My sister’s husband has made her ill

Is it really just as primitive as her feelings though? Her whole body and nervous system has shut down, that is called a nervous/mental breakdown. That’s is mental illness territory not merely some hurty feelings.

That’s a lot of whataboutary and projection.

The bit about people being in the middle of wars etc, well everything’s relative isn’t it. Op sister may never have had one bad thing happen to her in her life then boom 💥

Is this the same dad that irresponsibly and callously ghosted his children with no warning and no contact details. He’s also in another country.

What part of that made you think he’d want to have his children come and live with him.

More to the point why would you think he’s a responsible parent who would do the right thing after reading his treatment of his family.

You obviously know nothing about SS because they wouldn’t dream of interfering if the children have other responsible family members to take the reigns for the time being.

Some people are just more fragile when life changing circumstances happen, she may never fully recover from what her husband has put her through.

I know people who have chosen to never trust in relationships again after something like this. It can be really damaging to another human when they put all their love and trust into a partner and are treated so callously.

I don’t think a ‘just pull your socks up and get over it’ attitude works for everyone.

Some people actually break.

@PennyCrayon1

Ok but lots of people don’t have the luxury of “falling apart” to be honest. I’m heart sorry for this woman but she’s very lucky to have her family around her. I feel more sorry for her children who have effectively lost both parents and won’t understand why.
*

Agree ..,those poor kids

Bit harsh.
There are always 2 sides.
People split up
By taking some responsibility gives you the strength to move forward and build a better life for yourself.
And I'm coming from a place of going through similar.
I know someone who got up every for work , kept going , was there for the children and cried when no one was looking.
It's horrible and worse than death but at some point you are just wallowing.
Agree about the pets ..,.can't one go hime at least ?

I’d empty the bank account - he’ll soon get in touch then.

it’s only time before he does it.

I was given a fortnight's supply of Diazepam - 2.5mg, to be take once a day if required - when my husband died.

Doc later tried me with sertraline. Felt worse on it. Doc gave me another diazepam script. I don't take it every day - just when things are overwhelming. It's the lowest dose and I only get a script for 14 at a time.

There’s nothing ‘luxurious’ about one’s response to a major bereavement and that’s what this is. Your poor sister. She needs a psychologist to support her in this I think, if she can afford to do that. There’s a lot to process in different stages and a skilled professional is best placed to do that without making the trauma worse.

Like others I’ve been back at work days after a major bereavement. So? There’s no medal
for that. Nobody is losing because they can’t do that; I wasn’t winning because I could. I can’t imagine having so little empathy or thinking that my own experience and response must be universal.

Oh my God. So awful and I think you're all doing a great job rallying around.
Get the kids into some form of counselling ASAP, right now they've lost their dad and their mum, understandably but they haven't really got her either. They'll need to get some support even if they're young.
Get practical for your sis as she can't be, so get all money moved out of joint accounts etc ASAP. He'll soon run out of the 2k and will need more. Just get everything shifted so he can't get at it. Then get the paperwork started for a financial settlement and divorce. I know it's not what she probably can process right now but she will need to be ready when he does finally contact and she needs to make the most of any guilt he'll feel to secure the best possible outcome.
Horrendous though

couldn't eat.

I had this almost-exact situation when my husband left me. Shock, could eat, couldn't sleep at night (but slept all day), went from 9 stone to 6 stone 10. I'd say it took me 18 months to feel any better and that only antidepressants saved me. And time.

@Setroinh can I just check whether your sister is aware that you are posting about her here? It's a lot of personal stuff about someone else's life and recognisable circumstances.

it is actually not that uncommon. read runaway husbands by vikki stark

Thanks, yes I agree. All her DC had affairs but holds all the wives responsible. She took my ex in when I kicked him out, looked after him, took him out for dinner, even moaned that he was still having to work and then spend time with his own children whilst I was running myself into the ground. She also told me my role was to facilitate him. She’s an awful person. I no longer have anything to do with her. It’s made a hideous situation even harder.

Terrible.

Can the family intervene and request that your exBIL please meet for explanation and plan for how his children will be provided for? - It's the least he can do.

Would your parents meet with him and a mediator (and your sister if she is well enough)? They could plan to meet a couple of times until until things are more clear.

