MIL for Xmas

You also quoted the entire OP despite being the first responder.

I just read OP's other posts...and replied to her {crosspost!}

Yes...this MIL is deffo lazy!

Oh @NavigatingAdulthood - I do owe you an apology!
I'd only read your first post.

I'd assumed a woman {Your MIL} living on her own, entirely, seeing you maybe every couple of weeks.

I didn't realise she was this dependent - I can see that this could get annoying.

Sounds like your MIL is lazy.

I was initially sympathetic, imagining a woman on her first Christmas alone {which can be tough!} after a break up.

I do know men who are lovely to their mums, but they only see them every couple of weeks.

OP has said that her DP did everything for his mother even before her husband left her. She's early 50s, hasn't worked for over 10 years and can't use the internet. This learned helplessness obviously pre-dated the shock of being left by her husband.

OP has said that she doesn't get up until 2.00 pm and does no housework. When OP was heavily pregnant, she made OP cut her (MIL's) toenails. Some of this behaviour may be the result of being floored emotionally but not all of it is.

I also think you need to have a long hard clear -eyed look at his mother and his relationship with her.

She's only in her 50s and acting like she's in her 80s ... and he's catering to this shit.

It will only get worse.

You're being too nice and this is why he has been able to lie to you and walk all over you with his behaviour.

Who cares what if he thinks you're being a bitch about this. Seriously. His opinion is irrelevant at this point.

Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. Think long and hard if he's actually a positive in your life or if it's all about him and what he wants. I suspect it is.

It’s also important to read OP’s posts before replying.

He was trying to be nice to his Mum! If you have sons it's important to remember that you too will be a MIL one day, treat her now as you wish to be treated in the future.

Remember this is Mumsnet.

It's normal to make an enemy of your Mother in Law, and to detest a son who is decent to his mother, and call him ''enmeshed''.

The only way is to go ''No Contact'' - again, only on Mumsnet do I hear this term.

Yet- people who have baby sons forget that they too will one day be mothers in law.

Therein lies the irony.

I’d take the attitude that I’m going to my parents regardless.
‘Dp why does your mum think baby and I will be here Xmas day?’
’well obviously since you decided you didn’t want your first choice new tradition anymore I’ll be going to my first choice - my parents?’

I'd be bloody fuming if my partner announced he'd invited his (extremely dependent) mother for Christmas Day when you'd already agreed to have a quiet one with your baby but I never understand why people don't air their views there and then!
I'd have had the conversation right then, not stew on it and wonder how I should bring the problem up!
Maybe I'm a bitch but the lack of communication that I read on MN absolutely baffles me.

He should have consulted you but bloody hell! He's trying to support his devastated mother and you're the one that's hurt?

Would you leave your mother all alone at Christmas following a traumatic year?

Would you want your DC to do it to you one day?

It's his mother fgs.

She doesn't need to find an excuse. Her MIL is a needy pain in the arse in her early 50s who cannot do anything for herself.

OP, you are so young.
You have had a baby so young.
His mother is 50?
Which is also her absolute prime.
Yet she is deliberately completely helpless.
Please, please think long and hard about what your future may be with a partner who has such a deeply unhealthy enmeshment with his mother.
There will now be 3 of you in this relationship and you are going to be the odd one out.
Not his mother, as she clearly comes first.
Bullet proof your contraception because I think you are going to find the future very difficult, parenting alone while you work, and he works and runs after his mothers every need.

Keep your family close to you, I have no doubt you are going to need them.

She's been abandoned by her faithless husband, and her first Christmas alone may seem hard for her to bear.

It doesn't mean she's ''Useless''...Just look at the threads on here where women are left by their husbands - They are floored emotionally.

Baby will have a lovely time anyway, and the poor mum has been left, so it will feel very tough on her first Christmas alone.

{Subsequent ones aren't as bad}

Your husband should have asked first, but some adult sons are close to their mums, like it or not.

Extended families are always a bit of a juggle.

It is a DP problem but the fact that her MIL is completely helpless in her 50s is a massive contributory factor.

I'd be saying that as he's changed his mind about starting our own family tradition this year and it's lovely he's invited his mum you'll be spending Christmas with your parents. Given he didn't speak with you before inviting her it shouldn't be an issue that you have taken the independent decision to take you and your baby to your folks for the day.

See your MIL in the evening before she goes home. Don't let it turn into a war it's Christmas, yes it's crap when your plans are upended but he's not going to un invite her so now you make plans that suit you and make you happy. It's your Christmas too.

And how does someone in their 50’s not know how to use a computer and live life independently? She’s not old. You’d have possibly another 40+ years of this 🤮

Op, if in your relationship no one else is respecting you and looking after you, then you have to look after and prioritise yourself. That’s not being selfish, that’s just being fair. He looks after himself and his priorities and doesn’t bother about his family or yours.
As well as now making sure you look after yourself is being a good mum, since I bet you do everything for the baby so it’s in the baby’s best interest that you’re happy and not stressed tired and angrily resentful. Go to your parents and have a lovely Christmas.

I’d be off to my parents. Leave him to it. He can arrange stuff without discussion then so can you. I’d be reconsidering my future as well-I’d this really what you want your life to look like? Enmeshed with a Mama’s boy who always puts you at the bottom of the list?

For clarity, she’s not disabled. She hasn’t worked in 10 years. Can’t use the internet (chooses not to learn) and doesn’t order her own prescriptions, book her own doctors appointments, attend them herself, pay for anything and just hopes that someone will pay for stuff like shopping, tobacco etc. She sleeps in until 2pm every day, she doesn’t do any housework etc

She may not be disabled but she is not normal. This is not normal. I’d actually call this being disabled because she can’t live a normal life in the society. You are making it so much worse by doing everything. So much worse. She is lazy and you are enabling it. Imagine being 50 and not use the internet. This is serious OP. I’d actually move away. This is not a life you want to have, being a fucking unpaid carer 24/7 for a lazy 50-year old.

The help seems very one way in OP's family. It makes sense in families where help is reciprocal but OP's MIL just sounds lazy and completely helpless.

However, I don’t want anyone to be left hurt or upset because I know how I would feel. However, am I wrong to try and put myself first for once?

But in a way you are the one that's hurt and upset and are definitely not wrong in wanting to put yourself first.

You're both still very young...
Coming from someone that's been with their DH since I was 17, now in our 60's you've really got to set your boundaries with his DM...
It was more my family that we did everything for...and it took me years of being put upon before I finally said no more...

I'm not saying that's the way you need to go or he has to stop helping his DM all together but you really do need to sit your DP down and have a conversation about how he needs to start putting you and his DC first.