Page 2 | MIL for Xmas

NavigatingAdulthood · 2024-10-12T08:09:01+00:00

This is following on from a previous post of mine where my partners family have found out my FIL was having an affair and the family is now completely split. This year, it’s my 5mo First Christmas (yes he’ll be 7mo and may not remember it well) and it’s the first Christmas in our new house. My partner has never liked Christmas. He often chose to spend lunch time alone with the dog and worked whilst I went to my parents before he came over there in the afternoon to socialise. After spending the afternoon at my parents house, we would then go to his parents house for the evening. Obviously this year is now up in the air due to his parents situations. Prior to the affair, my partner made a big ‘song and dance’ about celebrating Christmas with the two of us, and our son, at our home. He wanted us to have lunch at our own house and then go about visiting people. I feel a bit upset by this as the idea of not keeping up with my families tradition is a big change for me — however, I understand it and agreed to celebrate it as a new family in our home. Yesterday, whilst my MIL was over the house, I found out that my partner had invited her over for Christmas. Without asking or even telling me. His reason being he doesn’t want her to be alone but he also has a Brother who will be home and a Sister who has a big family. For some reason, I feel hurt by the fact he’s invited her over without telling me. I feel like I can’t challenge it, the same way he challenged me when I mentioned about going to my parents. I haven’t spoken about it to him yet but I don’t know how to approach it. My partner has ALWAYS done everything for his Mum but I want his siblings to step up so that I can celebrate my babies first Christmas with the original plan. AIBU to think that? How do I even approach that conversation?

Agnsch79 · 13/10/2024 19:33

zeitweilig · 12/10/2024 12:35

She gets to see her family but he doesn't even get to see his mum?

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Exactly.So many women call their partners mummy boys yet visiting own parents regularly.I hate the hypocrisy.If you don’t want maybe is time for him tonging woman who will respect his mother

Agnsch79 · 13/10/2024 19:29

Omg big deal!!!!!One day you will be MIL so be careful because karma is real.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/10/2024 19:03

It was mean of DH to invite MIL without discussing it first. Of course she can’t be disinvited in the circumstances so you’re stuck with it. There seems to be a lack of trust between you and perhaps this can be a wake up call.

laraitopbanana · 13/10/2024 18:54

PleaseAskSomeoneWhoGivesAFuck · 12/10/2024 09:13

Sorry, i voted yabu by mistake!
You are not.
He should have discussed this with you, particularly as you are trying to start your own family tradition.
I would just take my baby to my parents for the day and let him cook for and entertain his mother.

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That 👌🏼

Yellowgoldsunshine · 13/10/2024 18:30

Your partner sounds like a kind and thoughtful man inviting his mum over for Christmas when she’s been through the trauma of an affair. Could you also invite your parents over so that you can all spend Christmas together?

Rachand23 · 13/10/2024 18:14

Tell your DH you’re glad he’s invited his mum over because you have arranged to spend the day with your parents and this way neither DH and MIL will be alone. If he gives you his shopping list you will be happy to pick up the ingredients for their lunch together. Smile sweetly as you say it, and say it as you mean it.

BooBooDoodle · 13/10/2024 18:10

He should have discussed this with you. When we had our first we decided that it would just be us for Christmas. Everyone can come to us to see kiddo then clear out so we can enjoy the day with our child and relax. When you have your own kids, that is your family and it’s not your responsibility to host and house everyone. If you do, decisions must be made together. I’d be furious because I’m set in my ways and have firm boundaries in place because our families are a pain in the arse on a good day.
mid leave him to it and he and his mum can do their thing. You go to your parents and do your thing there.

AllyArty · 13/10/2024 18:09

You need to get tough with your partner coz if mil is that young then you have a lot of Christmas’ to deal with!
Would you invite your brother and sister in-law over and say we need to sort this out fairly, list out the areas that mil needs/wants help and ask who will do what? See what they say…

Askingforafriendtoday · 13/10/2024 18:08

Well done to you OP, I posted too soon earlier without having rtft, sorry, I don't usuually. I hope you have a lovely Christmas, it sounds just right to me!

Mamasperspective · 13/10/2024 18:04

I would ask him why he didn't communicate this with you and tell him that as he expected you to give up family traditions to have a nuclear family Christmas at home THEN has offered to host his mom, he does all the food shopping, preparation and cooking for his mother as you won't be lifting a finger.

ComingBackHome · 13/10/2024 17:57

NavigatingAdulthood · 12/10/2024 12:24

Okay, so an update! I’ve had the convo with him this morning.

He understood. I can tell he’s a bit hurt but he respects that he’s gone against the initial plan that he made. He said he would speak with his siblings to arrange something for her. Then we agreed we would see her at some point in the day. I explained I was not trying to be horrible and inconsiderate and he understood.

