My sister’s husband has made her ill

Does he have a Swedish passport or a visa to work in Sweden? If not, he will presumably have to return to the UK soon (assuming your DSis lives in the UK?

If this is totally out of character for him you need to call the police.
An email to family is a well known way of communicating by someone who may have caused harm to the victim.
Personally I would at the very least report him as a missing person.

Not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not but the poster you quoted isn’t a million miles off.

your poor sister and what disgusting behaviour from her husband. You and your family sound like very kind considerate and caring people. She is incredibly blessed to have you all so close emotionally and physically.

BUT she needs to get her big girl pants on now/ her young children need her to find her inner strength (which I hope is there by the sheer fact she is a mother) and get a plan for how she will move forward.

lawyer up - to get the best financial outcome from him as possible.
Get a therapist to isolate the time she can “fall apart” in a therapy room / get it out by talking.
reflect on why the marriage is broken - no one happy just walks out on a solid happy home. It’s okay to say that and not wrongly make her feel like it was all rosy and he just woke up one morning with a desire to abandon their family.
move forward and make the piece of $hit regret his actions every day for the rest of his life. new haircut, new look and new future

ask her straight if she wants to let this beat her and he wins or if she wants to come out of it even stronger more resilient and a woman her children look up to in adulthood

coach her to never touch a similar type of man in future and let her know in a month she won’t feel as she does today, in a year she will look back in amazement at her strength & in 10 years she will feel like she has dodged a bullet by not having husband in her life.

I hope she can get her head and body into a place she can function and then thrive. 💐

She sounds very ill indeed. It will take a while to sort things for her.

kkloo

There's no such thing as normal. But it's the mundane tasks, routine & desire to survive that provides strength & new hope. Look at what atrocities people are coping with around the world to ensure their children survive. I do have sympathy at this situation but she's not putting her children above her own feelings.

This broke my heart and I don’t even know you. Your poor sister, her poor kids and I have every sympathy for you and the rest of your family. This must be awful for you to witness.

I would say she is having a normal response to an abnormal situation. Is she definitely taking her medication every single day? It can take a while to kick in - my understanding is that they put you on a small dose for a couple of weeks and then increase and you will notice the difference after about three months. It can’t hurt for her to speak to the GP again though.
The time between now and the medication giving her a little boost is critical- sounds like you are doing all the right things but she just needs time. She is in shock and lying around and resting all day is probably not a bad thing. She needs to recover. Hopefully, once the medication kicks in it will give her enough of a boost to take some action. Therapy, for example. Or a bit of self care

I definitely think it is important to get a mental health assessment for your sister. It does sound as if she may be having some kind of a breakdown or at the very least an extreme reaction. Idk if she would be as bad if you weren’t around to pick up the pieces. Sometimes helplessness is learned and if your sister has always been looked after in this way when things in the past go wrong she either hasn’t learned resilience (eg is immature) or for some reason is unable to be resilient. The two being completely different imo even if right now they appear similar.

I also agree with posters, who say this is the same as a bereavement. It is a sudden death of sorts and therefore an unexpected and brutal bereavement. It is of course very different from a death, however, in some ways it is worse and in some ways not. He chose not to be with them all rather than having no option, which may have a more compounding effect.

My father died after a very short illness when I was a teen. It was very difficult and brutal. My mother was there physically but not emotionally in any shape or form. No one was there actually and you’re doing an amazing thing stepping in for both parents. However, I cannot emphasise enough how much they need their mum right now. Apart from one teacher once, I was never given so much as a hug after my dad died and this has had lifelong effects.

They are also losing their school and therefore their friends. This is such a disastrous situation for them and they really do need their mum. Right now they are likely so confused and your 5 yo niece appears to be copying her reaction. If anything the children are coping better by the sound of it.

I would also be aware of what is known as parentification. This is where the child attempts to look after the parent’s needs. It can be physically helping. As you are doing everything, I would be concerned with the children thrust in a position of emotionally supporting their mum.

Lastly, your bil hasn’t made your dsis ill. She has control over her reactions to a situation. The situation has made her ill. Saying he has made her ill is giving her permission to fall to pieces, which is why the mental health assessment you are seeking it’s important right now.

