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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my toddler to my growth scan? No childcare.

261 replies

alba146 · 11/10/2024 21:07

Hi everyone,

So I have a growth scan next week for baby. Normally my husband will stay with our toddler but he cannot get off work at all. Just one of those things- never happened before! We don't have much family. And the family/friends we do have are away on holiday. But as we all know, you can't take children to scans, I do understand but seems crazy in respect of single parents and people with no childcare etc.

I did try to rearrange, they said I need the scan in the 7 day period of the date and I have to have a consultant appointment on the same day also. the only other time would've been the same story so wouldn't have helped swapping.

So I thought, it's fine I'll just take her with me, she'll be okay I'll bring something to keep her entertained and her buggy. There genuinely isn't anything else I can do.

I asked the woman if this was okay, she just shut it down and said under no circumstances can she come. I explained and she wasn't budging, but then said she was unable to cancel the scan without approval from consultant as it's very necessary 😵‍💫 I do understand but she was so rude and I genuinely don't know what she wanted me to do (make Mary poppins appear spontaneously perhaps?).

So I am still at square one, scan still stands. I think my toddler would be fine (but again nothing I can do really if she is unsettled☹️).

So AIBU to just take her anyway and see how it goes? If they turn me away they turn me away. It really is ridiculous, I understand with older kids and the possibility of scans having upsetting findings etc. but for babies and toddlers I just don't know? Super stressed and it's made me even more nervous to have 2 under 3 ☹️ wish we had a bigger support network than we do ❤️‍🩹

OP posts:
Original poster
alba146 · 11/10/2024 21:30

Jeez wish I hadn't asked. I don't mind if I'm being unreasonable that's what I was asking but some of these replies are mad. I'll just request the thread to be removed. I literally didn't come here for other women to tell me that my husband is shit (he's not, he does everything he can for us- including days of work rearranged) the one time he can't he's scum of the earth.

Not helpful at all. I'll ring the consultant secretary myself tomorrow and explain. If I can bring her- fab. If I can't. It'll have to wait (cue the comments in the worst mum in the world). Literally nothing I can do. Maybe I should knock on doors and ask for childcare 😵‍💫

Thanks for the constructive replies, I appreciate them 😊

OP posts:
Newcarforchristmas · 11/10/2024 21:30

Tulip8 · 11/10/2024 21:25

So you think hospital rules should be broken instead? I'm a childminder, I know all about childcare.

Show quote history

I’m so confused, when did I suggest breaking hospital rules?
I said either DH tried to get a bit of time off, even if that means taking child to the cafe in the hospital during the appointment and OP can meet them after and he can head straight back to work, or they have to rearrange as she can’t get childcare and toddler can’t come!

HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:30

Newcarforchristmas · 11/10/2024 21:27

Well yes?
She’s said DH can’t get the time off, and this is the first time it’s happened and this is second baby, so presumably this is a total one off.
She doesn’t have anyone else she can ask as she doesn’t have a big support network and childcare is really hard to find, especially since Covid when a lot stopped doing childminding/babysitting.
The options at this point are take the child - which we know isn’t possible, or rearrange so another woman can have the appointment and she can have one that she can actually attend?
I really don’t see how this is making it ‘the NHS issue that she can’t sort out childcare’.

Show quote history

Read the OP!! She can’t rearrange!

and yes believe it or not childcare can be found in emergencies especially as she needs ONE hour. 🤦🏻‍♀️

” I did try to rearrange, they said I need the scan in the 7 day period of the date and I have to have a consultant appointment on the same day also. the only other time would've been the same story so wouldn't have helped swapping.“

Pandasnacks · 11/10/2024 21:29

alba146 · 11/10/2024 21:23

Wow, thanks for the replies. I understand it's a shit situation but I feel bad enough about it all. Some of the comments seem a bit mean. I'm sure I'm not the first woman and I definitely won't be the last to have a problem like this surely?