Thank you to those for the support. Postpartum anxiety is driving me insane so I’m glad this gave me the courage to approach it.

I’m really happy you found a solution @NavigatingAdulthood

Your dh has your back.
Your MIL isn’t too inconsiderate.
Youll, together, find a way to make it work fir all of you :)

Original poster

NavigatingAdulthood · 13/10/2024 17:53

Ilovelurchers · 13/10/2024 14:44

OK, well it sounds like you have got it sorted for this year - a compromise everyone is happy with.

Just a thought I had on reading it - it sounds like you and your partner have built up this "baby's first Christmas" idea, with just the three of you having lunch together at home, into quite a big deal..... I can see why you it appeals in theory, but really won't it just be the two of you having a meal together, like you probably do most days, while the baby sleeps on, oblivious?

I just wonder if it would actually be better to spend time with family, while they are still around to enjoy their company, and let them share in seeing the baby in a little sparkly Christmas outfit, take turns holding the baby while everyone eats, etc....

I could be wrong. But I know that, now my dad is nearing his end of life, I would go back and swap every Christmas I spent without him, because I was doing my own thing with a partner, to one spent with him, and as many of the rest of my family that i could.....

Just a thought OP. The small Christmas may be perfect for you - indeed I hope it is.......

I’m sorry to hear you feel you could’ve done things differently for your own family situation. I am also sorry to hear about your father and send wishes to you and your family.

Firstly, I just wanted to have lunch the three of us. I wasn’t planning on excluding anyone out. I just wanted a relaxed morning at home, some lunch (just us three; four with my dog) and then go and see everyone and ‘celebrate’

Secondly, as much as I respect the whole “everyone seeing the baby, getting the chance to take turns holding” - I’m essentially quite controversial with my family. I have quite bad PN Anxiety and I struggle on a day-to-day basis with people holding my child, doing anything that I would do. For example (apologies if this is strange to you) but I won’t let anyone else feed him unless I say so (excluding my partner; I have no boundaries with him). Everyone (both sides) wanted this baby just like us but he’s not something I want being passed around. He’s my baby, I worked hard to get to a space where I could have him physiologically and everyone in both families know I struggle with my MH so don’t push. So, as much as I appreciate the suggestion, it was never about picking sides of picking my family over my MIL. The idea of everyone getting so “involved” especially when I have had to set many boundaries over the last 5+ months, makes me feel uncomfortable. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help that I feel this way or respond this way (subconsciously most of the time).

But this wasn’t a post about excluding her completely and ensuring she was left out - I just wanted to spend Christmas lunch with my new little family (Partner, Son & Doggie) before heading on to see everyone and have family fun.

OP posts:

Atsocta · 13/10/2024 17:49

Yes he should have asked you, but I’d welcome her now, and let it go, and hopefully he will discuss with you another time …

Askingforafriendtoday · 13/10/2024 17:45

NewIdeasToday · 12/10/2024 09:14

It’s a shame he didn’t discuss it with you first. But it sounds like he’s trying to do a thoughtful thing for his mum who’s life has been changed so unexpectedly.

Your baby won’t remember a thing about this Christmas anyway. So I’d make the most of the day with his mum as well and make her feel welcome.

This, but his siblings may yet step up?

Original poster

NavigatingAdulthood · 13/10/2024 17:36

LushLemonTart · 13/10/2024 14:31

But, in case you're interested - multiple family members and even some old friends have been in contact with her and she is now doing her own thing some days.

So within a day this happened?

This is stuff she has told us, I know she went out yesterday. The separation thing occurred a couple of months back so no, it’s not instantaneous, but some people have reached out who will ultimately help her do her own thing.

OP posts:

Ilovelurchers · 13/10/2024 14:44

OK, well it sounds like you have got it sorted for this year - a compromise everyone is happy with.

Just a thought I had on reading it - it sounds like you and your partner have built up this "baby's first Christmas" idea, with just the three of you having lunch together at home, into quite a big deal..... I can see why you it appeals in theory, but really won't it just be the two of you having a meal together, like you probably do most days, while the baby sleeps on, oblivious?

I just wonder if it would actually be better to spend time with family, while they are still around to enjoy their company, and let them share in seeing the baby in a little sparkly Christmas outfit, take turns holding the baby while everyone eats, etc....

I could be wrong. But I know that, now my dad is nearing his end of life, I would go back and swap every Christmas I spent without him, because I was doing my own thing with a partner, to one spent with him, and as many of the rest of my family that i could.....

Just a thought OP. The small Christmas may be perfect for you - indeed I hope it is.......

LushLemonTart · 13/10/2024 14:31

But, in case you're interested - multiple family members and even some old friends have been in contact with her and she is now doing her own thing some days.

So within a day this happened?

caringcarer · 13/10/2024 14:17

Boobygravy · 12/10/2024 09:22

Invite your parents over too.

