Younger brother never pays his way

Stop paying his bills?

It sounds like your parents and your self have enabled this entitled attitude. Stop hinting and have an open heart to heart and ask why he doesn’t pull his weight financially. He is a man child, will he ever stand on his own two feet? Time to step back and stop enabling. Maybe you could have paid for yourself and your mum when eating and not paid for his meal. You need to make a massive point and leave him to pay his way and stop hinting.

Whether he lives with your mum or not is neither here nor there
you just need to explain next time your out before you go that he will need to pay his share
he’s probably very used to this so you need to just say something
he’s not a monster as someone suggested . Just make it clear

Go to the toilet when the bill arrives, shouting loudly across the table that brother is paying for you both, as you paid last time. End of.

You have created this situation.

you have to be blunt and tell him you will not be bankrolling him anymore.

Why did you do all the stuff for him with buying the house & how much did you put into that on his behalf. Why is he not living in it?

Im completely gobsmacked by this.

Send a quick message the day before you next meet up "Hi XXXX, Really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know in advance so there's no embarrassment tomorrow that I won't be able to foot the bill for you. As you know, I'm not working at the moment and money is really tight so going forward everyone will need to pay their own share. Hope you understand. Love XXXX"

He owns a house mortgage free at 30 but lives rent free with your mum who's struggling financially

Ooookay

My personal rule is if I know someone is in financial difficulty (like your mum) we don't invite them to go anywhere together for food/day out if I can't afford to pay for both of us. And people like your brother who expects to be paid for we sent the expectation beforehand that they'll pay. "We're going to x on Sunday the cost is y if you're willing to pay that and you'd like to come let me know"

For goodness sake stop paying for everything, Tell him he needs to start paying his way especially if you all go out again.

Why don't you just say no?

But she’s not right to continue on doing it when she has 3 kids and she isn’t working so the money she is spending is families money from her husband, to support HIS family. Her, her kids and himself. It is not to spend on her feckless brother and idiot mother… yet, she is.

Her family do not have the spare money do be doing this.

Because it’s her bloody mother and a mother shouldn’t be enabling one child to the detriment of another child. Her mum has set the precedent from early on that brother is golden and special and that has just continued, her mum has let her down. And there may be reasons why , abuse, her own childhood but that’s not the op’s fault. She’s right to be bloody angry with her mum.

Yes let them get on with it

It sounds like you have supported your db in the past and have missed out on buying your own house.

If anything he should be supporting you financially or paying you back

So let her. Let her carry on the way she is. It’s nothing to do with you. Don’t try to save her, don’t rescue her when she goes to pay his bills. You have 3 kids on one salary. Surely your husband and your kids deserve the money (your husband earns) more than your mother and brother do.

Your brother has a huge disposable income. He is not your problem. Your mother is an adult who makes her own choices and has other options if she needs money (like getting your brother to pay his way).

Leave them to it. Only pay for yourself and your kids. When you orders say right at the start “put this on a separate bill” then rattle off your order. Don’t ask permission. Just say it. If they question, you simply say, “I’m a SAHM and we don’t have the extra money to pay for you.” Then grey rock.

The OP doesn’t seem to have any problems putting her own mother down for they way she deals with this man and finances. Whilst the OP does the exact same thing herself…

And it actually is helpful to see how incredulous the rest of the world is to your actions, as the OP said herself, she didn’t realise how ridiculous the whole thing was until she saw what people were saying about it.

And if you are overdrawn now, just text him and say, "Hi, I need to ask you to transfer £x for dinner the other day as unfortunately, I am now overdrawn."

Don't ask for a bank transfer. He won't do it.

Just saying you are skint will fall on deaf ears.

"I'm not paying for you because I am skint" is better.

Or just stop meeting them in cafes or anywhere where there is an expectation of you putting your hand in your pocket.

Visit your mum at her house instead. Or if they come to you make sure it isn't over a meal time.

They take advantage of you because you allow it, and only you can put a stop to it. What does your husband say?

OP, I have a relative like this who would always expect my husband and I to pay for everything. I really don't know why she is like this. Basically, the only way to deal with these people is to just name it with them - "Your round" or "We'll be splitting the bill please" or "Yes you're welcome to join us, but we will not be able to pay for you as well." Just say it to their face. People can only exploit you for as long as you let them.

Also I’m sure your mum could pay for her own sandwich too

I’d message him on the family chat if you have one.

Hi Jack, please can you send me the £22 from your meal at the cafe the other day.

when you’re at the cafe again and he’s there say very firmly:
‘jack do you want to pay cash for yours or bank transfer it me? ’ have that full expectation that he is paying at all times. He can choose how but don’t leave the cafe until he’s sent it.

@singleandproud

Stop hinting and actually ask for what you want.

This, 100%.

It's a simple communication problem and you can easily solve it, if you choose to.

TBH I think your Mum has been financially and emotionally abusing you in favour of her son.

She is the parent. She has enabled her Prince and has persuaded you to play along at the expense of your children's, as well as your, wellbeing.

Your relationship with your Mum is very unbalanced. She doesn't care about you, just your brother. You've been a walking ATM for her.

Sorry to be harsh but I want you to see the truth.

You've been used horribly by your Mum and brother, but she is more responsible for the abuse.

@Ivehearditbothways and have you thought that putting people down or telling them it’s obvious etc… is NEVER helpful?

If you genuinely want to help, then think about what you say and the way you say it.
And if the idea is just to make you feel better by releasing all your frustrations, anger at the world/life/partner/whatever, stop using the OP and I dint know, use journaling instead so you dint hurt anyone else in the process?

How can you be so judgemental of your mum not holding him to account and getting decent rent etc from him, and getting into debt just was of asking him, when you did the exact same thing?
You went into your overdraft rather than telling him to pay for his own lunch. I mean… it’s staggering. You’re a grown women with kids, and you’re not working. But rather than opening your mouth and telling your brother to order his own food, you went into your overdraft…. Then you judge your mother. That’s not on.

You didn’t even have to ask him, you could have just gone up and ordered for you and your kids. Leave your mum to do what she wants and leave your brother to do what he wants. If your mum pays for him then that’s on her. Stop giving her money, stop helping her. Just repeat, “I have my own family now and I’m a SAHM. We don’t have spare money. My brother is a single man with a job and rental income, the two of you have to work out your own finances and leave me out of it.”

Have you taken the suggestion of therapy seriously?