DH is brilliant but is literally out of our control. He'll be working away that week. He's our main breadwinner and his work have categorically said he can't get out of the trip. What am I supposed to do? Let him lose his job?

I understand everyone's saying pay for childcare. And I would if I could find any😢 She attends nursery 2 days a week, already asked to put her in extra or swap days, they couldn't help. Always try to arrange apps on these days or when my husband's home. This is the first time we've run into this problem.

I literally wouldn't know where to find a babysitter? There only seems to be childminders or nurseries (both of which obviously wouldn't take her for an isolated event?). I didn't even think babysitters were a thing anymore! Do I just leave her with a passer by off the street?🤷🏽‍♀️

It's really difficult and I do understand, I don't want to take her!! But it literally is healthcare it's crazy, I would take her to anything else health related...

Websites like childcare.com can help with finding babysitters OP, there's probably more out there than you think. I had this problem 7 years ago in a very complex pregnancy, I managed to get a sympathetic person who said I could bring my DS and it didn't cause any issues at all, plus there was a risk to my babies life if I didn't attend those scans (she was 3 months premature in the end). But if your hospital won't allow it you'll have to phone them back and say rescheduling is your only option and make them ask the consultant, it could be that the consultant can slot you in at the end of a clinic or something or fit you in in a cancellation that works better.

sprigatito · 11/10/2024 21:29

Would you really leave your child with a stranger you found on a "babysitting app"? I bloody wouldn't. OP if your DH is away and the hospital insists on being this ridiculous you'll just have to reschedule the scan. Which is insane, and you have my sympathy Flowers

ahemfem · 11/10/2024 21:27

alba146 · 11/10/2024 21:23

Wow, thanks for the replies. I understand it's a shit situation but I feel bad enough about it all. Some of the comments seem a bit mean. I'm sure I'm not the first woman and I definitely won't be the last to have a problem like this surely?

DH is brilliant but is literally out of our control. He'll be working away that week. He's our main breadwinner and his work have categorically said he can't get out of the trip. What am I supposed to do? Let him lose his job?

I understand everyone's saying pay for childcare. And I would if I could find any😢 She attends nursery 2 days a week, already asked to put her in extra or swap days, they couldn't help. Always try to arrange apps on these days or when my husband's home. This is the first time we've run into this problem.

I literally wouldn't know where to find a babysitter? There only seems to be childminders or nurseries (both of which obviously wouldn't take her for an isolated event?). I didn't even think babysitters were a thing anymore! Do I just leave her with a passer by off the street?🤷🏽‍♀️

It's really difficult and I do understand, I don't want to take her!! But it literally is healthcare it's crazy, I would take her to anything else health related...

Do you have a neighbour?

Newcarforchristmas · 11/10/2024 21:27

HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:22

You are saying they should rearrange unless she can take toddler. How ridiculous- it’s the NHS problem she can’t sort out childcare? How about booking a private scan then?

Show quote history

Well yes?
She’s said DH can’t get the time off, and this is the first time it’s happened and this is second baby, so presumably this is a total one off.
She doesn’t have anyone else she can ask as she doesn’t have a big support network and childcare is really hard to find, especially since Covid when a lot stopped doing childminding/babysitting.
The options at this point are take the child - which we know isn’t possible, or rearrange so another woman can have the appointment and she can have one that she can actually attend?
I really don’t see how this is making it ‘the NHS issue that she can’t sort out childcare’.

HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:27

alba146 · 11/10/2024 21:23

Wow, thanks for the replies. I understand it's a shit situation but I feel bad enough about it all. Some of the comments seem a bit mean. I'm sure I'm not the first woman and I definitely won't be the last to have a problem like this surely?

DH is brilliant but is literally out of our control. He'll be working away that week. He's our main breadwinner and his work have categorically said he can't get out of the trip. What am I supposed to do? Let him lose his job?

I understand everyone's saying pay for childcare. And I would if I could find any😢 She attends nursery 2 days a week, already asked to put her in extra or swap days, they couldn't help. Always try to arrange apps on these days or when my husband's home. This is the first time we've run into this problem.

