My sister’s husband has made her ill

Sounds like he's overseas shagging another woman.

He won't be wanting to care for three young children.

Sounds like he isn't even communicating, never mind being a responsible parent.

That’s awful OP. I think therapist and psychiatrist first to get her start processing things, and hopefully slowly she will start getting stronger. She needs to be strong for her children. It is good she has such a supportive family. She needs to do one thing at a time. Her kids must be feeling the stress.

Will some meditation help? There are some good ones in YouTube from the mindful movement; guided meditation for traumas, etc

My mum was left with 4 teenagers; she never worked before. So glad she was so strong and got us through university, etc. Will forever be grateful; she didn’t have the support your sister has. She never remarried, didn’t want to bring a man to a house with 3 teenagers girls. We had a few hard years but got through it.

My dad met at woman 25 years younger. Midlife crisis I guess.

People try to excuse men's running off with other woman as 'depression' or 'mid life crisis'

But it's always another woman.

Don't know a single case where a man left without there being another woman {or very rarely, another man}.

Does the Dad know what is happening? The children need a parent. If mum can't do it then perhaps it's best that they move to dad for a while. The children don't deserve to be the victims in a family where the adults can't get their shit together. It's all well and good calling him a bastard and saying that she is grieving but meanwhile there are children being seriously let down by both parents. If his side of the family don't know what is happening then they should be filled in so they can pass it on to him and hopefully he will do the right thing and take custody for a while.

By ''this long'' your poor sister is in the early stages of shock and grief.

It's natural that she is feeling broken like this- anyone in this situation would be.

What a complete coward her husband is.

It takes at least two years in general to begin to 'get over' a betrayal like this from personal experience and speaking with others.

Counselling probably won't help much unless it is to tell her that feeling like she currently does is normal and to be expected.

The effect on children is dreadful.

What a complete bastard.

No-one is saying she has to get over it, but she needs to start getting practical among it all. She has a child to be strong for. I know we're not all the same. I have been through something horrendous (more so than this) and had a friend who went through the same sort of thing. I was able to go through it all and be there for my children/go through the motions of life the whole time. My friend ended up hospitalised for months because she couldn't do that. OP's sister sounds like she is potentially in crisis at this point, and maybe needs the appropriate evaluation.

No-one is saying this isn't terrible, she doesn't have to get over it (possibly never will), but if she isn't able to function or eat, she may need an intervention, because six weeks is a long time to be how she is.

I would be calling the police if he’s just randomly disappeared without even getting in contact with his children for 6 weeks. He could have had a breakdown or worse.

Can all the tough love psychotherapists point me in the direction of the research or evidence for 6 weeks being the magic cut off point for getting over life altering/shattering events…

I'm sorry your sister and your family are going through this. I've been in a similar situation with a family member. I know what you mean about health seeming destroyed and looking older overnight. It can be scary and distressing to watch. I urge you to make sure she sticks with the anti depressants, it can feel like they're not making a difference but they do eventually, they are life changing. Unfortunately they can take a good while. We used to look up positive reviews of people's experiences of setraline together as that helped family member (and the rest of us) to cope and have hope. When setraline started working for my family member the change was quick and they began to physically look more like their original self and over time felt much better too. Take care.

This. Is this completely out of character for him? Have you spoken to his friends? His parents? Is he actually OKAY? Has he updated his social media accounts?

People on this thread are telling her basically to buck up and put her big girl pants on. Some women may be able to do that but, having experienced it, your sister sounds as if she is having a full blown depressive episode. I had one triggered by grief and it is mental agony. It's as shocking and disabling to the system as a bout of sepsis. It is absolutely no reflection on her ability to cope and is outside her control.

OP, it's really hard supporting someone in that situation and you will feel intense frustration at times, most likely. Antidepressants and time helped me. I only started feeling vaguely myself about 4/5 months after the event. What really helped was a holiday somewhere familiar and sunny-winter weather never helps! . It may be too much now but even a weekend away over the winter might help. You and your family sound amazing OP, gentle hand hold to your sister.

This. What a lovely supportive caring family you all are . Absolutely heartbreaking for the children. Was their Dad a hands on loving guy?

Please tell me you don't really think he's depressed.

The only advice I can give is regards meds. I strongly advise not to stop sertraline but instead see if she can stick out 6 weeks on it. By 6 weeks it should kick in.

