My sister’s husband has made her ill

Some really fantastic posts on here and some from people who clearly don’t have a clue about shock / trauma.

Just because he isn’t dead doesn’t make the situation any easier. Death can usually be explained, we all know it’s going to happen to us. We can’t necessarily explain a partner’s behaviour especially if it comes out of the blue. We also don’t expect a partner to leave us in such a sudden and callous way.

You are doing all you can OP. It will take time but she will get there. You can’t rush it or force it but one day she may well agree to go to the shop or for a coffee with you. One day she may get up and have a shower without prompting. In the meantime, let her go through this in her own time and, if things don’t improve, contact her GP and let them know so they can review her medication. There are lots of options with medication so if one doesn’t work, another might.

seriously? the first freaking answer? is to worry about the poor ol' bloke.

OP - i think if your sister is only managing one thing a day, suggestions of spa days are too much for her. Just getting her out for a coffee, lunch, a walk in the park, or a cup of tea and a chat might be a better start.

Also shocked at this post - SO cruel. 6 weeks is hardly any time.

Op's sister has been suicidal.

Not everyone copes with tragedy the same way and not everyone grieves in the same way.

What is it with these idiot men?
There is another similar thread on here but the OP in that thread does not have any of the help you are able to provide your DS.
PS edited to correct spelling

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5169420-husband-abandoned-me-and-two-kids-by-text-message-and-emigrated-to-new-zealand?page=18&reply=138956545

I personally would be losing my patience with her.
This poor child.

He isn’t dead, he’s just left her and no matter how hurt she is she needs to be getting it together for her child.

6 weeks is long enough to get over the initial shock.
Now it’s just a long, slow process of coming to terms with it, being angry, sad, hurt etc.

I think it’s great that you are all so supportive but you are enabling her behaviour.

If she doesn’t want to eat, then that’s her choice.

If she cannot look after her child, then SS needs to be involved.

You’ve tried one way of being overly supportive and now it’s time to start backing off, so she can start leading a more normal life again and her poor child can also start living a more normal life again.

İf your poor sister has been contemplating suicide then the last thing she needs is tough love. She's hurting and struggling because of something so hard being placed on her, so she doesnt need anyone coming down any harder on her.
Just keep riding it out with her and let your support be as unwavering as possible. She will get there eventually. Maybe also get some counselling as well, to help you whilst you're helping her. My mum had a mental breakdown when I was younger and having other family take over, helped it to be less impactful. I think kids need to see that when life can really hurt that their mum will come through it in their own time, and they've got all of you around them.

Just as a warning, men who do things like this often have (half hearted) regrets and attempt to return. Usually when the ex is beginning to get themselves together. If it happens, that will be a really vulnerable moment for your sister and he will go again. Be on the lookout for it.

Hey op - just wanted to second the pp who have mentioned sertraline being inappropriate (& it won't be the reason for her sleeping either). It takes too long, for a situation like this, to work AND can make things worse before it gets better (for some people). It will not be helping her.

Fwiw, that man sounds like an absolute prick & thank goodness she has family like you all.

Some tough advice from @Mabs49 and @turkeymuffin - I would not agree with all of it but the gist is absolutely correct. Life can throw us some horrible curveballs, but at some point one has to get up, focus and do what needs to be done.

6 weeks is not a long time to grieve over such a huge loss, but it is long enough to get to a point where self preservation ought to take over.

@Setroinh - your sister will cope better, and her and her children's future will be more secure, if she starts focusing on the many practical issues she will need to address. Chief of which is sorting out her financial situation and talking to an experienced family solicitor.

Completely agree.
Reactive depression is natural for a shock like this- It’s going to hurt and it takes many months to process it.

What a bum move for the husband to have made.
Too many men run out on young children literally leaving the woman “holding the babies”

He needs to be paying bills and other stuff.
What a cowardly thing to have done.

Men are shit. This man is very shit. The sooner she realises that the better.

She needs to be better. 6 weeks is a really long time. He isn't dead, he's left her. It happens every day and she needs to pull herself together for the sake of the kids.

It's great she has your support but this needs to be directed at empowering her to recover, not allowing the wallowing to continue. She's teaching her kids a dreadful lesson here.

She will need to give rolling notice at her children’s school if she’s not sure she can pay three lots of school fees long-term.

Yes learned helplessness is a thing, but this isn’t an example of it. Her life has been turned upside down, she’s in shock and essentially grieving - this is a NORMAL response.
SHE isn’t the one ‘hurting the children’ HE is.

She’s not on her own though is she? She has family helping her and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. At some point she will of course pick herself up and regain control but a ‘good talking too’ isn’t going to solve this.

I would imagine she has PTSD. Bless her. X.

Fully agree, @Mabs49

Too much time to dwell isn't helpful any more. Practicalities need attention. And
seeing mum in this state isn't helpful to the kids, especially if they are going into hysteria themselves.

What did the lawyer suggest as next steps?

She needs to go and talk to her gp

I agree. I realize she is suffering from bereavement but many of us have been bereaved and back at work the following week. She has three children to look out for. She needs to accept reality at some point and take charge of her life.

Could you find grief counseling locally? Maybe even phone a mortuary and ask for a list; perhaps there are some low-cost or pro bono counselors / groups?

Does she work? What's her employer been saying?

She has a pretty big support network compared to many people, so things could be worse. It doesn't sound as though he is coming back.

I'd suggest her reaction is hurting the children. I don't mean to be unkind but it's her being resilient that will show them that they can be resilient.

If she keeps breaking down in front of them and being horrified at changing school and losing their dad, they'll just do exactly the same.

She has to be strong for her children or they'll have issues for life.

I'd suggest that she gets some counselling asap and possibly some coaching. She needs to hold a vision of what a new life looks like and make peace with letting go of this one.

I know she's in shock but at some point she has to pull her big girl pants up and say OK, this is it, do I keep crumbling or do I fight for a good life for me and my kids.

I hope she reaches the anger stage before too long.

I'll probably be flamed for this message but she kind of needs a big of taking in hand and told to get on with things and start to be pragmatic.

There's a thing called learned helplessness.

Imagine if she was on her own, and was an only child. She'd need to just get on with it.

Perhaps she has too much time to dwell on things.

The kids will cope, if she will cope. And she has to start to cope somehow.

Honestly I sometimes think romantic love is such a crock of shit. It sets us so many many of us to fail much of the time in such painful ways.

She needs some mental health support asap. Pay privately for counselling would be my advice.

She needs to get into action mode. If she can't afford the mortgage and the children's school she needs to make plans for that, and also get a job. Which I appreciate is easy for someone to say when they are jot in complete and total shock.

Your poor sister. What a spineless t* her husband is.

So sorry to hear you sister, neices/nephews and the rest of your family are going through such a terrible time. Sorry I have no advice but, just to say, you sound like a lovely, supportive family and I'm sure all you are all doing for her is crucial to getting her back on her feet. Trust your instincts that she needs you, you know her best. You're all doing your best by the sounds of it and all the luck in the world to her in moving past this with as little long term damage as possible to all involved (except him, obviously!).

I second this - small steps for your sister.

Also, I think one of the best ways to support your sister is by helping her children-both practically and emotionally.

Have his family divulged anything to yours?

Thank goodness she has you and your love and care. The fact that you are there for her throughout this traumatic and life changing event will help her immeasurably . Remember to take care of yourself too,