My sister’s husband has made her ill

👏🏻

@Setroinh I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing?.

I agree with pp that counselling etc. is a good idea but maybe too early. .

Your Brother, and your family, are doing the best thing by giving practical help.

I appreciate you are trying to help by suggesting cinema etc. but this will be impossible for your DS at the moment. The biggest help is the practical stuff, letting her talk when she is ready (don’t feel you have to offer solutions).

I would be taking things really slow and low level, even cleaning her teeth, having a shower will seem like climbing Mount Everest. Mentally she will need to summon up so much energy just to do these simple personal care tasks which is why she is staying in bed.

Mind may have some useful information https://www.mind.org.uk

The other important thing is for you and your family to also look after your own mental health. This has been a shock for all of you and the future suddenly looks very different. It is so nice that you have all rallied round and are so supportive, that is worth so much.

Gently, your sister is reacting entirely normally to a very abnormal event. Unless this has tipped her into a mental health crisis she doesn't need a psychiatrist, you can't medicate your bway out or profound loss, trauma and grief. I'm slightly dismayed she's been given sertraline tbh. The physical manifestation of trauma and loss are what your seeing. Not sleeping, no appetite, very tearful, struggling to carry out normal daily activities it's all 'normal'. She needs your support and help with daily tasks, she needs you to reassure her that her feelings and actions are understandable and she needs time..... It's brutal. Of course it goes without saying that her ex is a total and utter grade a shit. Marriages end, people have affairs, but to walk out on your wife and kids without any communication or thought is despicable. I hope the lawyer is a grade A bulldog who ensured your diss gets a decent settlement and I hope the ex is dumped by the new squeeze

Her medication is also possibly making her feel even worse. I’d get that checked on Monday.

Please don’t pull back.
She won’t magically recover. The children will simply be referred to social services, as she can’t cope. And abandoning her in this state will be more than she can bear.

It’s very early days.

You are all doing a wonderful job supporting her - it doesn’t sound like anything more practically can be done to help at this point - just be there for her - a presence, a hug, even if it’s sitting in silence, you don’t have to be ‘doing’ to be helping. The company will be great while she is grieving the loss of her marriage and also companionship - the loneliness and shock will be huge. You could also ask her whats helpful and what’s not.

Counselling may also help, I’d suggest a talking therapy as opposed to CBT, she would probably benefit from a more in depth relationship with the counsellor - CBT is very practical and in all honesty ‘homework’ and practical tasks for changing behaviour might be too much. Just opening up, talking and processing would be a more helpful start.

I don’t agree you are doing the wrong thing by helping too much. This sort of thing can end in someone taking their own lives. If she is that distraught she needs as much help as she can get. Sorry to be blunt. She will pull through and I don’t believe the tough love stuff life has been tough enough on this women she doesn’t need to feel guilty for not grieving right too.

I don’t know the living situation but can’t she move in with family? Come out of the family business start a new job, new life somewhere. He isn’t coming back by looks of it and being in the same place is what I described to friends is like being stuck in a time and place where it feels they could come home at any minute and this makes it harder to move on. Her house is filled with memories and his stuff. She needs a new start this could start with a hobby, job, training in something new. New home.

Moving away from all the legal stuff that needs to be done as detailed previously. The antidepressant will take a while to kick in.

Spa day, etc is way, way too ambitious. Try a few little things - like a nice clean sweater, like looking out the window at the birds for a few minutes or a spoon of ice cream. If she can't get out of bed maybe read to her for a bit. It is going to be baby steps. Start really small.

It is a lot like a bereavement , and a sudden unexpected one. The effects of shock are horrendous.
The only being able to do one thing is very common after a bereavement. It took me well over a year to be able to do more than one thing. I could go to the supermarket ( which to be fair was 25 km away) but I had to go straight home afterwards. Early on I spent hours in bed. There’s nothing you can do except listen, be patient and don’t give up on her, (I’m sure you won’t ) it will be tough going for a long while.
At some time your sister will find her anger, but it can take months. I’m not sure if any sort of counselling is helpful this early on but it’s essential she talks to her doctor and encourage her to keep talking to you.
The children’s school may be able to help with talking therapy for them. If you’d like me to start calling some of the charities I remember from my widows group I’m happy to ask for advice/ ideas for you. Just message me.

I had similar happen to me at the end of last year. My ex upped and left after Christmas. My kids were a mess for months and so was I. I am still struggling but it does get easier.

It transpired he was seeing someone from work and within months they were together and he made her his business partner before sorting anything legal with the house and kids.

The reason he isn’t speaking to her because there is someone else. He has to block his old life out to be able to have a new one. He may appear not to care or understand what he’s done but he will be filled with shame and the way these men deal with it is to completely blank and compartmentalise.

If he talks to her and his kids he will have to think about what he’s done. Be held accountable and these men are cowards. They want you to go crazy so they can go see! This is why I had to go.
This is what my ex did.

Over the next few months it will be two steps forward one step back. More stuff will come out and each time it does she will break down but what I didn’t have and what she does is a supportive family so if I’m here ploughing through with my girls she will get there. But the first few months are in absolute denial, shock to process it.

Make her food. Watch series with her. Help with the kids as much as you can. She will get there.