I literally wouldn't know where to find a babysitter? There only seems to be childminders or nurseries (both of which obviously wouldn't take her for an isolated event?). I didn't even think babysitters were a thing anymore! Do I just leave her with a passer by off the street?🤷🏽‍♀️

It's really difficult and I do understand, I don't want to take her!! But it literally is healthcare it's crazy, I would take her to anything else health related...

Babysitters are not a thing anymore? What do you even mean?
there are whole apps full of babysitters!

what do people do when they need a few hours childcare or go for dinner that don’t have family around? Ah yes I leave my kids on the street

Jooliuy · 11/10/2024 21:26

I'd ring back then and say they'll have to speak to the consultant to cancel and rebook you as you can't get childcare.

Tulip8 · 11/10/2024 21:25

Newcarforchristmas · 11/10/2024 21:17

I hate when people say you’ll have to pay for childcare.. pay who? Even if they’re in childcare you often can’t just add a random day due to ratios. Babysitters aren’t exactly sat around, especially in the day, and frankly I don’t see any world where I would give my child to someone I barely know that doesn’t work in a registered setting and pay for the privilege?
Where I live we have a massive childcare shortage, many people I know are struggling to go back to work as there are just no spaces anywhere. It’s honestly almost impossible to find someone qualified and trustworthy!
Can your husband take just an hour or two off to allow for appointment, even take toddler to the cafe in the hospital to minimise time out of work? If not they’re going to have to let you rearrange if you can’t take your toddler, they can’t exactly say no to both!

So you think hospital rules should be broken instead? I'm a childminder, I know all about childcare.

Pandasnacks · 11/10/2024 21:25

@HaveYouSeenRain it's just stupid to say OP shouldn't be able to have a very necessary NHS scan because she can't get childcare on this one occasion. It is a medical requirement for her and her unborn baby. The private scan won't have her consultant there will it. Of course if she can't get childcare they will have to rearrange at some point.

JADS · 11/10/2024 21:24

Have things changed a lot in the last 10 years? I took DS1 (then 3) to both my 12 and 20 week scans. He has learning difficulties and I had no one to leave him with. The 12 week was a booking on appointment too so it looks ages.

Original poster
alba146 · 11/10/2024 21:23

Wow, thanks for the replies. I understand it's a shit situation but I feel bad enough about it all. Some of the comments seem a bit mean. I'm sure I'm not the first woman and I definitely won't be the last to have a problem like this surely?

DH is brilliant but is literally out of our control. He'll be working away that week. He's our main breadwinner and his work have categorically said he can't get out of the trip. What am I supposed to do? Let him lose his job?

I understand everyone's saying pay for childcare. And I would if I could find any😢 She attends nursery 2 days a week, already asked to put her in extra or swap days, they couldn't help. Always try to arrange apps on these days or when my husband's home. This is the first time we've run into this problem.

I literally wouldn't know where to find a babysitter? There only seems to be childminders or nurseries (both of which obviously wouldn't take her for an isolated event?). I didn't even think babysitters were a thing anymore! Do I just leave her with a passer by off the street?🤷🏽‍♀️

It's really difficult and I do understand, I don't want to take her!! But it literally is healthcare it's crazy, I would take her to anything else health related...

OP posts:
HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:22

HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:19

Ok then her DH needs to take time off! I have zero family and sometimes you have to make arrangements, book a babysitter or whatever it takes. she doesn’t need a childcare space, literally a trusted neighbour or experienced student is fine. We are talking an hour here!

Taking a toddler to a hospital appointment is not the solution here!

Edited
Show quote history

You are saying they should rearrange unless she can take toddler. How ridiculous- it’s the NHS problem she can’t sort out childcare? How about booking a private scan then?

HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:21

user2848502016 · 11/10/2024 21:13

Your husband will just have to be off work, you've tried to move the scan and can't, failing to see how his work can be more important than his child

Already he can’t take time off for a scan, what are you going to do when one or both of your kids is sick. When you have kids, work doesn’t always come first!

