My sister’s husband has made her ill

If she doesn't start caring for the children like a parent should then social services may have to involved

Yea the father sounds useless but someone has to care for the children parents split up all the time life carries on

This is appalling for the children they have to deal with their father disappearing and their mother is no use they are the victims

There is only so long they can have irresponsible parents for, hopefully they will get help at school

The shock will take months to ease. Don't invite her outI found it so hard to leave the house and potentially bump into people I knew for the best part of a year. She will take a long time to stop reeling from this, ‘Runaway Husbands’, the book, the website and the private Facebook page was a huge help for me. www.runawayhusbands.com

Depending on how old the kids are, they are going to twig that dad isn't on a business trip soonish. What will they be told?

Give notice to kids school- don't have to implement, but may need the option

Get names down for state schools. Fill in paperwork etc. again- may not need but may need the option.

How's the business fairing? Maybe one of the stresses is that it is failing and he is leaving because of that too?

Are the kids missing the pets?

@Setroinh well they need to enter state schools Asap. Private education is a luxury and she can no longer afford it. How is it paid up? Has the year been pre paid? She needs to get a grip and put them in to state as soon as the paid year/term is up.

I think once they are in state schools the anxiety will ease up. How pampered and sheltered was she before he left that she is worried this much about state schools?

I was going to suggest that book. It is truly eye opening and helped me tremendously when I went through the intense shock and hurt of my ex suddenly up and leaving with zero lead up or heads up. Your sister's situation is actually not that uncommon. It is selfishness (on the part of these men) of the highest order.

A PP said "some women don't have the luxury of falling apart" That's at best, a naive statement.

All women have the luxury of falling apart. You can either cope or you can't (no shame at all if you can't) You'll either have support or you won't. I have seen in my own anecdotal experience, two single mothers with no support fall apart following similar spousal abandonment. In one the kids went into emergency fostering while the mother was sectioned after attempting suicide. In the other the kids were placed by SS with the ex's grandmother and stayed there. The kids will either suffer or family and friends will support.

And lets not forget all the women who immediately jump into another relationship with a really inappropriate man as a coping mechanism.

I think that this happens and women are expected to pick up the pieces and carry on with the children is an example of the hidden misogyny in our culture. Women are always expected to cope. Always expected to see to the children. Expected to be uncomplaining super-resilient martyrs. Mental health and wellbeing be damned.

Disregard this, I just looked it up and he can live there while his application is processed apparently.

OP, you and your family are doing a great job but your sister is going to have to get a hold of things or, if she can’t, someone in the family needs to do it for her. That means she has to accept help. She can’t keep being frozen and unable to operate. Her kids need her. It’s a huge shock and she will be grieving, but she needs to start functioning for herself as well as the kids. You all can’t keep doing everything for her indefinitely.

As for your BIL, he is a Grade A shit. He isn’t actually worth your hate. He hasn’t spoken to his kids for 6 weeks? F*ck him. Personally, I’d find out where he is (credit cards, SM posts, phone bills, his mum…there will be a trail somewhere) and give him a piece of my mind then make him tell me what his intentions are regarding the shitshow he left behind. He’s going to have to speak to someone at some point as the house will need to be sold etc.

Practical things. Is your DSis involved in the company? Does she have access to accounts etc? Check Companies House to find out if she’s a Director etc or if she’s been removed. You need to get as much info as possible about the company as that’s his source of income and he’s shown his true colours which mean he will hide assets and deny his kids/your DSis as much money as possible. Assume the worst of him. He won’t think twice about depriving them.

How many bank accounts do they have? Joint accounts, business accounts, savings, accounts just in his name. Any loans (especially any taken out against the house)? What’s his pension like? What does she have access to (I can’t speak to utility providers as they’re in my husbands name. Infuriating, but she may have to deal with this)? If they have a joint account with cash in it, take half out and put it into an account in her name. Shouldn’t technically do it, but she needs it and as long it’s traceable it can be accounted for in the divorce.

