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AIBU?

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Original poster

In Law holiday over due date

166 replies

scotscotscotland · 12/10/2024 08:40

I am due my third baby in the next four weeks. We have two children already, one who is non-verbal and has autism. my in-laws are usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting for us and are really good at dealing with the needs of our son and being able to keep him calm as they know him well. Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

However, we found out two weeks ago that my in-laws have booked a 14 day holiday away over my due date. I am furious because they didn’t even consider us when making this decision. By their own words they “didn’t even think of that”.

This has left us with very few options for when I go into labour. We have lovely friends who have offered to come but coordinating who is available on what day and when could be problematic. They also are lovely people but none of them are really used to looking after our kids and especially dealing with the needs of our youngest and understanding his non-verbal communications. My in-laws really are our only “village” and we are feeling very let down.

Their response was that my Mum, who already cares for my sisters kids through the week as well as my elderly father, should travel the 8 hours up here and stay for the two weeks incase I go into labour and they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

To make it even worse, they are both retiring within the next 6 months and therefore could take a holiday at any time, why on earth are they doing it now? We feel so far down their list of priorities and I’m trying to rationalise how this is not just an incredibly selfish and hurtful move from them.

OP posts:
LangYang · 12/10/2024 09:25

YABU

Probably also a good opportunity for you to think about babysitting and childcare more generally for your soon to be three children. Are there any other assumptions about childcare that you’ve made that you haven’t communicated to other people?

Original poster
scotscotscotland · 12/10/2024 09:25

Hi,

Thanks for all the replies just to clarify a few points that are coming up, sorry I should have been clearer in my post.

We had the conversation with them a few times over the course of my pregnancy and they have always maintained “it will be fine because we can be here in 10 minutes” and that they were happy to cover the period I would be in hospital so yes, the conversation had been had more than once and with agreement that we would not need to source an alternative plan. When they told us about the holiday and we pointed out the overlap they said “oh, we didn’t think of that” so that is where our frustration is coming from.

my in-laws do, as I said, the odd bit of babysitting but by this it is an odd afternoon so I can go to an appointment, a very occasional (two in the past year) evening sitting so we can go to a wedding etc. they do not do day to day childcare for us and I, as I’m sure many of you do, pay through the nose for formal childcare so there isn’t a “they are sick of doing all your childcare” aspect. What we have encouraged though, is for them to spend time with us all as a family to build a relationship with our children but no, we do not place “the burden of childcare” on them.

I think the “suck it up” option is the only one we have left and I agree that firming up a plan with friends and showing them how they would care for our son is probably our best option now.

Oh and “why should your husband be with you at the hospital?”. Having nearly died last time, just figured it might be nice to have him nearby. I know, how unreasonable of me.

OP posts:
ItsTheGAGGGGGGGGG · 12/10/2024 09:24

Sounds like you didn’t discuss it with them. Not their problem unfortunately

kiwiane · 12/10/2024 09:23

It sounds like you had it all worked out without discussing it with them; maybe they didn’t think or feel that they wouldn’t be able to cope.
I would leave my husband to look after the children and find a friend to be my birth partner. You shouldn’t be away for long with a third baby.

bloomingbonkerz · 12/10/2024 09:23

Self entitled or what you decided to have a child so it’s yours and your husband’s responsibility to sort childcare for the other 2 maybe a friend could be the birth partner and he could stay home and watch the kids your in laws don’t have to run their lives around you

AgainandagainandagainSS · 12/10/2024 09:22

You have chosen to expand your already high maintenance family and expect them to organize their lives around that choice.
YABVU

Whatsitreallylike · 12/10/2024 09:22

I can imagine life can be really tricky for you and coming to depend on your in laws has been a blessing, so I mean this kindly given your situation, but I think you’ve come to take them for granted. Because your in laws have been available over the years you’ve come to think of it as their responsibility, but that just isn’t the case. They’ve been very kind and generous up to now so you’ve not built a wider village despite obviously good friends and other family. It wouldn’t be fair to make them feel guilty for not being constantly available, especially when your just expecting them to plan around you.

mitogoshigg · 12/10/2024 09:21

Sounds like you assumed rather than asked them. Remember the date may be central to your thoughts, it's not to everyone else. Your husband can stay with the other two if needed, it's very common with subsequent children to struggle for childcare.

