to be a decent partner and father. That's way bigger than just about the MiL & Christmas day, though that's one example of where he's letting you down and showing he doesn't respect you as an equal.

Also, re MiL. I just about gagged at the toenails thing when you were pregnant. I hope you said no, but am guessing you didn't. Why are you letting her treat you like that? You need to look inside yourself here, about why you feel so subservient to both your partner and MiL - you are very young and need to put a stop to that immediately. You could have 40+ more years of this woman in your life, so you have to put your foot down now, with them both. This is assuming your relationships survives which I rather think it won't as men like him rarely choose to prioritise their partner over a mother like that.

However, am I wrong to try and put myself first for once?

Have you read any of the replies here?

No, you are not.

OP I understand that you don't want to upset DP or his mother but still want to find a way out that doesn't mean you're the one who's upset. YANBU for that. DP doesn't seem to mind dictating what happens and expecting (demanding) that you follow.

You're trying to be understanding now but based on everything you've written about their relationship, not just Christmas, there may well come a time when your patience runs out and you feel it's 'it's her or me' time. I recommend you stand up for yourself this year to set the precedent that you're not going to go along with his 'it's my way or the highway' every time. Make him realise that he has a family beyond his mother.

I wish you luck, I suspect you're going to need it.

why does he work 365 days/ year? THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

Farmers work 365 days a year

We always do everything for her.

And here lies the problem.

You're 24 years old.
How may years are you willing to put up with your DP's mother/MIL having such a big say in your relationship?

Is your DP a DP or your husband?

If the former unless he's going to do the buying/catering I'd tell him you're going to your own DM's for Christmas.

If the latter I'd tell him as a married couple he should have discussed his thoughts with you before making decisions that don't only affect him.

Do this.

How do you approach the situation? Just say No to your DP - firmly! He had no right to impose this on you without consultation, and it represents the thin end of a very big wedge in future. Just put your foot down that you will be starting the new tradition as agreed. If he won't cancel or contact his siblings to try to re-arrange, go off to your parents with the baby and leave him to cook for and entertain his DM. Say you will do this and mean it - not just because of what you want, but because he crossed a line by arranging this without involving you in the decision. I'd put a bet he will change his mind if confronted by this scenario.

Who will be doing parenting/household chores when you go back to work?

She is in her early 50s, you could have this for the next 40 years. My DM is in her 90s and widowed 8 years ago. It is only in the last year that we have had to really step up with helping her, she has been reasonably independent before then with just some help from us.

You need a serious chat with DH to sort out what all your futures and workload look like

Have you read ALL the OP's posts?

Oh dear...

I'd definitely do this. Although probably wouldn't go back!

I agree this is a dh problem.

I'm mid 50s and would be so embarrassed if my adult dcs had to do everything for me. She needs to grow up it's shocking.

Why do you assume there will be a fall out if you ask him to respect your feelings and what you want to do?

I’d consider saying baby and I are going to my parents for Christmas lunch since apparently you were just lying when you said we had to do our own thing this year. We will be heading off at about 11, I may not even get Christmas off next year so I’m quite relieved.

OP I’m sorry to say from what you say it sounds like the relationship your DP has with his mum is fully co-dependant and there is no room left in his life for an adult relationship with you.

You are being unreasonable… 100%

He doesn’t want his mom alone at Christmas and you are trying to find every excuse under the sun to justify your opinion!

He should of asked but he didn’t- so say you could of asked but that is fine

I'd put a stop to her learned helplessness. It turns into a weapon that she can use to great effect (by her) in years to come.

If you can, find out courses that she could attend locally to her that show her how to use the internet for things - shopping, banking, making doctor's appointments, booking hair appointments, that kind of thing and perhaps sign her up for one of them!

Tell her by doing this, by the time your child is of an age where they will be using technology, Grandma (whatever name she wants to be called) will be a dab hand at it and will be able to teach your child about it rather than the other way around and it will be too late by then! Flatter her ego. Sell it to her and she might just surprise you.

Can you not just have MiL over for dinner then either leave her at yours with the tele while you visit your folks, or take her with you? I honestly think Christmas as your 'own little family' when you havd a baby that age is better in theory than reality. It's basically trying to combine cooking a dinner with your usual childcare tasks. At least MiL is another pair of hands.

why does he work 365 days/ year? THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

If he's chosen to have a child with you, he reallly should be working out how both of you can share the parenting. It sounds like he does nothing at all, and wouldn't even know how to deal with things (if you suddenly found yourself ill, for example) due to his self-inflincted lack of experience.

I don't see what he contributes to your life or self-esteem. If all he does is supply money, then you'd be better off single (with him paying chiild maintenance from his high earnings). I know you call her your 'MIL' but are you actually married to this cocklodger?

Based on what you've written here, I have close to zero sympathy for his mother. She sounds like an extremely selfish, needy individual, and to be frank, I can understand why her husband left her. If they'd already 'separated', he's done nothing wrong in starting a new relationship with someone else. It isn't an 'affair'.