Newcarforchristmas · 11/10/2024 21:20

HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:19

Ok then her DH needs to take time off! I have zero family and sometimes you have to make arrangements, book a babysitter or whatever it takes. she doesn’t need a childcare space, literally a trusted neighbour or experienced student is fine. We are talking an hour here!

Taking a toddler to a hospital appointment is not the solution here!

Edited
Show quote history

That’s literally what I said at the end of my reply? At no point did I say to take the toddler?

HaveYouSeenRain · 11/10/2024 21:19

Newcarforchristmas · 11/10/2024 21:17

I hate when people say you’ll have to pay for childcare.. pay who? Even if they’re in childcare you often can’t just add a random day due to ratios. Babysitters aren’t exactly sat around, especially in the day, and frankly I don’t see any world where I would give my child to someone I barely know that doesn’t work in a registered setting and pay for the privilege?
Where I live we have a massive childcare shortage, many people I know are struggling to go back to work as there are just no spaces anywhere. It’s honestly almost impossible to find someone qualified and trustworthy!
Can your husband take just an hour or two off to allow for appointment, even take toddler to the cafe in the hospital to minimise time out of work? If not they’re going to have to let you rearrange if you can’t take your toddler, they can’t exactly say no to both!

Ok then her DH needs to take time off! I have zero family and sometimes you have to make arrangements, book a babysitter or whatever it takes. she doesn’t need a childcare space, literally a trusted neighbour or experienced student is fine. We are talking an hour here!

Taking a toddler to a hospital appointment is not the solution here!

ahemfem · 11/10/2024 21:19

Have you got a neighbour who could watch the little one in a nearby cafe?

Newcarforchristmas · 11/10/2024 21:17

I hate when people say you’ll have to pay for childcare.. pay who? Even if they’re in childcare you often can’t just add a random day due to ratios. Babysitters aren’t exactly sat around, especially in the day, and frankly I don’t see any world where I would give my child to someone I barely know that doesn’t work in a registered setting and pay for the privilege?
Where I live we have a massive childcare shortage, many people I know are struggling to go back to work as there are just no spaces anywhere. It’s honestly almost impossible to find someone qualified and trustworthy!
Can your husband take just an hour or two off to allow for appointment, even take toddler to the cafe in the hospital to minimise time out of work? If not they’re going to have to let you rearrange if you can’t take your toddler, they can’t exactly say no to both!

ahemfem · 11/10/2024 21:17

Sweepsthepillowclean · 11/10/2024 21:15

What part of no do you not understand?

This basically. You even queried the policy and they made it very very clear. If you take your child now they could refuse to see you. How is that fair on your unborn child? Sort it out.

BeardieWeirdie · 11/10/2024 21:16

You can’t take a toddler. The people measuring your baby can’t do their job with a toddler around; you might hear the worst; other women being told they have lost their much wanted baby deserve to not have a toddler around. Surely you have some mum friends who could watch your toddler for an hour, either at their house or could come to the hospital with you? A retired neighbour? I get it, I’ve no family living anywhere nearby but I’ve also heard the worst at an ultrasound and that experience is not helped by those thinking it’s a nice jolly day out for all the family.

ahemfem · 11/10/2024 21:16

You even asked and they said no. You would be ridiculous to bring her.

IfIHadAHeart · 11/10/2024 21:16

Why can your H not have time off?

Sweepsthepillowclean · 11/10/2024 21:15

What part of no do you not understand?

MumChp · 11/10/2024 21:14

Jooliuy · 11/10/2024 21:12

As much as other people can get on their high horse about it, I'd just take her.
Getting paid childcare isn't as simple as all that, leaving her with a stranger could be very distressing.
What else can you do?

You can be turned down doing that. A lot of trusts don't allow children to join with no exceptions. And OP was told not to bring in a todler so it would be fair.

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