Have you thought about a career helping people with mental health issues? 😃

With your empathy levels and no nonsense advice everyone would be back to normal in no time at all 😃

I have to agree with this. Most of us have been through extreme heartbreak and it's gut wrenchingly sickening, but after six weeks and children to take care of it's time to start kicking. I'm not saying get over it and move on but she needs to start trying to gain some strength. I wouldn't wish a broken heart on my worst enemy. What a bastard.

It sounds like she has a wonderful family around her. Keep doing what you are doing and when the tine is right, try get her to be angry.

Being angry will help (and her family) to get everything in order for a divorce and get her finances sorted.

You sound like a lovely sister and you are doing a great job being supportive through what is probably the worse moment of your sisters life.

@Carabelliana "a weak person." "Wallowing." I'm honestly fucking disgusted and it's rare I'm surprised by any bullshit on here any more.

@BettyBardMacDonald but someone doesn't necessarily stop functioning just because they were "enmeshed and dependent." The shock has made her ill and she is struggling to cope. You have no idea how well she might and might not be doing if she had not become mentally unwell. These things hit different people different and even the same people differently at different times. Implying she's lived her whole life wrong and is an incompetent person is just a bit crap honestly.

As for the person saying "custody" should go to the father who has literally disappeared, I have no words.

@Carabelliana

a)She doesn't work & contribute to the household & he's tired of being the main breadwinner
b) she has zero resilience & is too dependent on him & he's met a strong, independent woman (possibly a single mother) & has made unfavourable comparisons, possibly fallen for her

Your comments are grotesque, victim-blaming shit.

Yep, start pulling back. She's very lucky you've all provided space for her to wallow a bit but she's got responsibilities to her children and needs to think of them and start making plans.

I'm not downplaying how awful this must be for her but i think the support has been extreme (you took the pets? 1 activity a day??) and wont be helpful in the long run. Support from the sidelines but help her find a new normal where she is participating in her childrens lives and their healing.

I think your sister needs a bit of tough love now. Lots of empathy, support and professional mental health support, bit she also needs to recognise that her children have lost both parents at once. They need her to step up for them.

It's heartbreakingly awful and sad but she needs to eotk towards being their Mum now.

I feel for your sister OP, it's not easy. I was more lucky when XH left: we rented a place (and it was just my name on tenancy) and I was the breadwinner...so no worrying how I was going to afford everything...and because I worked FT, I HAD to go to work and maintain a normal routine (wasn't easy, and I had to plaster a smile on my face, but it definitely helped).

It's like a bereavement though: you're mourning your old life, the person that you thought you married etc. Ironically, my lovely Dad then died about a month after all the shit happened with my XH, so then I spent the time dealing with the loss of my final parent, rather than just focussing on "loss" of XH. When XH left (and when my Dad died), I made sure schools knew so they could support the kids if need be. I saw a lawyer and I did a hell of a lot of crying. XH was absolutely vile to me at that time (and yes there was OW), to the point that I needed to have police involvement etc. About four months down the line, he came crawling back...but I told him where to go.

I think it will take time for her to get back on track. But I do think her getting back into a routine of sorts will help her: school run, dog walks, speak to lawyer, get ducks in row, potter about house etc. It won't be easy but with family support, I think it will be best thing for her. I think if I had taken to my bed at that time, it would have made "recovery" (of both loss of my marriage and loss of my Dad) a lot harder, and a lot longer - not that you recover, if you catch my drift!! Over five years on from it now and I'm fine...just miss my parents but I don't miss XH (well, I miss the person I thought I married!). Sending best wishes xx

This is very sad and a terrible shock for your poor sister & distressing for the children, but I agree with the comments that she needs to get on with things now. Six weeks is a long time, even longer in the poor children's eyes.

He has behaved awfully, men often do when they have young children, it's unforgivable.

Why have the dogs & hamster been taken from the home? Pets provide normality to a home, it's very difficult to be depressed when you have a demanding animal around. This would surely be upsetting for the children too, losing their pets. You all need to be pragmatic & practical. Tell her she needs to get up & plan for the children's future, assuming now that he's not coming back.