However awful this might seem right now she is so lucky to have you all. One day she will heal from this horrendous experience and be stronger for it. Right now, sleeping is protective. It’s what her body needs to recover - it is giving her a break from her reality.

Plesae take time to look after yourselves too, it will start to take its toll. Organise a rota. Get everyone on board. Organise shopping deliveries. Cleaning. Whatever you can afford to out source. You are a wonderful family, she will be okay 💗

@Setroinh your sister is very lucky to have such a lovely family!!! I wa recently in a similar position. Exdp walked out of the house one Sunday evening and I have never seen or heard from him again. I only know he is alive because he had forgotten his apple account password and my email is the recovery account so it pinged me an email to tell me the password was reset.

It is anawful position to be in. He had been stepdad to my dd since she was quite young and I had no words to explain to her what had happened because I had no idea.

People above are correct. It is grief and it is all consuming. She will get there!!!

Help her get ready to fight back!

It will take time. Let her sleep. I had a similar loss, but it was my mum who up and disappeared. I’ll be completely honest. It took me about 2-3 years to fully recover. Obviously, I didn’t spend the whole time in bed! But I was a shell of myself just going through the motions keeping myself and everyone else alive. I spent a lot of days in a dark room sleeping though.

If money can be pulled together, I cannot recommend therapy enough. I went weekly for 6 months. It was invaluable. It was really validating to talk to a neutral third party (not my friends and family) and have her tell me that it was okay to feel all the feelings. It made me not feel like the crazy one. She will not want to do spa days or cinema trips. Rest, bit of fresh air and movement, healthy food and time to process is what she needs most. When she’s ready, solicitor and getting the practical stuff together.

This is exactly what I'd be doing

Breakups are the worst. But she needs to get it together for the sake of her kids. Perhaps try and talk some sense into her. Tell her to grieve the relationship, but set a date and try to let it go for the sake of the kids. Time will heal. Perhaps it might help her to seek professional help and to read some books about breakups and moving on. Get her excited about life again....is there anything that she loves? Perhaps plan something to look forward to in the future.

Yes it is. 6 weeks is nothing really.

What a selfish cowardly horrible little man. Your DSis and her kids deserve so much more.

It sounds like you and your family are doing really well. Your DSis will need time. As a PP said, at some point the shit will turn up and cause emotional havoc. It would be better if your DSis is prepared for this, including by having seen a solicitor to understand her rights etc.

Sending huge hugs to all of you

Your poor sister, all you can do is support her.
Similar happened to my DSis, her DhH walked out on the day they were to start ivf - he'd refused any testing of his fertility, allowed her to go through all the invasive tests ( all clear) but couldn't do it on the day
She fell to pieces in a very similar way & we all rallied around her. After denying the (obvious) to her for almost yrs suddenly it came out he'd been having an affair all along, couldn't deny any lonngr cos his all his colleagues knew his (not so) new woman was pregnant.
My DSis also had problems with severe anxiety/depression, actually the turning point was her knowing he was just a lying b**d & there wasn't anything she could do to change that.
He gaslighted her over the whole thing & made her seem nuts to colleagues.
He belatedly realised she spent many hours helping him keep his work up to standard he wasn't capable of himself. He made her socially isolated (not from family thankfully, as we could see summat was up).
10 yrs later & he's still in the same job, renting still & divorced again.
She has a new partner, her social life is thriving ( as it was before they met) & her career has blossomed.
Be there for your sister & I truly hope she has as good an ending to her story.

I’d carry in all the stuff you are doing if you can
Then

• review ADs with GP
• Get her some counselling

Who cares if the selfish bastard is depressed??? Honestly, I despair at some posts

This is completely normal.

We are 11 months on, yes this is entirely our experience.

She has had the kind of shock that is similar to a sudden death. It is a sudden death, the life and husband she thought she had has died overnight.

Gone forever. Her life has disintegrated and it will take time.
A very long time.

Your sister needs counselling to try and process the loss. She is not mentally unwell, just utterly bereaved and devastated.

Look at the stages of grief, this is almost precisely what she will go through. If you have the man power try and stay with her for the next month or two. She will emerge eventually, and she will start to process what has happened to her. It’s a long road back but she has an incredible family - so lovely to read what you are all doing for her.

It will be okay op. Just keep going,

Can't the children's grandmother see how bereft they are and persuade him to get in touch?
What kind of man does that to his children?

Awful situation. First of all, prepare drinks and soups for her; finger foods and biscuits / crackers that she can snack on and which take no preparation. Counselling / therapy may help but if you can encourage her to do something for herself every day that will also support her recovery - a shower, hair wash, brushing teeth, hair cut, change of clothes. These are small things but they are acts of self-care she can build on.

Small goals. Her attention span will be shot to pieces and she will be exhausted so even if you can support her with doing a few small things each day that will help and can build up towards a trip out for coffee or to the shop.

Most of all, be there for her. At the end of the phone. Let her talk if and when she wants to. She has experienced an enormous shock and healing will take time.

I have seen antidepressants work very well in cases like this. They take a bit of time to kick in (4-6 weeks) they do help a lot of people get through the darkest phase.

Look after yourselves. 💐 for you both.