To be annoyed by hearing my DH saycomplishment today is making you laugh - to his work colleague

Just watch but don't argue with him justbe aware which you already are.

I think sometimes you just sense something feels different and others will tell you you are unreasonable or overreacting but it's just something that feels off.

The obtuse comments on this thread! Unbelievable.

When your husband's self-stated achievement is to put a smile on another woman's face, it's saying that what she thinks and how she feels matters to him more than it should.

ETA the litmus test is - he would never say it to a male colleague ....

You made my day and I know you feel the same.

I keep coming back to that declaration, @Yuai. There is real intimacy there.

How often does he see her in person?

As you say, he only reaches out and speaks affectionately to this one person. The feelings engendered by their dynamic bring him joy and put a spring in his step. He is very plugged into her issues and feelings, and is invested in bringing her comfort. All of this will be hugely flattering. They are in a validation bubble of caring, confiding, frisson and playfulness that is inappropriate for a married man.

It doesn’t sound like there is physical involvement at this point, but their exchange of emotional energy has escalated. This is the danger zone that Shirley Glass researched and wrote about — an innocent friendship crossing over into an inappropriate emotional relationship (or more) when boundaries are allowed to weaken, and focus and intimacy are shifted to the new person.

@Yuai, his line crossing and your valid, reasonable discomfort need to be addressed with him asap. Your marriage is in danger.

This is how people ‘fall into’ affairs. ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen…’.

Well yes it's because men are socialised to be more gentle with women than with men. Have you heard the way some men talk to each other? "You fat bastard" can be a term of endearment between two mates but they'd never dream of speaking to a woman like that.
Many men feel they have to be tough and jokey with each other, but can show a softer side with women.
I strongly dispute that this is sexual though. Here in Yorkshire a man will call a 90 year old woman "love", a small child whatever. Just a gentler way of conversing.
So yes, I'm sure some men would feel really happy if they made a male colleague smile, but they would never, ever say it! Because men aren't socialised to speak to each other like that. Everyone would take the piss.

I told my male colleague this week that I loved him and that seeing him in the rota made my day.

We're both in very happy and loving relationships and it meant nothing more than friendship. So 🤷‍♀️

Does anyone else feel like there’s a difference between women saying this stuff and calling people love, sweetheart, darling, and men saying this stuff?

Men only talk like this to women. Women (some women I suppose) talk like this to everyone, there’s no discernment between men and women.

This makes a difference to me.

The thing is, we're all human. We all (or nearly all) occasionally feel attracted to other people. Since I've been married I've fancied a few people and I'm sure DH has too (although he'd never tell me) and I think that's fine. I'd never do anything about it. I remember DH briefly had mentionitis about a colleague but I truly believe he wouldn't cheat on me.
Maybe your DH is a little bit attracted to her but I don't see that as the end of the world. As long as he would never dream about taking it further, it's fine.
Or maybe it's all purely platonic, matey behaviour.

What was said in your previous posts could've been explained in a million different ways.

This, however, sounds rather dubious to me. If anything this is where I would've suspected emotional connection. This coined with the following actions means a conversation needs to be had.

I think the tricky thing here is OP, there is nothing you can do to stop this escalating if its going to. You can put road blocks up to make it harder, but given the majority of contact between them is outside of your orbit, you can't stop it. You also can't stop his feelings. If he's made happy by this woman, that's outside of your control.

However, HE can stop this. And if this is early enough in the trajectory that your marriage is still more important to him than what he gets from the woman, he may be prepared to excercise some self control and create distance with her to prevent the escalation. He may be prepared to look to alternative ways to be happy than her company. He may decide to try to create with you what he has with her. In your shoes I'd be having a conversation where I pointed out the risks to your marriage, how these things can take on a life of their own. If he's a decent man who loves you, there is hope that he'll heed the warning.

One part of this problem is that people believe they need to act on those feelings. I've had some really lovely colleagues for whom I've definitely felt an over and above warm squishy feeling and attraction. That's nice, but I wouldn't in a million years consider actually acting on mutual attraction and 'taking things further' (yukky phrase). Collegial attraction is inevitable ‐we see some of the very best of other people at work, after all, but that's all. It should influence one's decision making or cloud judgement.

Missing the point, but really liking the idea of a "saycomplishment"; a bit like something is an accomplishment because you say it is, like talking up crossing something off the to-do list. Good one.

OP does, that’s all that matters because she knows her husband best. Invalidating her discomfort is not it.

You literally admitted above that his behaviour is concerning.

He’s always down but very happy when talking to her.

Hmm. I honestly don't see anything unusual in your OP - "I've had a shit day but at least I made you laugh" is pretty normal, as is having a close and happily supportive relationship with one or more of your colleagues.

But ... “You made my day" - normal. "I know you feel the same” - not so normal. Emotional telepathy has not been part of any of my (very close) working relationships. It's not the same as saying something like "I could see you enjoyed that", it's kind of intrusive.

The mentionitis is also a worry - and a bigger worry when it suddenly stops 😬

The most concerning thing is that you say he's only happy when talking to her! Is he not happy talking to you? That must be incredibly painful and, if true, indicates there is indeed something wrong with your marriage.

It sounds like normal workplace banter. 🤷‍♀️

Your H needs to back off OP. He may fancy the colleague but he's potentially on slippery ground. Has he had formal sexual harassment training? What he said isn't off per se, it's how he said it and in what context. And, of course, how the colleague responded.

Maybe you see those as two different things but others don't

I'd be suspicious OP, do hope this is completely unfounded. If you do a boring or difficult job, some people will regard any good thing as some sort of a victory though.

MN isn't a person. It's thousands of individuals, many of whom have the wisdom and life experience to know that the biggest threat to fidelity in a marriage to a decent person (who is not a deliberate serial cheat) is this sort of relationship. People who wouldn't dream of looking for an affair meet a new exciting colleague who they get on well with and spend a lot of time with, get progressively closer to them and develop feelings. Obviously not in every case, but often enough for it to be recognised as a risk and a warning flag in a marriage. All the anecdotes about other peoples platonic friendships and all the sneering at people for paranoia/control doesn't make this any less true.