My sister’s husband has made her ill

This.

And no doubt even if someone does seem to find some reserves and energy to 'pick their self up and keep going', because they don't have the luxury to fall apart, it will all catch up with them eventually and they'll crumble or have a mental health crisis, later on. It's better that OP's sister is crumbling now, because this gives her breathing space to heal and keep going further down the line. She'll also be stronger for when he comes back.

We need to have empathy for anyone in a broken shell of their former self, rather than tell them to get up 'because the ironing needs doing'. Ironically, it'll be love, patience, time for that person, and understanding, which helps them to heal the best.

I was just thinking actually that when I had my ‘breakdown’ or whatever you want to call it, I can remember thinking that I would never, ever getting better. I had never imagined that I could ever be so low, it’s very difficult to describe. But anyway, I remember that the MH nurse I spoke to reassured me that I would get better because I had a great support network. I had help/ support from my GP surgery, my work, my parents and my husband. I started to feel much better after 6 weeks or so (I did also have sertraline as I said in previous post). I really have no idea how people who don’t have a good support network get through something like this - I suspect that too often they don’t.

Btw despite being very unwell at the time, I ‘only’ took 3 weeks off work and I put that down to the medical help but also the unwavering support and the unconditional love I was given. This is something I will always be grateful for. I’m not saying the OP’s sister should be better by now, the thing I was upset about wasn’t anything as bad as this.

Sorry if that posts twice.
For some reason it came up as 'hidden while MNHQ takes a look' so someone must have reported me because they don't like what I'm posting 😅

It's nothing to do with my life, I already had empathy for people who have breakdowns before I even realised how little many people care when it's women.

Your comments are the childish ones, telling me to 'calm down' and making out it's just to do with my life because I didn't agree with you. And I got plenty of thanks for my posts to you also!!

You know nothing at all about this woman apart from what has just happened, you said yourself that there hasn't been one description of a previously happy life, yet you think it's odd that she has a complete lack of resilience.

For all you know this woman could have been to hell and back previously and had to deal with many traumatic things in her life, or years of suffering in her marriage and always remained resilient and then this happened and she finally cracked.

Yes it may indeed have become a safeguarding issue if her family weren't around, if she had a breakdown to the point she couldn't care for her children and had no support, and in that case she hopefully would have told her doctor and asked for help support. Which some women do in fact do when they need it.

Should a woman (or man) feel ashamed if they can't cope looking after their kids or should they seek help at that time to protect their children?

Should they keep trying to snap out of it by themselves when they can't? Or should they seek help?

You say you feel sorry for the children, yet your answer is that support needs to be removed and the mother needs to snap out of it basically, which has no guarantee of working, and which could make things worse for the children and lead to a bigger safeguarding risk.

My ex had a breakdown lasting around 6 months after we split up. He didn't want to take the kids, and thank God for that because it wouldn't have been safe.
He saw them during that time very occasionally, at my house and supervised, and only after taking xanax and even with that I'd watch carefully and he'd have to leave when I could see it was wearing off.

You talk about 'safeguarding' risks yet you think that the one who should be looking after these kids now is the suicidal woman who is clearly not coping. You think being forced to cope will make her cope.

Test

@Carabelliana
It's nothing to do with my life, I already had empathy for people who have breakdowns before I even realised how little many people care when it's women.

Your comments are the childish ones, telling me to 'calm down' and making out it's just to do with my life because I didn't agree with you and I think you're giving dangerous advice. And I got plenty of thanks for my posts too.

You know nothing at all about this woman apart from what has just happened, you said yourself that there hasn't been one description of a previously happy life, yet you think it's unusual that she has a complete lack of resilience.

For all you know this woman could have been to hell and back previously and had to deal with many traumatic things in her life, or years of suffering in her marriage and always remained resilient and then this happened and she finally cracked.

Yes it may indeed have become a safeguarding issue if her family weren't around if she had a breakdown to the point she couldn't care for her children and had no support. No fucking shit.

And in that case she hopefully would have told her doctor and asked for help and support. Which some women do in fact do when they need it.

