Handhold - unplanned pregnancy

No advice for once, just a handhold. If your DH is that much of an arse he shouldn't be getting to have sex with you.

You are so fearful of your husband- even if you terminate this pregnancy, your marriage is toxic and you are not doing any favours to your current two children by staying in it. Everything you mention indicates a power imbalance in your relationship. What to save there??
Don't be afraid to make right choices for you. Choose you and set a good example for your children. Keep the baby, tell your husband to play nicely and if not - it's goodbye from you with all the consequences for him.

Don't feel stupid, I've also fallen pregnant by accident thinking I couldn't..you just need to tell your husband. He might not react the way you think. Also you can't be made to have a termination, if you don't want one. Hopefully it won't be as awful as you think

It seems that he doesn't want a third, but you don't really want a termination, and I don't see why he should make you go through that when you say you have enough money. What kind of selfish man has unprotected sex with his wife, blames her for getting pregnant and then forces her to have an abortion so that he doesn't have to adjust his lifestyle slightly? He should be ashamed. Lots of people have 'surprise' last babies.

It is done now, so you need to tell your DH. He might be shocked at first but give him time.

We had agreed on 2 but I found out I was pregnant again when DD was about 18 months. I wasn't particularly happy, we wouldn't have chosen to to have a third, but DH rightly pointed out that when he or she arrived we would love it so we accepted fate. Life doesn't always go as planned.

(As it happened I miscarried so that was that. And we took stronger precautions after that.)

There’s basically a set of options here

You have the baby, husband is supportive (either initially or adapts in a reasonable time). You have a happy family that’s bigger than planned. You sort that contraceptive out so #4 is highly unlikely.

You have the baby and the marriage ends. You both have to adapt to being single parents. Or maybe you hang the baby but you resent it and you don’t get happy even if you stay together.

You terminate the baby. You’re happy with this and you have a happy family. You sort that contraceptive so #4 is unlikely.

You terminate the baby but the family doesn’t get happy. Maybe you resent your husband for pushing you to terminate? Maybe you don’t resent him but you regret the decision. Maybe neither but the marriage doesn’t survive anyway. You both have to adapt to being single parents.

You both had sex with full knowledge that that’s what makes babies. This is on both of you (unless there was rape or contraception was tampered with or lied about). Another baby is forever. But so is a termination. No matter what choice you make you will always have been pregnant right now, and this baby will always exist in some sense. What that means for you is incredibly personal. Some people do regret having children. Some people regret terminations. You never get to know what the alternative future is for the choices you don’t make. All you can do is work through what is important for you, and your husband.

Firstly you need to tell your DH.
It takes 2 to tango so it's both your responsibility to talk about it and decide together.
The question is, would you be upset or relieved if you lost it?
This was my thinking when I became pregnant unplanned with my first. He didn't want it but I knew deep down that I did so I kept it.
If you say you always wanted a 3rd, do you think you could make it work with your family? you only regret the children you didn't have IME.

This was me about 9 months ago. Two kids, we agreed we were done and we agreed the best thing was hubby getting snipped. Thought I was borderline infertile due to previous issues conceiving so we slipped up a few times without excessive concern. DH gently encouraged me to think about a termination but I made clear after a few days thinking time that wasn’t an option for me (although I believe a woman’s right to choose is sacrosanct).

So here we are and I’m about to have my third baby.

I was lucky that once I had said to DH that if baby is healthy I would continue with the pregnancy he just said OK and that was the end of the discussion. But I also think being clear in my mind of my decision helped us both as there was a clear way forwards and 40 weeks is a reasonable amount of time to get yourself sorted out for the arrival.

Plenty of children survive and have a happy childhood despite their parents divorcing.

It sounds like you're a bit scared to tell him, but it wasn't your fault! It takes two to have a baby! If he didn't want a vasectomy then it's also on his shoulders.

If your marriage is already rocky, I think you need to make a decision assuming that your marriage won't survive. You're very clear that you wouldn't choose this baby over staying in your marriage if those were the options. But how would you feel if you had the termination and the marriage ended anyway?

