SIL used my baby name

It’s her brothers name, I think it’s sweet that she wanted to use to for a middle name.

A baby in our family has the same middle name as my dad and brother - they were thrilled.

I voted YANBU to feel hurt. Only someone with a heart of stone could think you weren't. She's had the one thing you are longing for and then used the name that you want to call your son. If she knew that was your hope then she's been very unkind to do so without discussing with you. If she didn't know then that's better as not malicious or unfeeling.

I hope you do have a child and I would still use the name.

Your son having the same name as his cousin won't matter at all. Even in the unlikely event they end up lifelong friends, spending lots of time together, you wouldn't think anything of it if he had the same name as a close friend who wasn't a relative. And in my experience most people don't spend much time with their cousins beyond the stage when they're children who go everywhere their parents go. Possibly I'm unusual but I haven't seen mine since my grandad's funeral 25 years ago.

Can you use it as a second name ? It's not the end of the world.

My son and his cousin both have my husband's name as their middle name. The cousin is older and my husband took it as a compliment that they used his name.
I'm sorry for your losses and wish you all the best x

I think it is perfectly reasonable to be sad as you are mourning the life that you want. There is nothing she has done wrong, so hurt is a stretch. She didn't know you wanted to use the name and it is a family name. There was no malice. You can still use it in future too, if you have a boy. I do hope that pregnancy works out for you.

Honestly this obsession over baby names is ridiculous.

So there might be two cousins in the same family with the same name. And? It’s a name. The only person who will care is you. And there’s every chance you won’t have a baby of that sex and be able to use the name, or you might decide at the last minute as I did that you would prefer another name.

I understand to a degree that you’re irrationally upset because of your situation, but expecting someone not to use a name because it might, one day, be given to what is as yet a hypothetical child is ridiculous.

Does she actually know it's your DPs middle name? Coz I have not got a bloody clue what my brother's middle name is!

I still think YABU though. Nobody owns a name, surely it's first come first serve on who gets dibs.

When you have a bub it may not be the same gender. But if you do just use the name. They can have different nicknames if necessary, lots of boys in my family have the same name. How many times a year would the cousins see each other? Not owning a name goes both ways.
I have just had my bub after years of infertility and IVF. I know how complex your feelings can be.
Try to enjoy a new bub in the family.

That's batshit and cruel

It wouldn't occur to me to check whether my brother planned to use his own middle name as a first name for a child. I've never known anyone to do that, I'd probably assume my brother's names were the only ones they definitely wouldn't choose! Especially since you say they're a family who don't reuse names for sentimental reasons.

What does your DH think @Elle989898 ?

Did she know that you would eventually use this name for your own child? If so, it's selfish of her. When I was pregnant, I had a name picked out for my DD and had told everyone the name I was going to use as it was a variation of my late nans name. My auntie bought a puppy and decided to use my baby name for the puppy! To say I was livid was an understatement!

I have the same first and middle name as my cousin. The middle name is both our mother’s first names so IMO acceptable but the first name isn’t a family name and not common either.

good job we didn’t grow up around each other and are 9 years apart, it’s weird.

My father was a junior. So my grandfather had the same name. None of my aunts and uncles used the name for their kids and my dad only had girls. My cousins sons of my aunt were close to grandpa but since my dad had the same name they stayed clear of using the name thinking we would. I had a son after infertility finally adopted and we didn’t want to do family names. My aunt was sure the baby would be my husband or father’s name. They were quite confused as he just passed before we got him. But my sister was having kids already, so far girls but pregnant again during this time and I thought she may use it or call the baby after the husband. It was another girl. Still my aunt’s 2 sons managed to honor our grandfather by including his last name as a middle, and a nickname they had for him as a first name for another baby boy. The creativity was amazing how they managed to give our grandfather a nod when they named their kids without using my dad’s name. The name would not fit our son. And didn’t seem fair to my husband’s side. You just don’t do family names if you don’t have a likelihood of doing names on both sides. The point is you may never have that gender, like my sister and may not have that gender if you are blessed with a baby yourself. So why can’t another use the name? I kind of wish someone had. Or checked if we were thinking of it so they could have taken the name. Our grandpa died younger so only the 4 of us really knew him. The other cousins didn’t really have a memory of him. Isn’t it more important that someone carried on the name? Does it really matter who? There are so many names. I know you are disappointed but you are disappointed over a phantom. He is an uncle of a baby with that name. You actually have a lot more freedom pick a name. That can be exciting.

Sad through the situation is, nobody owns a name and nothing has been stolen from you.

Oh I can see why you are so hurt if they have taken what should be your tradition. I'm sorry for your losses, OP.

Do they know you want children? I wonder if they thought they were honoring your brother by giving their second child HIS name- sort of carrying on the tradition so he had a child in the family named after him still.

i can understand your hurt but i feel really sad that your SIL might have meant this as a lovely thing and that she will have no idea of how you feel.

I'm sorry for your losses but you are being so unfair and unreasonable

There is no guarantee you'd have a boy when I really hope you do have a baby

And the name belongs to her brothers not yours

So long as you don't put the responsibility of that hurt onto your sil it's ok to feel secretly put out.
She didn't know your name plan...and couldn't have assumed it.

One of those things.

Many cousins have the same middle name (if that’s what you mean), i’m sure she just thought it would be nice to name her son after her brother. I can see why you’re hurt but i don’t think she shouldn't have used it as no reason you cant too if you have a son.

Yanbu op. She should have asked. Regardless if she just likes the name, it's your DH's name and he, as you do, might want to give it to HIS child. She should have discussed with you first.

It's a family name
She didn't know
You might only have girls
You don't own a name
You can still use it

All the reasons why YABU

So the SIL named the baby? Does baby not have a dad who also helped to name it? why is it all the SIL's fault?

(I think sil didn't do anything wrong btw. So much drama about nothing)