Younger brother never pays his way

Tell him. Stop babying him. Just tell him it is time for him to step up.

Learning to say no, and carry it through, will be the most powerful thing you can do.

OP - My family also had a golden child / scapegoat dynamic going on, so I know how much it fucks you up. You are gaslighted into believing that this is OK and normal to some extent, but it isn't.

The golden child in my family was given a car, holidays, cash gifts. None of which were ever offered to me. But I was expected to help financially when 'needed'. It took me a long time to recognise it for what it was.

I strongly recommend therapy.

And next time there's any kind of bill to pay, pay your share, and leave it at that. Your mum can fund your brother as much as she wants, but you need to refuse to play a part in perpetuating it. If she hints/asks for money because she's hard up, tell her she needs to charge your brother rent/bills, because you have no money to give. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Your mum's financial situation is a choice she has made - and it's not your responsibility.

@Aandespine you need boundaries, hard ones, in place right now. Your priority is your children and your husband. The other adults in your origin family can look after themselves, as they are competent adults.

I agree with the previous poster who said to WhatsApp him now and ask for half of the money.

So? You can tell him you’re not paying his bill and he needs to pay for himself.

I think you need therapy because this isn’t normal. You need help.

Stitched up sounds about right!

(Typo corrected now)

Exactly this. Others have enabled him to to be this person and likely encouraged it too.

That doesn't mean that it should continue at all and needs to stop now. It is madness, others should not struggle financially to accommodate him.

Quilted into it??

Stitched up you mean??
😂

I'm guessing she was guilted into it, maybe by the mum as well as her brother

Your mum knows that he owns a house mortgage free, and she also know you rent. But she sat there and let you pay because he's her golden child.

All this "didn't want my mum to since I know she's also struggling financially" stuff is absolute nonsense. She is actively choosing to struggle financially rather than charge her golden boy rent/bills.

Aside from the money, why did you take such control of his house buying process? He’s an adult. I would have found it totally bizarre if my sister had sorted out loans for me when I bought our house

Does he have a girlfriend or do they run when they realise he's a freeloader,

Does he ever get you anything for your birthday or Christmas, out of curiosity?

"I have been very blunt in the past."

Why only in the past, OP? The situation persists!

"I've told him I'm not working, I'm a SAHM, have no income, I've even been explicit about the amount I have in my account at times"

All good, but have you actually pointed out to him that he's an entitled, cheeky fucker and there's no reason he should expect the women around him to pay his way like he's a baby.

"but he still doesn't get it."

He absolutely does get it.

He gets it and he's very happy with it - he is counting on you not making a fuss so he continues to get paid for. He doesn't care that you can't afford it.

You need to start refusing, point blank, either to pay for him when the time comes, or - if that's too hard - to go anywhere with him that will require payment.

He wants to go for dinner? You say, "No, DB - I can't do that because you never pay your way, and Mum and I can't afford, and don't want, to pay for you."

I know it's hard to challenge bare-faced cheeky fuckers, but it's time to hoik the big-girl pants up.

I would bet my mortgage that there has always been a golden child / black sheep dynamic going on in the OP's family. I beg a lot of responsibility and blame was heaped on the OP from a young age.

This is definitely not just the brother's fault.

I don't understand why you're allowing him to do this, you don't need to cause a scene, just tell him before you go out you can't afford to pay for him and just pay for yourself. If he can't cover it for any reason he can't go, don't jump in. You're going to have to put your big girl pants on and say no, he doesn't pay because you just do it. No hinting just say no.

@Aandespine I moved out young, had a lot of financial commitments towards my mum/siblings. what does this mean?? were you paying the bills for everyone in the whole family????? were you the only one who worked??? how many siblings do you have???

Oh God it has to stop now, he is one of life's takers and that is not a good way to be. Take this as the final wake up call and also do what a PP suggested and directly ask him for his share/half the cost of the meal.

OP - the fact that you say you had financial obligations towards your mum/siblings makes it sound as though your mum is hard up.

But she can't possibly be hard up if she is letting your brother live at home rent free and without contributing to the bills, can she? If she was genuinely short, she could charge him rent and utilities, but she chooses not to. He's 30, so this setup has been going on for a long time - a decade?

And if she isn't hard up enough to need to charge your brother rent, why are you even paying her bill in the cafe, let alone your brother's?

Both your mum and your brother are mugging you off, and have been for years. Your mum has financial options (charging your brother rent) that she chose not to pursue because she knew you'd pick up the slack.

That house your brother bought? You indirectly paid for that.

You need to find your anger about this.

You have two choices. Put up with it or put a stop to it. If you keep paying for him you lose the right to complain about it. If you put a stop to it problem solved.