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Original poster

To delete my alcoholic mums shopping delivery?

84 replies

pontipinemum · 11/10/2024 20:49

I'll start by saying I am a recovering alcoholic so I have a strong understanding of what she is doing.

My mum is an alcoholic, she would never in a million years admit that but 100% she is. She is supposed to have been off the booze 5 years since she had a major health issue. The doctors all warned her that needed to be it.
She has been having another serious health issue the last few months. I didn't think it was drink related but now I think drink is playing a large part.

I knew she had been drinking, I found an empty bottle at her house, voice was a bit off, texts were all very off. But i thought it probably wasn't too much. Her sister told me about 1 episode too.

She had a HUGE relapse last week. Believe me I am not judging I have been there. Me and her siblings have been supporting her. I don't live locally but 2 of her sister have been fantastic.
I logged into her online shopping account (password is saved to my laptop from before). Very intrusive I know. For months she has been ordering 10 bottles of wine every 4 to 5 days. Then a bottle of gin every 2 weeks and some beers.

I told her I knew she had been drinking and that I get it she just denied it. She said her slip last week was completely because of me stressing her out, long story, yes I've caused her stress but her response was not my fault.

I told her I had found bottles in her house and she said she didn't know how they got there. She lives alone and the house was completely vacant before she moved in.

Anyway she hasn't ordered anything all week but I recon there were reserves. I now see an order for tomorrow with 10 bottles of wine and a bottle of gin..

What do I do!? Cancel the order? Ask her sister to be there when the order arrives?

I can't discuss this with DH because of how she raised me (or to the point didn't she abandoned me to a relative and took me out when it suitrd her) and her general attitude he has never been her biggest fan

But I don't want her to drink herself to death.
She's texting me all the right thing right now. I even said to make sure all is out of her house she needs no temptation. .

OP posts:
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graceinspace999 · 15/10/2024 09:48

I think the post above says it all.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to stop her.

I don’t know where you are but try really hard and find support for yourself. You can usually get this free.

Imagine your mother hanging off a cliff holding a rope - you are trying to keep hold of the rope to save her.

Eventually her weight will pull you over the cliff with her. What can you do? You can’t keep hold of that rope forever.

Drop the rope - save yourself.

DetoxedAlcoholic · 15/10/2024 07:42

Oh OP, I am crying inside for you. You know how terrible addiction is, you know and understand how all consuming it is. So do I. We are lucky, we got out. We are free. I know your mum could get free too, but you need to step back now. Please let yourself do that. You do not owe her, you cannot change her and you deserve better. Please lean on your DH now, message your mum to say you love her but you're taking some space. I know this will be so difficult, heart breaking, but you can survive and now you must do so.
Give yourself the life you absolutely deserve now. With your loving family. Please do that.
From one survivor to another, you deserve an amazing life, you absolutely do. Xx

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 14/10/2024 20:18

pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 12:52

@ZenNudist @Nogaxeh @ThisHangryPinkBalonz I didn't cancel it, I knew that would only make her angry and lash out and do something possibly dangerous. Her sister did tell her we know she bought the drink though.

She has been full of remorse since texting saying she is very low/ depressed etc. But she has been drinking all weekend so of course she feels low. I am just trying to encourage her to slow down on it. I don't think she will ever stop

Well done for not stepping in OP.

This is something you know about and could support her with... if she wanted you to.

It must have been very difficult to let her go ahead knowing what harm she is doing.

Sadly, you don't have the power to make another adult stop drinking. It really does have to come from her. She isn't ready yet.

ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 14/10/2024 16:26

pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 12:52

@ZenNudist @Nogaxeh @ThisHangryPinkBalonz I didn't cancel it, I knew that would only make her angry and lash out and do something possibly dangerous. Her sister did tell her we know she bought the drink though.

She has been full of remorse since texting saying she is very low/ depressed etc. But she has been drinking all weekend so of course she feels low. I am just trying to encourage her to slow down on it. I don't think she will ever stop

Annoyingly mine only stopped when she got diagnosed with terminal cancer, she's missed out on 2 wonderful grandchildren, who i know she would have adored. Addiction can be bloody awful for both parties.

I often think I should have done more but in all honesty, what can you do? You can be angry, sympathise, nothing works unless that person is ready.

candycane222 · 14/10/2024 15:30

Oh and OP look up 'parentification'.

bombastix · 14/10/2024 13:46

How nightmarish this must be; I really feel for you.

I don’t think you can intervene in the shopping; but you can be clear that you won’t be believing your mother’s BS about drinking. That should be the limit. Being around alcoholics who are manipulative will do you no end of harm - set a boundary, don’t engage with her when she is drunk or have time when she is drinking. Protect yourself; at the rate she is going then a medical need is coming soon.

candycane222 · 14/10/2024 13:30

"I am just trying to encourage her to slow down on it"

Why? It doesn't seem to help much. And it's telling her and you her drinking is your responsibility. That it's your job to police it.

