MIL for Xmas

He should have consulted you first. But you should be pleased to have a husband who is a kind and loving son to his mother who has had a terribly upsetting year. YABU - Christmas is a time for families, extended families not just nuclear families, and your baby won’t know what’s going on and will never remember it anyway.

Well done for speaking up OP.
Having her for Christmas really isn't the issue.
The issue is you not being consulted.
It is basic manners to consult with your partner about these things.
The greater issue going forward will be her completely un-normal helplessness.

Speak to your partner about this.
She is a middle aged woman that needs to be able to care for herself.

Support her with kindness absolutely.

Allowing her to behave like a frail infirm geriatric incapable of her most basic self care? Absolutely not.

Good update.

She really needs some life skills though.

This!

As long as he knows this is the expectation I can understand him wanting to have his Mum there, and not sitting alone.

He should have consulted you first though!

Good update OP.

Reposting it so that more people see it.

PS And hoping that it can be the start of him resetting the relationship with his mother. Not abandoning her but recognising that he has another family besides her.

For the sake of your child, learn to "offend" by setting boundaries. You don't need to get angry or confrontational. Just say what you will do and what you won't do and stick to it rigidly untill the message has sunk in. Nobody can make you do anything you don't want to. The reverse is true as well.

The reason I am saying this is because your child will be dealing with similar situations as they grow up. They will be looking at you on how to deal with this. They will take their cue from the examples you set today.

You are a new mom and there couldn't a better time to set some precedents. People will learn quickly what they can expect of you. They will get angry at first if they don't get their way, but when they learn their anger is as pointless as their requests, they will give up and treat you the way you want.

But you're a good person. There are some people on MN who really aren't.

He definitely should have had the conversation with you before offering. I’d be tempted to take the kids to your parents, honestly.

OP as someone older than this lady I cannot begin to imagine how and why she wants to live like this.
I am older, I have some significant health issues which mean I do need some physical help from my DP.
But I do the lion’s share of admin at home, I WFH when I am able to, and I would hate to be a burden on anyone.
This lady sounds like she needs to have friends of her own age, hobbies, interests and a routine. If she is sleeping until 2pm she is going to decline in health rapidly. To be relying on her son of 26 is not doing either of them any good.
But I have to say props to him for caring for her, as a lot of men ‘gift’ the care of their mothers to their significant others.
At 24, you are already very mature, a mum, with your own career and a loving family. You have spoken up and that’s brilliant - never worry about causing offence.
In families, people tend to just carry on when one person is providing the support. But over time your DH will need more time for his own family especially if there are a few young children in the mix.
What struck me from reading your posts is that you both work hard, you have made a solid commitment to each other, and are both caring and responsible. (I am just remembering myself at 24 - my mum was still doing my washing and ironing for me - I hold my head in shame!)
Maybe create a space just for MIL between Christmas and the New Year and take her out and make a bit of a fuss of her.

Glad you spoke up OP and voiced your opinion. Also glad he agreed and sees your point. Hopefully now he will follow through and not be as thoughtless in future. Fingers crossed for a happy Christmas for you all!

⬆️ This. And next Christmas it’s the turn of your parents. Next year will be so much better with your baby, he’ll be much more aware of what’s going on.

She gets to see her family but he doesn't even get to see his mum?

Could you all go to your parents and then start ‘your’ tradition next year. Not ideal but at least that way you get to see your family.

You’ve set a precedent now. Be prepared for him not to give you any leeway now if you need to spend Christmas with your family in the future for legitimate reasons. This wasn’t a conversation for this year - it should have been for next year. This year you should have accepted that your mil was suffering and allowed it.

Oh, my god
I will flagellate myself immediately

Is your mum coming over OP?
Is it just MIL who isn't welcome in her son's house to see her grandchild, or your mum too?

Oh God! Yes you are right and I do not know why I said that as I was also trying to work out whether MIL was still living in the same house at the moment, as that wasn't clear.

Can't change it now either😧😧

How do you cope with that?

I agree with you 100%. This is the kind of thing my DH would do . It's not consulting. That's annoying .if he'd asked you, and you'd discussed it, that's entirely different. Then it makes you look and feel like the bad guy because you're annoyed about it. Make it clear as to why you're annoyed, so this doesn't happen again!

Death!? He just met another woman!

You are being a doormat in all aspects, it seems. Stop worrying about "offending" people (do you think they care if they offend you?) and stand your ground.

@thepariscrimefiles
Cutting MILS toenails..
That's a hard nope.

Why the hell can't she cut her own toenails?

That's just grim.

If she cannot cut her own nails, she needs a podiatrist to do it.

@NavigatingAdulthood That's seriously not a healthy ask.

That reminds me...I need to clip dog's toenails! 😆

I KNOW my partner has made the issue. Yes, it makes me somewhat selfish. However, I don’t want anyone to be left hurt or upset because I know how I would feel. However, am I wrong to try and put myself first for once?

@NavigatingAdulthood No. You are looking at this the wrong way. Your partner didn't just "make the issue" he IS the issue. And you are not selfish. Quite understandable in the circumstances. He wanted to stay home with you and your child and not be involved with your parents but then invites his Mum over.

A kind thing to not want his Mum being on her own, following the death of your FIL and if that were all, yes, it would probably be selfish - but the situation is much more nuanced than that, so you are not being selfish at all.

You're very young and if you've been together for 6 years, it means you were only 18 when you met. Both of you were still growing up and people change as they grow up into full adults. Gently, You sound completely passive and lacking in self confidence and letting people walk all over you. Nothing wrong with making your point of view. The fact that you are scared to have the conversation with your DP is a very red flag about your relationship.

Your DP is still very much under his Mum's thumb and if his siblings don't want to see their Mother over Christmas, it would appear to me that they have got the measure of your very selfish and self-centered MIL, while your DP and your MIL seem to be in a codependent relationship.

This situation is unlikely to change, unless you are able to stand your ground - and things will only get worse as MIL ages. She could be around another 40 years. Is that what you really want ?