MIL for Xmas

Yanbu.
This is your life if you do not push back.

They were chatting, your DH blurted it out, so what. It's one bloody xmas, hardly a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Crap happens to everybody, usually when they're least expecting it, so a son inviting his mum for xmas dinner is hardly crime of the century even though he didn't ask for your 'permission' first.

very good answer OP 👏

This is the best answer. I can also understand OP's annoyance at not being consulted, but I think it's best to rise above it and make MIL welcome. I sounds like MIL has had a shitty year, the last thing she needs is to be made to feel unwelcome.
Christmas 2025 will be the first Christmas that baby will be able to properly engage in, keep that one for the 'first family Christmas'. MIL's other DC will have to step up and take their turn to host her.

I think you’ve handled this well op.

hope you have a wonderful Christmas the way you want to. Baby may not remember, but you will ☺️

Op, are you and your partner married?
he should have discussed it with you and come up with a plan that works for you both. Tit for tat doesn’t work for everyone in a marriage so be that person and take your baby to your parents or exclude your mother in law if that’s the Christmas spirit you want to teach your child. A young baby won’t remember his first anything. It’s not your call to make demands on his siblings because current plans are inconvenient for you

I’m really glad you’ve got it sorted OP and I’m sorry to hear about your MH challenges.

On a lighter note, my DH hasn’t invited anyone for Christmas at our house without asking me but my mother-in-law has, on 2 occasions 😂

Needless to say, both invited parties did not attend.

"And yes of course he should have discussed it, but he didn't, get over it!! It’s one day 🙄"

This is how people end up in relationships where one partner does whatever the fuck they like, regardless of how it affects anyone else, and the other partner ends up seething with resentment!

It's good that you seem to have sorted Christmas, but your focus now needs to be on reducing mil's complete helplessness. Shes 50, not 80 and it's utter madness that she cannot do even basic things for herself. Your dh could help her with setting up internet banking or at least telephone banking, But there's absolutely no reason why she cannot make her own appointments and go her own shopping. Supporting this level of dependence isn't good for her and it certainly isn't good for anyone else!
You seem resentful that your partners siblings aren't helping - it might be that they simply don't see the need to baby a grown arse woman and aren't willing to indulge this ridiculous behaviour.

Well done for explaining to your DP why you were upset. And it’s heartening to hear that he understood why you were hurt. I agree with you: this is not about your MIL but about mutual respect in a committed relationship. I am sorry to hear about your MIL’s situation. She is very young to be so dependent. I hope she will be able to take some computer literacy classes and gain some confidence to enjoy life more independently. I wonder if she is depressed? She is behaving like someone 30+ years older than herself. She still has many years of life ahead of her hopefully. Does she have any interests or dreams that her family could encourage her to pursue? All the best to you OP :-))

Take your family and mil to your parents house for Xmas.

Agree …
And yes of course he should have discussed it, but he didn't, get over it!! It’s one day 🙄

This is A very difficult situation, OP, but I wouldn’t rush to have a row with your DP about this. Only you know what he’s like. Is he manipulative and sneaky so deliberately invited her after telling you he wanted a Xmas just the three of you? Or is it more likely that he feels sorry for his mum, knows she’s incapable of independence so invited her in the spur of the moment?

If it’s the latter and as she sounds like a difficult woman going through a tough time, why not welcome her into the house. Make Xmas dinner, insist your dp shares the work - shopping cooking clearing up. And then invite your family round for tea and cake so you can all be together for the rest of the day. Or go to your family in the afternoon, taking dp and mil. Will you parents welcome her? That way her presence is diluted by lots of people.

@JoBrandsCleaner its not that OP doesn’t want MIL around, she just didn’t want her for lunch. I hope when OP is in her 50s she isn’t demanding her DC do everything for her as she isn’t capable of doing anything

I am all for helping family but 50 is very young, most people still work so your ML should be able to be independent and should not need so much help from her son.

How will you feel when your baby has grown up
and got married and his wife doesn’t want you around

I didn't mean that you were angry with your MiL, just that you seemed annoyed she was invited, though your DH should have consulted you. You have a very busy Christmas Day planned. Why not invite your family, your MiL etc and spend the day all together, people can bring parts of Christmas dinner (or lunch if you like) and DH can cook whatever meat you are having. Play games, get slightly tipsy, put up whoever wants to stay. Have fun.

Totally off piste, but your mil is my age. How the hell can she not be able to use the internet?! I mean, my Dh made me learn how to do internet banking, I previously left it all to him, but he quite rightly asked what I’d do if he wasn’t there.

I totally understand you wanting to start your own family traditions. I think it’s important that your husband hears how you feel about him effectively going back on your agreement. I really get how hard it is in moments of ‘intensity’ to go back on agreements: like when he told his mum that she’d be welcomed may have been a peak in his focus of emotion for his mum and -only in that moment- he lost sight of his agreement with you. I think /wonder if men sometimes feel particularly sensitive about their parents’ feelings and somehow feel overly responsible for their wellbeing?

I was quite opposite to my husband with my relationship and feelings and attitudes towards my parents. Both his are and mine (were) really independent and have never pressured us to spend time with them. But my husband struggled with not seeing them every Christmas, using them for sitting when we visited and our kids were little. But they were really happy for us to go out. I was frustrated by it as it felt like he didn’t have the capacity to acknowledge my need to spend time alone with him/with our own family as he equated it to them feeling rejected!

I’m probably going to sound harsh to many people but if his family are all adult they could probably do a little more holding compassion for both his parents despite who’s done what, and understand that we never really know what goes on in other peoples’ intimate relationships and if his mum is currently on her own she might do well to try to adjust to that with the support of everyone in her life, rather than being reliant on them for actual company. It’s just one day and (I assume) she has other options.

I may be reading this wrong but I wonder if everyone is feeling sorry for MIL and making offers out of sympathy rather than because they actually want to spend time together? I would just hate to be on the receiving end of an offer/invitation like that. I’m sure you’ll be supportive going forward all the other days, but this time sounds important to you and I hope you can make that work. I think if you asked him just to hear you out - ie not to defend his invitation- just hear what you’d like, and how you see it might be hard for him too, this could be an opportunity for you to become closer.

im happy to say more if you’re interested. Also I appreciate I may have hot this wrong so apologies if I have. Your story resonated with me on many levels and I’ve worked it out a bit late as my kids are now adults and I regretted not being clearer about my need for solidarity in my partnership despite us holding opposing views.

OP hasn't called her DP a mummy's boy. The issue is that MIL is only in her early 50s but is completely helpless and can't do anything for herself. She doesn't work, can't use the internet, can't make her own doctor's appointments, can't do housework and sleeps until 2.00 pm every day. Her DP would find it hard to find someone who would respect a mother like that.

I think to be annoyed that your MiL, so recently having experienced such trauma - has been invited to spend Christmas with her new grandson by your DH is mean-spirited. You have years to make traditions. A good one to start with is to share Christmas with MiL. So, she has other children, but your DH has chosen to step up in what must be a miserable situation for her.

It is one day. Your baby won't remember it, or know what is going on. You don't even need to eat turkey. Just enjoy spending time as a family, eat what you want and include the MIL if she's on her own, that's what families do