To delete my alcoholic mums shopping delivery?

@Ambienteamber put it more clearly than I did, theirs was a lovely post

This stood out to me:

I know she is feeling really down and low and I don't know how to make her feel better. I feel very responsible for her and I'm not sure why. I think it is because even though I know she should never have said I ruined her life, really I know she isn't wrong her life would have been much better without me. So I feel like I owe her

and in particular I don't know how to make her feel better.

OP IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. Which is just as well as there is absolutely no way you can.

You might as well try to stop it raining. It is utterly beyond your power, and utterly beyond your responsibility. The only person you can help here is you. If you are not in touch with support such as that from Al-anon, this is what you should be seeking. For you, your husband, your children (if you have them). But primarily for you. Fretting about whether to cancel an online order when you know fine well it won't stop your mother drinking - how have you got into this cul-de-sac? It was taking you nowhere, and you were burning so much mental fuel trying to find a way forward though it. There wasn't one, there isn't one.

OP the only person you can help here is you. Please, look after yourself. You have done it once, and 1,000,000 congratulations for that achievement. Please once again, help the one person in this scenario you can help.

We have an alcoholic family member who is now in her 80's but still very fit.
When she seriously started drinking about 10 years ago MIL tried to confiscate the booze but she would try and get the bus into town to buy it or stop strangers and ask for lifts etc. Luckily they lived in a small village where everyone knew her and could keep an eye out but she was seen in the road trying to flag down a car to take her to to shops.
MIL controls the alcohol now by providing it but waters it down.
Unfortunately OP by cancelling the delivery you may inadvertently put your Mum in more danger as addicts will go to extreme lengths, instead i think that you might have to try and come to terms with the fact that you can't do anything.

@pontipinemum You need to apologise your 10 year old self and absolve her from blame. She/you have no repsonsibility for your mother's choices, lifestyle or alcoholism.

You need to look after yourself now, and you've mentioned that you have your own MH issues to focus on.

Take care of yourself, and love your mother from a distance knowing that you cannot help her, and that you are not to blame.

Don't cancel it.
I had a close family member with a gambling addiction and also an ex with an alcohol problem.. when you get involved to this extent it doesn't actually help. I know because I did things like removing credit cards.. pouring bottles of wine down the sink.
All it does is give you the responsibility for it and allow them to let themselves feel helpless. It puts you in a role that isn't sustainable for you. You won't cure them in this way you'll only protect them from consequences for a time.
They have to go on the journey themselves to where they admit they have an issue and start taking responsibility. Unfortunately intervention just doesn't work unless they are actually at that point and even then it needs to be them who take the lead on making decisions.
Doing things like cancelling their alcohol order behind their back.. all it's going to do is harm you psychologically because of the role it places you in.
The only thing you can do is keep talking to them and trying to get them to acknowledge the issue, keep reminding them you are there to support them.

I would want to cancel it too. But as others have said, it may cause more damage than it solves.

You could reduce the number of bottles in the order. But, if she's seeing the GP soon, I'd ring her surgery and ask for my concerns to be noted. I'm sure her GP will notice or be aware too. But I also know when I've had to do that for a relative, the GP asked more probing questions without saying a concern had been raised.

Having been in that situation I know it's a hard one to be in. If it were me I'd cancel it but I also agree with other posters saying she would just find another way to get hold of it.

My DM would have spells where she would binge. Maybe a day or two. Maybe a week or two. Then she might go a few days, weeks, months without, then repeat. I ran out of ways to try and help and in the end I left her to it.

That might sound harsh but when you've tried everything it becomes exhausting. You can't talk to them when they've been drinking because they'll tell you what they think they want you to hear. You can't talk to them after they've been drinking because they're ashamed or in denial and don't want to talk about it.

We lost my DM last year and while it wasn't strictly alcohol related the drinking it hadn't been helping her general health, and it was off the back of her drinking a bottle of gin a day for 8 days straight. Obviously hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I would have gone over and poured it away. It would have made it harder for her to drink but you can't be with someone 24/7 and I know she would have just gone out and got more as soon as I left.

My thoughts are that deleting the order will make it harder for your DM to drink, and it'll take away the temptation of having the drink in the house, but I'd be prepared to see her use a different account, or a different supermarket, or a different ordering platform to get what she wants.

The best thing you can do is get yourself to Al Anon.

You can't control your mother into sobriety. It's true that she will have to hit rock bottom before she will have any chance of deciding (herself) that she wants to begin her recovery.

"Detach with Love". Really, if you're not part of an Al Anon group please look up your local meetings. It will change your life. It did mine.

Sending love

OP you are absolutely amazing...well done. I could write a book about my childhood and alcoholic mother who amazingly just suddenly stopped when I was about 22 (would have been really *ucking helpful when I was 5-16 years but hey ho)...it does not matter how much you try to hide the alcohol/cancel the online delivery in your case, they will find a way. Until THEY WANT TO nothing else will work. I am now 58, brilliant career, 2 gorgeous daughters, wonderful husband but feel such a massive failure due to my childhood.....hope you work it out, I'm still trying xxx

You have got to step away and stop trying to manage her. You should put yourself and your own family first. She's lying to you and will always choose the alcohol over every person she cares for.