Doesn't she work? Many mothers work & this provides a focus & reason to carry on.
You say she's crying about the house & schools but she should be worrying about the impact this is having on the children & finding some resilience for them.

You say she won't be able to live off savings forever, no, she'll have to get a job & change things to support the children like millions of abandoned mothers do. Downsize, get a lodger, whatever.

The husband will undoubtedly reappear at some point. I would be over there looking for him to find out the truth behind his behaviour & to confront him about the future so she knows where she is & what to do next.

She should be cooking, doing all the normal things etc which will help her. Wallowing in bed for hours every day is ridiculous when you have three young children, normality is essential, she's making it worse for the poor children.
Don't get me wrong, it's a horrible shock, but reading between the lines he may have left her because:

a)She doesn't work & contribute to the household & he's tired of being the main breadwinner
b) she has zero resilience & is too dependent on him & he's met a strong, independent woman (possibly a single mother) & has made unfavourable comparisons, possibly fallen for her

There's no mention in your post about the relationship being good to begin with or any happy family times.

I feel there's more to this story. You say she can do one activity a day. This is because you're letting her do one activity a day. This enormous safety net isn't helping, not are the medications.

So she can access an Apple account, have a consultation with a lawyer, but not cook for her children or walk the dogs? People are surviving wars & atrocities in the world far worse than this right at this moment & surviving. Was she quite a weak person before all this? Did she have a good friendship network, activities/playdates for the kids etc? You don't say how old they are except that they are young, but they need both a semblance of normality & distractions right now.

The human spirit is strong when it needs to be & she needs to toughen up for her children, they are the priority here, seeing their mother completely fall apart is the worst thing she can do.

You’re really wrong. Psychologically it’s as traumatic as a death. This is a cataclysmic event in her life that has removed all her sense of who she is, who her family is, what her future looks like. I doubt tough love would do anything other than push her to a sucide attempt.

Could someone move in with her for a couple of months so she’s not lonely. It’ll help her feel safe while she moves through it and processes it. I’d reassure her it’s normal to feel how she feels. She’s experiencing trauma. He’s disgusting not only doing that to his wife but also the children. Is he replying to you? But saying that there is a chance his mental health could be at risk. It is that time of year. You’ll all get through this. Remind her she’s not alone.

Your sister can not possibly even start to recover until she knows for certain what has happened for him to send that email. She has nothing to go on at all…nothing to help her process anything.
So she will be spending all her energy hoping he simply returns and all can go back to normal, instead of coming to term with the end of her marriage and life as she knows it. There are too many questions and no answers at all at this stage.

As a family you are a fantastic support. You are doing everything to help her and the children through this impossible situation. To withdraw that support before she knows what has happened would be cruel.

I would get his family to come to tell her what’s happened from their point of view if they are in touch with him. They must know what has happened to some extent. She needs to hear the words ‘the marriage is over’ before any questions can form in her head as to finances, housing, schooling, survival etc. I wouldn’t expect her to start to recover until she has a few basic answers, direct from him, as to his intentions. Everything to do with her recovery stems from that and that alone.

Yes, it may well turn out that he’s nicely shacked up with another woman but until you know that for sure, it would be unwise to rule out other possibilities especially of the marriage seemed ok before. So, in the event that his family are unhelpful, and there is still no word from him, I would definitely inform the police and then carry on acting on advice from a divorce lawyer.

Did your sister have any signs at all that he was unhappy. It’s very very unusual for a man to disappear with no information at all as to why he ‘can no longer do this’ if there were no red flags at all before he left. Especially if, as it seems, he is expecting her to carry on with the admin for the business and he has made no attempt to communicate over that.

I hope he is in touch with answers soon. My heart goes out to your sister.

Hi OP, I think the poster was saying that this isn't necessarily something that medication can fix. Maybe a little bit for sleep and the panic symptoms, but I can guarantee that your sister will be in this for a good while yet. Everyone reacts differently to shock and grief. You sound like a lovely family. Day by day. Listen a lot and reflect back what she is saying to you. Lots of empathy. That's about all you can do for now in these early days.

Well he's still alive and working so......

It was an alternative theory behind his message saying he could not do this anymore. Male suicide does happen.

What an ignorant attitude. He could have done this because he is suicidal.