Should a woman (or man) feel ashamed if they can't cope looking after their kids but hide it? That would be an even bigger safeguarding risk

Should they keep trying to snap out of it by themselves when they can't? Or should they seek help?

You say you feel sorry for the children, yet your answer is that support needs to be removed and the mother needs to snap out of it basically, which has no guarantee of working, and which could make things worse for the children and lead to a bigger safeguarding risk.

My ex had a breakdown lasting for months after we split up. He didn't want to take the kids, and thank God for that because it wouldn't have been safe and I wouldn't have allowed it anyway.
He saw them during that time very occasionally, at my house and supervised, and only after taking xanax and even with that I'd watch carefully and he'd have to leave when I could see it was wearing off. There's no way he would have been able to snap out of it to look after the kids.

You talk about 'safeguarding' risks yet you think that the one who should be looking after these kids now is the woman who is clearly not coping. You think being forced to cope will make her cope. And then you talk about 'safeguarding'?

Excellent post @JaneAustensHeroine. You clearly know exactly what you’re talking about, having worked with people in a similar situation.

Treat someone like a victim & they become one.

I think I agree with KKloo

Try and understand this. Everyone's brain works differently and what shakes me, won't shake you. That's a truth. We will both face the same obstacles and come through it differently, and respond differently. That doesn't entitle you to trivialise the trauma others are experiencing because you believe it wouldn't affect you that way.

Significant life experience means I actually don't believe anyone comes away unscathed out of situations like this. You may gather your strength and carry on but find the event(s) are still influencing your decisions and responses even decades down the road. It's even possible the absent man in this equation is behaving the way he is due to some undisclosed previous history.

That's why it's important to process things as fully as possible at the time. The body isn't separate from the brain. It needs time.

kkloo
Please don't use this platform to vent the obvious frustration you have with your life, childishly demanding that I 'educate' myself. Your increasingly hysterical posts on this topic & attacks on me reveal a highly unattractive personality.

I'm entitled to give my opinion; I'm very sorry for this poor woman having been abandoned & the trauma she's suffering but the husband was not happy with something at home & I was thinking through why this could be. I totally agree he behaved appallingly.

We've not had one description from the OP of a previously happy family life which is strange. Removing the pets from the family home is strange. The complete lack of resilience is unusual for a mother when maternal instinct usually takes over, there's children to be guided through this awful time & taking away the pets & lying in bed for hours is not helping - it's the children I really feel sorry for here.

The family have all been marvellous with their support but it's too much & the safety net needs to be gentle removed. That's not being harsh it's being realistic, even the sister has questioned if the family are doing too much & yes they are. Treat someone like a victim & they become one. If the wider family had not been around & the woman had reacted like this for six weeks then this would become a safeguarding matter for the children being at risk in that environment.

The multiple thanks I've received for my posts evidence many readers agree with me.

Why are people making this a death v abandonment competition as though ‘not dying’ makes it better? The OP’s sister has experienced a significant trauma. We don’t expect to be abandoned without any warning. It is a massive change and a massive loss over which she has no control and no explanation. The fact her husband is alive doesn’t make it better. It’s a huge betrayal of trust and she may never get an explanation. He is still alive so she does not know if / when he might turn up or make contact / demand to see their children. She only has partial control. She doesn’t know what he might do next.

Getting on with life as she did previously may simply not be possible for a while. Trauma is disabling. The people I have worked with who experienced abandonment have all said that had the person died it would have made more sense.

💐 for everyone who has experienced loss, however it came about. My heart particularly goes out to anyone who has been left or abandoned though because of the associated shame, humiliation and lack of agency that comes with it and the attitude of some that ‘at least he didn’t die’.

Those saying it's not that bad, he didn't die...he did worse. He was a husband and a father actively abandoning all their plans, hopes and dreams. Everything in their lives has been thrown in the air and it will be months, if not years for some of it to land.

Trust will never be the same. His children, even if he sees them in the future, will know they can be abandoned by him.

OP, it's good you care, how is your sister?

The kids are the ones I feel so sorry for.
They will be so impacted by this.

Even though their 'Dad' is hopeless, he's all they know, and of course they are going to miss him terribly.

That is true...But he's unlikely to want to have three children with him now he has a new woman. They will cramp his style.