If she's old it's probably too late for her to change.
Can you instead just be more compassionate towards yourself? That means putting your mum at a bit of a distance? It's no coincidence that you became an alcoholic with an alcoholic mother.
You have done something about it and need to use that energy to keep yourself going. She hasn't. I'd be a bit resentful of that tbh and would use that resentment to invest in myself a bit more.

Hi OP, my mum died from alcoholism recently. It's shit. Sorry you're going through this. I'd recommend reading and engaging with NACOA if you're not already connected. Helped me come to terms with the 'you can't fix it' part of a parents addiction. Sending love to that little girl who was begging her mum to stop, from another one who did the same.

My mum is an alcoholic has been for about 20 years, she also denies it. We’ve tried everything to stop her drinking and sought professional help too but nothing has worked, and she finds a way to get alcohol. I wouldn’t bother cancelling it.

Totally understand what you’re going through. Had same with mum who after numerous falls ended up in care home. Specialist said she has dementia and forgot how much she was drinking. It doesn’t end well. Ask GP for professional help, you can’t do this alone. Best of luck to you and mum x

This

And if you don't tell her , you can see what she buys over the week

Doesn't help her or you if she is lying about the booze. But least you will know what she buys /how much is drinking

You know the 3 c's - main one can't control , cure or cause it

You can’t save her.

I just wanted to post and say I’m really sorry. My mum is an alcoholic, has been for my 32 years of life and I know the pain, anguish, trauma that comes from it.

You cannot stop her, you know that. It won’t be the end, until she decides. My mums breaking point was me finding her on the floor of her flat blacked out whilst I was 24 weeks pregnant, I hauled her up the stairs and the next day told her if she didn’t stop drinking I would never speak to her again. She chose to stop that day and has been off the booze for 2 and a half years now. But I know deep down that anything can retrigger it. It is out of your hands x

you may know her password but she will get an email telling her there have been changes to her order so she will know it was you. She will also go straight back in and reorder what you took out

OP, as I expect you know, stopping alcohol suddenly can cause damaging withdrawal symptoms. She needs to stop under controlled conditions. I know myself how painful it is to see one’s mother doing this but you really can’t force her to stop drinking, it just won’t work.

Ugh, I wish I didn't have to spell it out for those who can't read a thread and keep telling op to cancel her order or 'replace it with milk (FFS!)

If you know nothing about a subject, don't comment.

If OPs mum were to go cold turkey from the level she is drinking, it could kill her. Not figuratively, literally. Alcohol withdrawal can kill.

The OP doesn't need that to worry about, regardless of anyone's thoughts in here about 'alcoholics'.

Also wtf about printing the order and sending it to the GP. You think the GP won't know? What do you think it will achieve, seriously? That the GP can magically shame the OPs mum into stopping drinking? That mum will suddenly have a revelation?

Humans don't work like that. Addiction doesn't work like that. The only thing that Op can do here is try and keep herself safe, whole doing what she feels is manageable for her mum - because that's a natural instinct to know that we've done what we can, even if other people are telling us to walk away.

Addiction for family members is heartbreaking. I hope you find a way through this OP.

I'm glad you've decided not to cancel the order OP, as the supermarket will only send her a message confirming the order has been cancelled, so she'll just re-order.

I am SO sorry for what your Mum has put you through over the years, and firmly believe that taking a step back, for the sake of your own MH, is the right thing to do now. While she's not admitting to drinking, there's absolutely NOTHING you can do to help her. So withdraw, and take care of yourself, I think it sounds like you've done all you can, and if she's already at the stage where she isn't physically fit enough to go out and buy her own booze, then I think quite frankly, that she's a lost cause.

Sending a hug your way, and wishing you happiness with a DH who from what you've said, clearly cares about you..

These shared experiences are heart breaking. You cannot be held responsible for your mother op, especially when she does not admit she has a problem.
I would let your closer siblings know and ask their advice, if you have the kind of relationship that allows it or I’d maybe reduce the order so that she has some alcohol, so take half off. And I’d never look at her online order again, if there’s nothing you can do about it it will only cause you stress and you have your own struggles.
If it was my mum though I’d make sure myself or a sibling was there when the order arrived. She knows she has a problem that’s why she’s hiding it and it may push her to admit it.

You need to focus solely on your own MH and continued sobriety. She will do what she wants and you are not responsible for her choices or actions . If she asks for help then it’s a different matter .

my dad was an alcoholic and I ordered him his booze in the huge quantities each week from Tesco online as otherwise he’d drive to get it and potentially kill others not just himself. He successfully drank himself to death , his last words were “ pour me a large one for the road “ .
it’s very hard - NACOA might be a source of support for you .