Speak to the school and explain what’s happened. I can’t imagine they’d do anything immediately as anyone hearing what has happened would be appalled. If they have to change school, then that’s not great but minimise it to her by saying thousands of children change school every day so it’s completely normal and not always detrimental. Things have changed and their old live doesn’t exist any more. Getting that back isn’t an option so they need to look forward and make a start.

Can you speak to his mum? If she’s on his side and shielding him I’d also tear a strip off her. She needs to be communicating with the mother of her grandchildren and not protecting her pathetic son.

Well done for being a such a good sister. All the best 💐

She will be okay because she has a wonderful family and you are clearly well resourced and connected enough to know lawyers etc and you all want to help.

Remember this is her rock bottom. Time is a healer. She does need to go back to the GP. Sertaline takes a while to work. She may need a higher dose or to try something else.

The worst part of these situations is that the grief stricken person needs to make financially sensible, life changing decisions while in their darkest moments. She'll get there but you can't fix her right now. Try to get her back to the GP and try to help her navigate the legal and financial side. Other than that I would prioritise shielding her children from this fall out and trying to keep their lives as normal as possible.

Psychotherapist would probably be more helpful for her in processing this. As she’s traumatized, not suffering from a mental illness.

Respectfully, I disagree. Six weeks is nothing when you’ve had the rug completely pulled out from under your feet. Everyone handles things differently and personally I don’t think she is wallowing. She’s struggling — and understandably so.

For people saying get her on universal credit, if her savings are over the allowed limit she won’t get anything. She would be best getting some proper advice on benefits. There is a self calculation tool called ‘what am I entitled to’ which may help as a first step.

Do her job for her, find every bit of paperwork she will need if you can. Your family sound amazing. Where is family, have they heard from him ?

You need to give notice to the schools as it's usually a terms notice. Get a claim running with the CSA they can catch him if he comes back to the UK. Get her signed on with UC if she's under the income threshold and get her signed off by GP. Legal advice on how she is going to sell a house she can't afford with the other party missing. If she doesn't start eating her hair will fall out, I know this from experience. It helped me in a similar type of situation to read up on narcissists and their complete lack of empathy. As it sounds like he's discarded his family sadly.

It’s taken my best friend 3 years to “get over” her dh leaving her for a younger woman. She was in deep grief like your sister for a year, went from size 16 to an 8, cried all the time, had to take sick leave. He’s a complete narc and did a total head-fuck on her and the kids - took no responsibility, left her in the lurch financially, flaunted new woman in front of them and on SM etc. She’s had to have family help with mortgage in order to keep her house and had to retrain at work to get a higher paid job.

After about a year she started getting better, still not herself, but better - going out, laughing again, eating a bit better.

But yes I’d say it’s taken 3 years to get properly to the point where she’s back to her old self, happy and wouldn’t spit on her ex if he were on fire (before he was flip flopping between the two of them and she kept on taking him back).

You’re expecting too much of your dsis - this will take her a long time to process before she can even begin to heal. It’s worse than grief - he hasn’t died, he’s left her for someone else (and there will be an ow) he doesn’t love her anymore and has abandoned her and their children.

These men are scum. She has to move on after the one person she thought she could rely on has dumped her in the middle of the ocean with no life belt.

Of course she’s not ok. Just keep on helping as much as you can, it will get worse before it gets better.

If my son did this, and I found out it was just that he’d had his head turned by some other woman, and not depression or anything, I’d give him 5 days to get his arse back and sort the mess. If he didn’t I’d be then turning my attention from him, to my DGC and make sure their welfare was prioritised. This means no changing schools, and his inheritance being spent making sure they are alright.

I’ve already told my sons that if I see them treating their wives and DC badly, I’ll take it as a personal insult as a woman, as misogyny, and they’ll be in serious trouble with me.

I’m so sorry to hear this. My husband left just under 4 months ago to live and travel round Europe and, whilst we spent a week or so discussing it before left, I was still left in shock that he actually did it. I now have no idea where he is. In my situation it’s actually been for the best as we weren’t happy but those first couple of months were awful. I ended up hearing about Wife Abandonment Syndrome and reading this useful book, which might be of some help: https://amzn.eu/d/eRrRpta

It will just be time and coming to terms with the grief and shock. Amazing for her to have a sister like you and others to support her.