This. He's basically told you you can't go to celebrate Xmas with your Mum on the premise it will be just the two of you and baby this year then gone behind your back and invited his Mum over for dinner. I'd take baby to your Mum's on Xmas morning then leave DH home to cook Xmas dinner for his Mum and you once you get back from you Mums. I get he didn't want his Mum to be alone but he was out of order saying to you you couldn't go to your family because it was to be just the 2 of you then changing the rules to suit himself so either carry on going to your family Xmas morning or invite your family over too.

Original poster

NavigatingAdulthood · 13/10/2024 13:55

crumblingschools · 13/10/2024 10:03

@NavigatingAdulthood have you said anything about your MIL’s complete dependence on other people and how that is going to work long term, especially when juggling parenthood and you going back to work?

Also when you say ‘I’ went on holiday did you mean both of you as a couple? How did his work and MIL cope?

Whilst I understand your point, it is no good for me to constantly pick at his mothers behaviour, to him or her even. It is not my place to. The conversation consisted of encouraging him to reach out to his siblings to share responsibilties. She has lived that way for so long (enabled by her now ex-husband) and it won't change in one day. I am aware it impacts me, but I also feel that my partner knows my stance on this.

When I said I went on holiday, yes, I went abroad multiple times over the last six years just my partner and I. She had a house full of other kids and her 'husband'

Also, my partner spent around 3 months, alone, in France prior to even meeting me before jetting off to Finland and Poland for work. Also, this thread was simply for an issue I had with Christmas. I don't think there is any need to dwell. But, in case you're interested - multiple family members and even some old friends have been in contact with her and she is now doing her own thing some days.

OP posts:

crumblingschools · 13/10/2024 10:03

@NavigatingAdulthood have you said anything about your MIL’s complete dependence on other people and how that is going to work long term, especially when juggling parenthood and you going back to work?

Also when you say ‘I’ went on holiday did you mean both of you as a couple? How did his work and MIL cope?

VictoriaSpungecake · 13/10/2024 09:05

SerafinasGoose · 12/10/2024 13:24

But these things are always more nuanced than this. For the most part there are no straightforwardly 'good' people and 'bad' people. Some simply may not want to be bothered. Others want a stress-free take on what is undoubtedly the most high-maintenance of all the annual holidays. Christmas for most demands a good deal more effort, labour, and conventional duty-bound obligation than Easter, for eg. Others might dislike being dictated to by others' ideas of tradition and want to sidestep the brouhaha; still others might have very good reasons for making those decisions on the basis of flaws in their immediate relationship or those with families on either side.

'Good' and 'bad' doesn't start to take account of these issues. That is very closed, may I say fairly typical MN thinking.

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It's shorthand - as you know. And we write our posts so quickly - and often on the run. So, I get your point but I wasn't thinking of it quite like that, but I do hate the way that people often seem encouraged to take the route that is less kinder on here, I really do.

For me, it's about kindness. I couldn't imagine leaving out someone who had suffered so much. And kindness, I suppose is about specific acts and not necessarily a pronouncement on the person as a whole. I hope that makes sense. I can't write a nuanced essay on here, and of course we are all complex.

Original poster

NavigatingAdulthood · 13/10/2024 07:50

Apparently she took the news quite well (he told her yesterday about Xmas).

i have been on holiday yeah! Not since the baby or my dog, but that’s due to personal reasons.

OP posts:

crumblingschools · 12/10/2024 14:34

Glad this Christmas is sorted @NavigatingAdulthood But that is the least of your problems. Are you happy for the next 40 years to have your MIL dependent on you? Do you ever manage to go on holiday?

SerafinasGoose · 12/10/2024 13:24

VictoriaSpungecake · 12/10/2024 12:52

But you're a good person. There are some people on MN who really aren't.

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But these things are always more nuanced than this. For the most part there are no straightforwardly 'good' people and 'bad' people. Some simply may not want to be bothered. Others want a stress-free take on what is undoubtedly the most high-maintenance of all the annual holidays. Christmas for most demands a good deal more effort, labour, and conventional duty-bound obligation than Easter, for eg. Others might dislike being dictated to by others' ideas of tradition and want to sidestep the brouhaha; still others might have very good reasons for making those decisions on the basis of flaws in their immediate relationship or those with families on either side.

'Good' and 'bad' doesn't start to take account of these issues. That is very closed, may I say fairly typical MN thinking.

Turnups · 12/10/2024 13:16

Turnups · 12/10/2024 13:10

He should have consulted you first. But you should be pleased to have a husband who is a kind and loving son to his mother who has had a terribly upsetting year. YABU - Christmas is a time for families, extended families not just nuclear families, and your baby won’t know what’s going on and will never remember it anyway.

Sorry, should have read your updates first!