No, no, no it isn't your job or your responsibility. OP you must find a way to understand this. Please ask your MH professionals to find you help for this enmeshment. It is hurting you, consuming your attention, day in day out. And so far as we can see, only enabling your mother - and not helping her in the slightest.

I expect you are terrified of letting go. But honestly the harm is coming from you clinging on to your role as Mum-saviour. It is a curse that you will need a lot of help to shake off, but either you do that work, or you are here in this exact hole until your mother dies.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/10/2024 13:09

No, you cannot cancel the order.
She is an adult with mental capacity to make her own choices, and she clearly does not want to stop drinking alcoohol.
She has the right to purchase alcohol and have it delivered to her.

lovemetomybones · 14/10/2024 13:05

I don't know a lot about alcoholism but this situation made me think about Amy winehouse. When she stopped drinking her body couldn't cope with alcohol withdrawal.

If she has been an alcoholic for some years simply stopping might trigger physical problems, I think your mum is only going to recover if she is convinced that going sober is the right decision to do and get medical support with this.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 12:52

@ZenNudist @Nogaxeh @ThisHangryPinkBalonz I didn't cancel it, I knew that would only make her angry and lash out and do something possibly dangerous. Her sister did tell her we know she bought the drink though.

She has been full of remorse since texting saying she is very low/ depressed etc. But she has been drinking all weekend so of course she feels low. I am just trying to encourage her to slow down on it. I don't think she will ever stop

OP posts:
ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 14/10/2024 12:42

Not sure what to recommend but have been there with my mum. Cancelling will only delay the situation and no doubt annoy her and encourage her to drink more but you have my sympathys

Nogaxeh · 14/10/2024 12:40

I don't think you can stop her buying alcohol if she wants to. If you cancel this order she just them makes another one. Are you going to check her account every day? What if she makes an order with a different supermarket? Or she could simply go directly to a store

ZenNudist · 14/10/2024 12:36

RB68 · 11/10/2024 21:21

you can't cancel it but you can be there when it arrives....

This

It's better she is confronted with her behaviour. Don't let on you know her password then you can keep am eye on this.

BMW6 · 14/10/2024 10:31

Then you are flogging the proverbial death horse OP.

You know you can't help her yet you are still tied to her with imagined guilt.

Cut yourself loose. You will still.care and love her, but at arms length emotionally. Detach. Step back. Put space between you.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 09:50

BMW6 · 14/10/2024 09:40

I think it would be good for you - and her in the long run - if you could write this down and tell her NONE of this us your fault and you refuse to carry her guilt for her anymore.

She chose to have a child, she chose to stay with an abuser of herself AND HER CHILD, she chose to put the foods and booze in her mouth.

Write it all out, purge yourself of it all. You could send it to her - why not, she's drinking herself to death anyway so you might as well give her a bloody good excuse for another bottle!

It's time you did this then stepped back. You can't save her from herself.

I have told her many of these things over the years. But I am 'lying' or 'exaggerating' 'you were a child you can't remember correctly'

She is the ultimate victim. Nothing is ever ever her fault. Starting with how her parents did wrong by her, they raised me for 12 yrs they were good people. I have to so fecking everything for her she just 'keeps meaning to do it'. I have stepped back a lot and when she says she needs to do something I say yes you do need to. She is waiting for me to do it like always.

DH is still annoyed the day before I went into the MH hospital myself she got me to sort out moving her electricity, sort car insurance and figure out how to get her new driving licence which she lost (UK licence but we not longer live in the UK so it was annoying). He says that is her all over takes what she can get. But I always get fooled into thinking she can't do these things for herself. She can play me so well

OP posts:
BMW6 · 14/10/2024 09:40

I think it would be good for you - and her in the long run - if you could write this down and tell her NONE of this us your fault and you refuse to carry her guilt for her anymore.

She chose to have a child, she chose to stay with an abuser of herself AND HER CHILD, she chose to put the foods and booze in her mouth.

Write it all out, purge yourself of it all. You could send it to her - why not, she's drinking herself to death anyway so you might as well give her a bloody good excuse for another bottle!