The whole brain chemistry argument has never been proven anyway. That's now known to be a marketing ploy. But what sertraline should do is provide a bit of a psychological blanket to help you function slightly better in the midst of very normal grief. She's struggling to function, she needs to give this a try. I took it and it helped.

She may be suffering with side effects of that also right now. I recall myself it made me worse and more anxious with panic attacks until 6 weeks point and then all much better.

Diazepam definitely can be prescribed short term You could ask for say enough for a week or just take half now and again for the worst days ( I did this). It's addictive and won't be prescribed long term. Maybe you could try take over managing that for her if she's so bad.

I had a ‘breakdown’ or whatever you want to call it last year. It wasn’t over anything as serious as this. I have always been a worrier but this was something else. It was horrendous. I couldn’t eat or sleep, look after my own children - anything really. I was also put on sertraline but it takes a few weeks to start working. Diazepam in the meantime was the only thing that gave me relief, but it’s extremely addictive so they won’t give it to you for long.

I did start to feel better after a few weeks, which may have been partly down to the sertraline. But actually I think it was a lot down to the support I had from my amazing family, and my DH (obviously your sister’s husband is the problem though!). I also found that having a plan and taking practical steps really helped me. Oh and I’ve just remembered another thing I did was crochet, I find this a good way to use my brain just enough that it takes my mind of things without being taxing in and of itself. Did this while watching very easy going TV.

I agree with PP that offers of cinema etc, while kind - it’s just not the right time just now. I can remember going out with friends for lunch once when I was unwell and it was like a physical pain trying to act like I was ok.

I really hope your sister starts to improve soon, and well done for taking care of her when she needs it most.

She needs to return to the GP for an urgent medication review. She either needs a stronger dose of sertraline or different medication. Is she sleeping?

Your sister needs to get going on practical things and being there for her child. If she isn't able to do that at this stage, she is in crisis and needs the appropriate intervention for that.

Yes, this.
Men, destroyers of women's happiness.
(Not mine).
At least she's got the family to help out as they do.

All anti depressants carry a black box warning to say they can make you feel suicidal especially when you first start taking them. Sertraline also made me sleep a lot as I was getting used to them-I used to have to take them in the evenings. Won't start feeling better unt 6-8 weeks after starting either. It might be worth seeing if the meds have exacerbated her symptoms?
Other than that it's hard to think of anything practical to help at this time. Sorry you're going through this x

In the nicest possible way, your sister needs to make plans. She is in a horrible, horrible situation.
She needs to see a solicitor. She needs to get plans made and know all of the options available, however unfavourable.
How long financially, can she keep going the way she and the children currently are? Is her DH currently funding anything? Has he mentioned any future financial support? Has he said anything about the family home?
The school should informed, there could be an emergency bursary available. If there isn’t the council will need to be contacted asap for school placements to be made. It is an upheaval, one that’s really unwanted, but children do adapt.
Can she draw anything out of joint assets? Bank accounts? Savings accounts etc, in order to tide her over.
The children will need to be informed that change will be coming, it’s really difficult.

And if your dsis is really unable to process anything another trip to the drs would be the best port of call. Sertraline takes at least a month to kick in. It helps with depression and anxiety, not shock.

Three small children suddenly losing their father with no word or anything, and the woman having to deal with the impact of all of that, whilst nursing her broken heart and own shock, sounds pretty tragic to me.

Just wanted to gently say OP, that when pain is so great and emotions are so strong, working a bit on the logical side of the brain can be really helpful for slow healing. Could you get your sister a book of sodoku or anything similar she likes doing which she could have next to her bed whilst she's in bed all day? Crochet, knitting? Even if she did five minutes a day, it might help her to focus a bit away from the awful feelings she's having. It might be an easier thing to coax her into than spa days.

Another idea would be to give her a small tupperware box of random assorted items all jumbled up and ask her to untangle them. Or ask her to put a shuffled pack of playing cards into order. Anything that just takes no effort but gets her having to focus for a few minutes at a time.

Then she is not currently fit to parent a child and SS need to be involved or the child needs to be taken somewhere else.

It’s not a tragedy.
It’s awful and heartbreaking but it’s not a tragedy.

The most important person in this is the child.
OP will get over this in time but the child will not if she is not protected.

I would go to the police and report him as a missing person.

I think having no closure is one of the worst feelings…underrated in my opinion, she’s obviously in shock, it’s obviously come out of left field so I’m assuming there were no indications for something like this.