SometimesCalmPerson · 12/10/2024 09:21

they are not accepting that this has never been the plan, nor really can be due to her responsibilities.

It seems very hypocritical of you to say this when clearly, you way was never ‘the plan’ either. As long as it only existed in your head it was an idea that never became a plan because you didn’t agree it with the other people involved.

They have no more responsibility to help you than your own parents do and it is very unfair of you to criticise them for having different plans but consider it fine for your own mum not to help, even though the rest of the time, she does far less for you than your in laws.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/10/2024 09:19

@scotscotscotland Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour. did you discuss YOUR plan with them or did you just assume they would oblige??

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 09:18

@scotscotscotland did you ask them about this plan?

Overthebow · 12/10/2024 09:18

Had you asked them? If not then this close to due date they probably assumed you’d made other arrangements.

Suzuki70 · 12/10/2024 09:17

I suspect they have done it fairly last minute to make the point that you hadn't asked them with only 6 weeks to go.

Wugglesworth · 12/10/2024 09:17

I'm confused. They are still working, so even if they weren't away on holiday they still wouldn't be able to come and look after your kids at the drop of a hat?

itwasnevermine · 12/10/2024 09:17

YABU.

Clearly you didn't ask them if they'd look after your children. You just assumed they would. They are their own people and don't owe you childcare.

Maybe don't be so entitled as to assume everyone will be dropping everything to be your childcare?

whatsappdoc · 12/10/2024 09:16

As someone that is 'usually quite good at doing the odd bit of babysitting' I'd have no reason to consider myself indispensable at the birth of my grandchild!

NewNameNoelle · 12/10/2024 09:16

Unless you clearly gave them dates and they agreed to be available, I’m afraid YABU.

They are allowed to live their life. They can’t be expected to remember your exact due date, they’ll have likely been excited about the holiday and booked it without considering.

And honestly OP, with a child who has additional needs and having a 3rd baby, you are going to have to find some other solutions. Your in laws can help but you cant expect them to shoulder most of the extra burden.

Fraaahnces · 12/10/2024 09:16

Wow… There is a lot of entitlement here. You didn’t ASK them. You just assumed. They are entitled to have a life too. They are not obligated to wrap their choices around your birth plan and recovery. They already do a lot for you. I think they have earned their holiday.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 12/10/2024 09:15

It seems a reasonable assumption that since they said they didn't even think of the due date when booking the holiday, that you hadn't asked them prior to the holiday being booked. If you just told them the plan two weeks ago, six weeks before your due date, then that is short notice and you'll need to make other arrangements. They still work so this might be the only time they had a break available to them.

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 12/10/2024 09:14

Our plan was for them to come to look after the children when I go into labour especially as I labour very very quickly and they are only in the next town over.

Had you discussed this with them? Had they agreed?

You're due in four weeks, and you found this out 2 weeks ago - so had you not discussed this plan with them until 6 weeks before the due date?

Cheersmedears123 · 12/10/2024 09:11

Did they agree to it and then book the holiday? If not YABU as you decided to have a third child and will have to figure it out. It’s not really down to anyone else. Can your DH not stay with the children?

jelly79 · 12/10/2024 09:09

Do you not think it's selfish that with less than 4 weeks notice you are expecting them to be available for 2 weeks depending on when you go in to labour and it sounds DS like they have jobs to consider. 100% this should of been discussed properly before now

Needanadultgapyear · 12/10/2024 09:08

Being devils advocate of with 4 weeks to go you hadn't discussed the plan with them they could have thought:

  1. Scots hasn't discussed it with us so they don't need us.
  2. Fed up with being taken for granted without discussion so going to book a holiday to show we are not always available at the drop of a hat.
  3. Hadn't realised it is over that exact time as no discussions had been had so just booked a holiday without thinking.
Honestly if you haven't discussed it is on you for just assuming they would be available.
jelly79 · 12/10/2024 09:07

I think your frustration should lie with you. You can't make a plan for someone else without telling them and then be furious when they can't comply

Silverbook · 12/10/2024 09:07

Had you discussed the plan with them? If not then I don’t think they are being unreasonable at all. You can’t just assume others will pick up the slack with childcare and I say that as a solo parent.