To be annoyed by hearing my DH saycomplishment today is making you laugh - to his work colleague

I mean for some people it’s in their partner’s (or their own) nature to speak like this. I might probably say it to a group of colleagues at work. But it sounds like it’s out of character for your husband and you’ve noticed other things too, so don’t doubt yourself. It will send you mad!

It sounds flirty, and in a cringey sort of way.

I would probably just come out and ask if he fancies her. I sometimes think it’s best to be blunt and see what someone’s reaction is. His reaction will probably give you your answer. You can say you’ve heard him speaking on the phone in a flirty manner, it’s making you’re uncomfortable and you’d liked to know if he fancies her. Likely he’ll be embarrassed and tone down his behaviour. You are not wrong to find this uncomfortable and inappropriate. I don’t think he’d ever talk to a male coworker like this.

Isn’t he allowed to flirt a bit? To lift an otherwise grey and corporate existence working for someone else in a job you don’t particularly enjoy?

No, it's odd and sounds flirty. I'd be annoyed.

Trust your gut OP, after 20 years you know this is different. Tell him you're really glad he's got some support at work now but you're worried it's getting too close. Ask him if he'd talk the way he talks to her to a male colleague. Stay calm and reasonable and see what his response is.

You're concerned your husband has feelings for this woman. I would be too.

He would NOT have said that to b a male colleague (unless he is gay and sniffing around 😁)

Two things jump out about this which OP your spider senses have rightfully started flashing red.

1. He is an introvert and isn't like this with other colleagues. Definitely not with Helen from HR or John from Finance.
2. He is usually grumpy but seems to have his mood lifted when talking to her. I'll call her Jenny from Corporate.

Context is everything. It's useless PP saying they would talk to colleagues like this or that OP is paranoid. The DH isn't saying these things to Helen or John but solely to Jenny.

Depends on what he is normally like I think? Is he like this with other people or just her? It would ring alarms bells for me if my dh said this because he is quite detached with work colleagues. He will have a laugh and a joke but never says anything personal and is all business. So that combined with the mentionitus would definitely concern me.

There’s a world of difference between ‘I’m glad I could cheer you up’ and ‘I’ve achieved something today – I’ve put a smile on your face’. One is friendly and the other is intimate.

It astounds me that anyone would doubt when a woman knows her husband is speaking with intimacy and flirtatiousness. You know your husband. You know his tones and the expression on his face and all his mannerism, because you have known him intimately for years. That has nothing to do the old ‘men and women can be friends’ trope. OP has all the context here.

He's got mentionitis. That's always a bad sign.

I mean unless there's something sinister going on that's pretty common surely? I think I'd often phrase stuff similarly (though I have quite an informal vibe with my team - nothing outrageous though).

I personally think he just sounds like a nice guy but what other things has he said?

Oh come on. That's not what folks are saying. They're saying that if this is out of character and is setting of OP's Spidey senses then she should look into it.

OP has said he is introverted and only like this with the one female colleague.

YANBU. This is an emotional affair/ the start of one.

I would listen to your gut on this one OP and nip it in the bud. Feels a little too familiar.

A lot that should have said!

If he's normally like this with everyone - a verbally 'touchy feely' extrovert - then that would be fine.

He could just be being supportive. But it sounds a little like he's flirting - and mentioning her a little is not a good sign.

Should the word 'accomplishment' be somewhere in your title? It makes no sense. Nor does the actual post.

It's an "emotional affair" now?! Ah ffs! 😂

This.

Don't listen to the "cool" wives on here.

Trust your instincts

@Yuai, your H is absolutely flirting with this OW and is letting her know how important she is to him.

This is atypical behavior for him. It sounds like he’s infatuated and is too emotionally invested in her. She is in his head and that leaks out via mentionitis. They’ve built a high level of contact, closeness and reliance. He is always concerned for her, so their KISA/Damsel dynamic provides mutual validation, as does her knack for cheering him up. Chatting with her energizes him.

I suggest your reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She explains how marriages/relationships are threatened and damaged when one partner opens a window to a third party and blurs boundaries by channeling more and more emotional resources into her/him. Many emotional and physical affairs begin this way.

In your H’s case, their frequent contact, confiding, laughter, in-jokes, commonalities, etc. are deepening their intimacy and strengthening their connection. Meanwhile, he is creating distance between you with his moodiness.

You made my day and I know you feel the same.

@Yuai, I wouldn’t tolerate this. He’s playing with fire and it’s happening right in front of you. In my view, this is already an emotional affair. A very serious conversation is in order, and he needs to read Not Just Friends.

If he’s in too deep, he may push back to protect their relationship using manipulations such as dismissing your discomfort, defensiveness, denial, minimizing, or blame shifting. Don’t allow any of that. Tell him that he has everything to lose if he doesn’t tighten his boundaries and distance himself from OW. If he cherishes your marriage and values your well-being and peace of mind, he will do that.