Would you regret the termination? Or would you be relieved that you now only have two children to look after once you've split?

Personally I think bringing a child who is unwanted by one parent into an already rocky relationship is a terrible idea. It's almost guaranteed to destroy the relationship, even if your husband wasn't the "livid" type. But I'm not the one who has to live with the long term emotional consequences.

Hi can this be moved to the pregnancy choices section? You'll find a lot of women in same situation that can give advice.

It's concerning that you're so scared to tell him and you know a negative outcome would be toxic behaviour from him. Not sure why you're determined to hang on to him.

You say he'll be livid with you but he has no right to be angry with you at all. He's a grown ass man that surely knows that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy.
If he didn't want a third, he should've been wrapping it or snipping it.

I assume he's aware of how babies are made... so he should have wrapped it up if he didn't want another. This is not just on you. Don't let him force you into a decision you don't want to make.

Firstly, stop blaming yourself! Your husband said he didn't want any more children, so he shouldn't be having unprotected sex!
Unless your husband reacts to this by saying you're both happy to go ahead with this pregnancy, I don't think there's a win anywhere in this. If you have a termination, you could feel resentful in an already rocky marriage and if you keep the baby then your husband might feel resentful and the already rocky marriage will get even more bumpy.
You need to tell him soon though. Good luck

OP i’ve been in the same situation recently so I really feel for you, a few weeks a go I booked an abortion, we were both convinced it was the right thing to do but I couldn’t go through with it, since then me and my husband have talked it over and we’ve decided to keep the baby. Your DH may have a different reaction to what you think, sending you hugs.

It's always the woman's fault.

My dh ( together 18 years) has never asked me about contraception ever.

I've only been pregnant twice. No Accidents or MC thankfully. We have two planned tween/ teens.

This is your husband! You're supposed to be in it together. You've created this situation together. Please go and tell him.

How could this be 'deliberate', unless you claimed to be in the pill? How dare anyone even think that.

Is he abusive?
it’s just you seem quite fearful of telling him. He can’t make you have an abortion.
Thinking in terms of ‘trapping him’ or ‘ tricking him’ is strange? Who would think that? Someone with the views of a misogynist eastenders character, that’s who.
You BOTH had sex and accidents happen. Is he going to be a grown up and support his partner and mother of his children in whatever SHE decides or is he a massive fucking loser who you’d be better off without.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Shit happens, particularly when you have two small children, and have a million and one other things to worry about.

Bless you. Your DH is just as responsible for having unprotected sex. It’s common knowledge that it’s possible to get pregnant when BF (i have 2 nieces who came about that way) so unless you have told him that there’s no way you could get pregnant so no need for contraception then he holds just as much responsibility.

Could you tell him via text? Or write a note? If you’re super worried about his initial reaction it might help. You could plan a morning out for just you and the kids. (Could just be park then food shopping - doesn’t need to be anything elaborate). Write a note then text your DH to tell him he needs to read it. That would give him a few hours to process it before you discuss it.
Something like. ´I was feeling ill this week and realized I should take a pregnancy test. It was positive. Because my periods have only just come back I’m not exactly sure how far along I must be. I think I coule be 8weeks. I need to have a scan to find that out so we can discuss our options properly. We’ll talk about it later when I’m back home. I know this is probably a shock so I wanted to give you a couple of hours to process it before we talk. See you later).

Op tell him today. Factually.
He cannot blame you for an unwanted pregnancy - you can only trick a man if you damage the condom or tell him you are on the pill and you're not - he knows how babies are made.
Then together you can decide what to do. But it has to be a joint decision... don't get a termination thinking I can't risk divorce for my current kids, or there is a chance you resent him and divorce him anyway.

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell him.
If he is any sort of partner, then he’d be supporting you and being kind, even though he wants a termination.

Once you tell him, then you can book for a scan to find out how far along you are and then start the termination process.