He's very unlikely to want complete custody.

This must be the most horrendous thing any parent can endure.

It's not a competition, but the sudden {or even 'expected'} loss of a Child of any age is way beyond a faithless husband leaving.

My lovely neighbours lost their son unexpectedly, about 30 years ago and they never got over his loss.

Plenty of women get over faithless husbands leaving them in the lurch.

I became very ill with autoimmune diseases after my son died suddenly. It was a horrific time. Trying to cope in order to support my other children probably made things a lot worse, but sometimes there is no choice.
OP, all you can do is keep helping as much as you can. Enlist as much support from elsewhere as you possibly can. Try and deal with the most urgent stuff first and get professional and legal help.
I am so sorry this has happened.

I've come back to this as there are so many comments from people who frankly don't understand trauma and have clearly never experienced it. In my case, which I posted about earlier in the thread, I explained how utterly horrific the trauma was for me in a similar situation. However as a lone parent to a disabled child I had no choice but to get on. There has to come a point where you need to get up and "do". It's not easy and I'm sure OP is doing her best to encourage her sister. I do agree that she has to get out of the fog for her children if nothing else. However, it is not easy by any means and people should not make judgement unless you've walked that mile.

I stand by what I said.

She needs to find that fight.

Let's say he rocks up tomorrow. She's lying in bed. Has been for six weeks. Turns up with new partner. House a mess. Kids screaming daddy. Think of the end line. The worst a person can be.
Does he use that against her. She's not a fit parent. His initial message even says I can't do this anymore. What if he twists all that. Makes her the bad one. Needed to escape. Fuck that.

Yes this is absolutely awful but he has not died and he has proved himself to be the lowest of the low so she NEEDS to take control before he does.

@kkloo

Spot on. Women cope and it comes with illness. My mothers immune system went rabid on her.

I hope you’re in a better place now 💖

People are not seeing the context behind this ladies collapse. This man has not been good for years, she’s likely recovering from an abusive situation simultaneously. Now the healing for both herself and her children starts.

It’s clear you have absolutely no idea about depression and trauma then. Their mum cannot be present right now. She needs to come back to earth first. Her identity has been shattered.

The children are lucky to have family that care around, they are learning strength themselves right now. They will heal as their mother will.

I’ll agree with you on one point, OP is right to encourage

Yep couldn't be more true. I got extremely physically unwell due to prolonged periods of intense stress and trauma. I was so used to shutting down my emotions that it all came out as physical illness.

Even when I went for trauma therapy (EMDR) I wasn't really a suitable candidate because I'm so used to shutting down trauma as it arises that I wasn't able to sit with the memory in order to work through it. I'd just dust myself off and laugh and say I'm fine now. The therapist was like 'no' 😂

Women are far more likely to develop autoimmune disorders as a result of stress than men are!

I have always said that when I see women going missing and no foul play was suspected that I bet she's been crying out for help and support for a long time but no one gave a flying fuck and just expected her to get on with things.
@NameChangeUser183794639 mentioned that some women don't tell anyone they're struggling because of fear of judgement etc and that's true for some, but there are others who try to be proactive when they're struggling and ask for a bit of support and they get zero! or people decide oh well you should be better now so get over it!

She probably would have got on with it and her mental health would have taken a massive hit as a result, probably meaning that she developed stress related disease at some point. But pay that no mind, just carry on victim blaming.

Exactly, she is in shock and the depressive stage is kicking in. There will be anger, bargaining with herself that he may come home, all sorts of emotions.

OP keep doing what you are doing, keep encouraging her to go outside for a walk, lots of light and good food. She’s lucky to have you.

If she had broken legs would you say the same?

People can’t just snap out of depression and trauma as easily as you may think.

She has been completely emotionally destabilised.

Please. Just stop. OP's sister DOES fortunately have a loving extended family.

I say this as someone who was formerly widowed and had supportive family around me.

Please give this woman some grace.

Because the answer is likely to be - she'd be going through the motions like a robot and then probably having a breakdown further down the line. Humans are not designed to live alone, nor to parent alone. Some people have to, and it's often fucking tough.