SIL used my baby name

You're right, it was badly worded, sorry for being insensitive @Elle989898

I think that there is something particularly hurtful about the use of your dream baby name. It is easy for people to say that it’s just a name and you don’t own a name. But it hurts at a deep level. And maybe that is unreasonable, but I get it, op.

We can't help how we feel so YANBU to feel upset/ disappointed but she is also NBU to use the name, especially given you hadn't disclosed it to her.

Do you think you could have worded that better given the OP has said she has no living children?

Prior to this I thought you were unreasonable but this changes it. They should left it for you.

In families where it's common (I hesitate to use "tradition" because I think these things usually aren't actually formalized) to name babies after relatives, it's also common to have multiple people in the extended family with a particular name (either first or middle). My paternal grandfather's middle name is my father's first name and two of my cousin's middle names, and 3 of my cousins and one of my siblings have given that name to their own children as either a first or middle name. My Grandmother has a double first name and it was used in part or whole at least 4 times in the next two generations. There's just less feeling of sole ownership I think. On the other hand one of my cousins named a child a non-family name that her youngest sister had repeatedly expressed a love for and it was a thing.

I'd love to hear what OP's husband thinks of his new nephew having his middle name. It's his name, his sister, and his family tradition after all.

No wonder you’re confused! That’s a mightily confusing way if setting it out!

In short, the new baby has the coveted name as his first name that he will use day to day and be known as.

But the tradition is to use the baby’s father’s name, not the uncle’s.

I’d normally say just go for it anyway and she couldnt have known, but the established family tradition changes things. I think she’s been really insensitive. At best, incredibly thoughtless.

She’s already had the opportunity to follow the tradition by naming a child after her husband. She would have known that you would want to the same if you ever had a son. She could’ve chosen her own dads name, her husband’s dads name or any of the other billion boy names out there.

it would (rightly or wrongly) also make me feel as though she doesn’t think we’ll be successful in the future so was giving her brother a chance to be honoured as it might not work out for you two.

Very sorry for your losses and hope you get the family you are hoping for one day. If you do have a son it will still be so special for him to have his fathers name and will carry a different meaning than with his nephew. Best of luck.

I believe they’ve named their child (the equivalent in your example) “David”

I'm sorry for your losses. In the circumstances I don't think you should hesitate to use the name yourself if the opportunity comes along and you still want to.

I'm not sure why you only point the finger at your SIL and not also her DH?

That aside, you've said they didn't know so of course YABU. But then again they could have thought their decision through given they had used the husbands middle name for the first baby.

Just use the name when your time comes. No one owns a name. I'm sorry you're having a shit time OP.

If it’s family tradition that the baby takes the father’s middle name then yes, under the circumstances, this is very insensitive. I hope you have your own baby and carry on the tradition if that’s what you choose to do.

I agree op. If she knew you liked the name it’s a bit heartless. If it’s an innocent mistake, I don’t think you are BU, but equally neither is she.

I might think differently if it was the baby’s uncle’s first name: I think that essentially “belongs” to her brother to use his own first name for his own son and she would be overstepping regardless .

All that aside, I wish you great positive vibes on you ttc journey and hope to see you back here on a “can’t choose a baby name” thread soon - perhaps even for a little girl which will sidestep the awkwardness anyway.

Deep down - and it’s completely understandable - I think some of the hurt will be that they are having a baby at all. That feels like something people ttc have to suppress ( and yet I’ve known so many to feel that way) and I suspect some of your upset around the name might be a transferred pain, as it were - something you feel you are “ entitled” to feel hurt about. Just allow yourself feelings op - and this is a great place to share them.

If it's family tradition, personally I would just do it anyway.

My family is a culture where the absolute norm is that the eldest son of the eldest son is named after the baby's grandfather. But lots of other people also use the name as a sign of respect and nothing is thought of it.

I think name ownership in families causes utterly pointless heartache.

I don't think you should feel at all awkward about it, and if trouble is made simply say that was always the plan, and just as it never occurred to them to ask your permission, vice versa.

Good luck with your fertility journey. I was in your shoes. Just horrific. Many years later I have three beautiful children. I hope your dreams are answered too.

Whilst a name is a name and anyone can use it, did you ask your brother first? Maybe he wanted his child to have that name, and now it’s weird for him to do that.

No you didn’t have to ask him or his parter, but I would have.

I think you're projecting your pain around baby loss and conception difficulties onto your sister in law. I don't doubt that it's very painful for you, I know the pain myself, but she's entitled to name her baby as she chooses.

So the family tradition is that the baby takes his father’s middle name as their first name which she did with DC1. Then if you also followed the tradition it would be expected that your child will be called DS’s middle name which is what she has named DC2? If so then I think she has been insensitive. There are thousands of other nice names she could have called him none of which would be a reminder of your much wanted child. YANBU.

Wishing you all the best in the future with TTC.

She maybe thought she would be insensitive to ask given that you have had sad losses. Sorry OP but she was reasonable to use her brothers name but it's understandably difficult for you.

I don’t understand the problem? Just name the child after your dh!

I'm very sorry for the hard time you are having. Have been there myself. But maybe look at it this way. My dad was a great uncle so numerous cousins are named for him. Some as a first name some as a middle name. My sibling used his name as a middle name for her 5 sons. I would have but I have a girl. Now there are great grand children and guess what they have his name as a middle name. It didn't make it less special I promise. if anything I think it makes it more special.

Maybe look at it from another view. She could have used his middle name as a way of trying to honor him in his nephews life as someone super important to him and in her own way try and alleviate some pain of the losses all be it in a way that isn't what you two wanted.

I would never in a million years check with anyone else before using my brother's middle name (or any other name!). I also wouldn't be bothered if my child had the same name as their younger cousin. You can still use the name if the opportunity arises ;)

This comes up so often... no one owns a name, my oldest two cousins, Michael, were born within a year, no one died & my family still speak with each other

I'm sorry to hear of your fertility struggles, but I really don't see why you cannot still use the name when you (hopefully) get the opportunity in the future.

The name hasn't been taken from you. It's still there.