Cross-posted!

I'm very surprised that her GP started an antidepressant so soon, and would strongly advise not medicalising 'normal' emotions and reactions to such a traumatic situation There is every chance that the Sertraline could be making her feel worse, including increased agitation and suicidal thoughts. I would be looking at speaking to the GP and weaning off it.

Whilst some of you are helping your sister emotionally, others need to be on the war path with him.

Get as much evidence as possible on finances, the house, the business etc. Keep all the emails that he has not responded to. Keep a diary of his movements, and when he last spoke to and saw the DC.

You say he’s been back and forth 6 months, so this affair, and it is an affair, is new. It might not last. The OW may not yet know he’s got more baggage than Stansted and he’s a complete cad. So, at some point he may come back with his tail between his legs. If on the slim chance it works out with OW he’ll want as much of the assets as possible. He’s already shown his true colours. He’s a coward. He’s the worst kind of man, one who abandons his DC with an email. Also, he’s finished his marriage with an email but he has to talk to her at some point. When he does, he’ll be reading from The Script. Make sure you read it from this forum, and are ready for his bullshit.

Your SIL is a shell at the moment, but she won’t always be. Her part of the assets need protecting NOW.

Apply for UC, child benefit, get onto CMS, talk to a solicitor, get it logged that he left on x day, contact council tax and get him off the house, make sure her name is on the deeds of the house, call the bank and block his withdrawals. Does he own his own company? Get all details, it’s half your sisters. You want as much money out of him as possible for the DC’s welfare.

The weasel will come out of his hole at some point and you need to make sure that whilst he is holed up in some hotel ordering room service and pretending the outside world doesn’t exist, that your sister is using this time to get 5 steps ahead of him.

There is not a lot of council housing left. The idea that a woman with kids could just walk into council housing died some decades ago. Why do you think private rented housing is so expensive? It’s because people are no long able to access social housing as it got sold off under the right to buy, massively driving up demand in the private sector. Private sector is expensive and landlords can pick from the most financially secure prospective tenants. It’s not easy to get into.

I grew up in a council house btw. And although I have a current full time job, me and my kids live below the poverty line. Life is really expensive now. So no, saying she may be facing living in poverty is far from dramatic. OP says she is living on savings now, so she clearly doesn’t have the income to cover her outgoings.

There is a recent thread on here about a man who upped sticks to New Zealand leaving behind two devastated children and a wife who is beside herself.
He had gone to live with a woman he had met online, even had organised a job there. He had planned it for months without telling her.
I should imagine your lovely sister is in shock. It is the type of reaction you see when someone goes missing without a trace. It is absolute shock and grief.
The fact that he has made no provision for his family, and deserted his children is beyond the pale.
Your sister needs some intensive professional help. There is a treatment for trauma called EMDR - many posters on here recommend it and I do too. There are credited therapists here in the UK and many work online so your sister could start with a session at home. It’s not cheap but the longer your sister is in this state the longer she will remain ill for.

So sorry OP, you and your family sound a great support.

I’m really surprised she was given sertraline just a couple of days after such a traumatic event - it is for clinical depression and I imagine she was in shock and traumatised at that point, utterly natural responses. The side effects of sertraline were horrendous for me - I know it works for some people - and turned me into a complete zombie so it may be it’s not helping. I couldn’t get out of bed on it, and actually with your amazing family support it may be more helpful for her to be unmedicated and gradually starting to do more with the kids etc. It should be being monitored very closely by the GP. If you can afford it I would pay to see someone privately once a week for the next month or two.

I can't stand pathetic men like this. Something is fundamentally wrong with them on a biological level in order to be capable of abandoning children in this way.

I will pray on his downfall! 🙏

It doesn’t sound like this is just heartbreak. It doesn’t sound like it’s just a failed marriage but all else stays the same. It sounds like she was financially dependent on her H. If she works in his business then that job is not likely to be sustainable. Unless she has a professional skill set to fall back on, she could be looking losing her current life, friends, neighbourhood, community, financial security. As well as her marriage. All of it. She is potentially facing losing her current life and expected future life.