Then I’d say your MIL did a shit job of bringing up her son to be accountable for his actions, and if she wants to blame anyone, blame herself for bringing up a coward.

I’ve already told my sons that if I see them treating their wives and DC badly, I’ll take it as a personal insult as a woman, as misogyny, and they’ll be in serious trouble with me.

My MIL told me it was all my fault.

You say you've lost weight and your stomach is in knots so I'm sure you can therefore understand the impact physically this has had on your sister. You didn't manage to look after yourself enough to avoid the weight loss so don't expect your sister to be able to look after herself right now either. You sometimes need to hit absolute rock bottom to pull yourself back up. It's a process she needs to go through. The problem with taking psychiatric meds (sertraline) is they can numb some of the pain which is incredibly unhelpful in terms of sorting yourself out in such instances. She will eventually heal and be strengthened by this but won't be the same.

I cannot disagree with you more strongly.

Not “having the luxury of falling apart” means, if I fall apart my kids will go into care, I’ll lose my job and therefore income etc. So therefore I need to pick myself up and keep going no matter the cost to myself and my own mental health.

I'm sorry but this is what I mean by naive. You just gave a nice linear, normal, reasoned way of thinking as an example.

How much experience do you have working with people suffering with MH issues or going through a mental breakdown? They cannot 'reason themselves' out of it! Hence the GP will prescribe ADs. If you can reason linearly and if you can care for something outside your present anguish and follow through, you are coping!
You might be suffering the agonies of hell. But you are still putting one foot in front of the other. You might find other things, counselling, CBT, reiki, acupuncture, your relatives, a holiday in Marbella, exercise, botox, a few one night standers all or any help you to keep coping and cope better.

Not coping is I cannot reason normally, I cannot do that. I cannot think about the children. I cannot get my body to move when I need it to. I cannot get out of bed, get washed and put my clothes on, without huge energy, leaving me with nothing for the kids, let alone seeing to the children's needs. Even if people take the children, I cannot give attention to anything except my distress. I cannot give. There is nothing to give right now.

Mental health isn't something you can just push aside. People have different tolerance to coping. Some can cope better in the same situation that others cannot cope in. This is obvious in all other situations (even a death) except being abandoned by your husband for some reason. Being well off, rich, having help, ultimately won't prevent a person from sliding into a mental crisis if they cannot cope.

I absolutely do think misogyny has a great influence and women have imbibed it. They give grace to men to F off through not coping, but afford to the mother no such grace or time of absenteeism . It's as if we have a hangover from centuries old religious views of women 'Mother Mary and her seven sorrows' for e.g. and it's just expected that women will always find a way to be a good mother to the kids no matter what private hell she is going through. Plenty of women to castigate you even the midst of a MH crisis if you dont. 'Come on, get up!' It's no wonder it's easier for men to get up and leave. They know the kids will be alright. Because the woman/women will see to it.

I’m so sorry your sister is going through this. She is lucky to have you. Sadly, this is more common than you think. There is a group on Facebook called “Runaway Husbands” that she can join & get support from other women who have been through this

These guys currently have a six month waiting period for responding to some emails, so I would get onto them asap. It's for chasing up child maintenance if the absent parent is abroad.

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad/other-partner-lives-abroad

This. I do have sympathy for @Setroinh sister but its been 6 weeks. She need to step up. I would see a divorce solicitor asap. As he has at the moment abandoned her, she has a better chance of being granted the house and pensions etc. once his money starts to run out abroad he will be back and a divorce will be trickier. Either way she needs to ensure that things are rolling. Find her a part time job so that she can rebuild her life. Staying in bed will make the inevitable much more difficult.

Not “having the luxury of falling apart” means, if I fall apart my kids will go into care, I’ll lose my job and therefore income etc. So therefore I need to pick myself up and keep going no matter the cost to myself and my own mental health.

The ones you mention who did end up not coping and lost their kids because they didn’t have the right support around them, did not have the luxury of falling apart. They just did it anyway.

I don’t agree that it’s misogyny to expect women to put first the children they chose to have, in this situation. If I died or walked out on my family my husband would be expected to pick himself up and deal with the children, same way as I would. It’s not misogyny to expect the children to be put first.