It's time you did this then stepped back. You can't save her from herself.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 09:36

@Blackberriesandcobwebs as an alcoholic myself can I go to Al-Anon? I didn't want to feel like I was intruding/ making their space unsafe

OP posts:
Original poster
pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 09:35

@AluckyEllie I am waiting to start seeing a psychiatrist again soon. I have been to in patient treatment for MH in 2020 but I had been drinking in the lead up so they mainly just treated that. Since then I have thankfully been mainly sober. I am sorry to say I have had some slips but they are very few and far between now. I am suffering from sever post natal depression right now and trying to navigate a BPD diagnosis. I am lucky my GP has been amazing

OP posts:
DancingLions · 14/10/2024 09:35

Please don't blame yourself for any of this. She is an adult who makes her own choices. You can have some empathy for how her life turned out but none of it is your "fault". Nor do you "owe" her anything.

You've had some good advice on this thread, so I won't repeat it but please do get some support for yourself from people who understand.

Original poster
pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 09:28

MoveToParis · 14/10/2024 09:03

I feel very responsible for her and I'm not sure why. I think it is because even though I know she should never have said I ruined her life, really I know she isn't wrong her life would have been much better without me. So I feel like I owe her.

Well she has you well groomed. You didn’t ruin her life - try standing over a baby’s crib and saying that to them. It will feel disgusting because how could the infant possibly be responsible

she chose to have you, and by making that choice she signed up for being the one who did the owing.

You owe her nothing. Least of all bleeding yourself dry trying to fill the emotional black hole of an alcoholic.

If you can honestly say you would tell seven year old you or 11 year old you that you owe her because you ruined your mother’s life then you’re as sick as she is.

Objectively I know it is silly to feel this way. And no I would never say that to a child.

I lived with her through my teens and from age 12 ish she used to tell me to stop her eating junk/ help her to lose weight/ not let her drink too much. Inevitably each night she cracked open that 2nd bottle of wine/ or 'snuck' some liquor out of my step dads cabinet and then eat a load of cheesy bread sticks. Next morning it was my fault for not stopping her.

Little 12yr old me went to the library and got out a book on dieting and wrote her out a diet plan which she didn't stick to. I had put a lot of effort into that.

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 14/10/2024 09:26

@pontipinemum your last post is one of the saddest things I think I’ve read on mumsnet. Nothing about her life is your fault. She is the one that made those choices, that has ended up in the situation she’s in. You had no choice being born to such a terrible mother, you were completely helpless - never feel guilty. She’s pathetic. Are you seeing a counsellor? If not I would very much suggest you do, they may be able to help you with those feelings and support you. Your mother has made the choice over and over to be an alcoholic, to treat her family like shit. She’s made her bed, go low contact for the sake of your sanity and enjoy life- you deserve it. Quitting an addiction is one of the hardest things to do in life, you should be so proud of yourself. Don’t risk compromising it by being around someone like her.

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 14/10/2024 09:17

Cancelling the order just makes YOU feel in control of her drinking but your DM needs to be the one to take control of it. Call Al-anon (for you) and you need to step back as she needs to work out for herself a better way of coping with lifes challenges than blotting out her problems with alcohol. If she won't accept help to address it then it's her decision, not yours. You can't be the parent to her that she never was to you, nor can you make her "happy". It's sad, but you have to mentally step back and protect yourself so as not to trigger yourself.

BMW6 · 14/10/2024 09:10

So I feel like I owe her. If it hadn't been for me she wouldn't have been with my prick father who left her high and dry, she then moved in with an abusive (occasionally physical/ sexual but mainly emotional/ control to both of us) man which is when she started drinking.
I'm texting her constant encouragement in the hope something sinks in

Woah.

Who chose to have sex with your father?
Who chose to have a relationship with an abusive man later? When he abused YOU what did your mother do to protect YOU - her child?

Your mum failed you, not the other way around. You cannot be held responsible for being created. As a child she owed it to you to protect you.

As an alcoholic you KNOW that she's talking shit to make excuses for her alcoholism. That she's pinning it on you is beyond despicable.

Stop feeding this absolute bollocks. Get some therapy before you relapse and FFS find your rage and back away from the toxicity.

MoveToParis · 14/10/2024 09:03

I feel very responsible for her and I'm not sure why. I think it is because even though I know she should never have said I ruined her life, really I know she isn't wrong her life would have been much better without me. So I feel like I owe her.

Well she has you well groomed. You didn’t ruin her life - try standing over a baby’s crib and saying that to them. It will feel disgusting because how could the infant possibly be responsible

she chose to have you, and by making that choice she signed up for being the one who did the owing.

You owe her nothing. Least of all bleeding yourself dry trying to fill the emotional black hole of an alcoholic.

If you can honestly say you would tell seven year old you or 11 year old you that you owe her because you ruined your mother’s life then you’re as sick as she is.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/10/2024 08:59

So sorry, this must be heartbreaking. I don't think that cancelling the booze order would help. As you may have found in your own recovery, it is taking responsibility and owning what is happening that helps an addict find a way through, not other people trying to save them. But I really am sorry for the pain this must be causing you.