SIL used my baby name

I’m really sorry for your losses.

I wonder if they meant well, SIL wanted her son to be named after her brother?

Is the name something that can be shorted like Matthew/Matt, James/Jamie, Oliver/Ollie? If so you could go for the shortened version!

FWIW my nephew has the same name as my son, they are both now grown up and always loved having the same name. Obviously it was sometimes confusing and they often got called by their first and middle names but they loved it.

Changed my mind having read your updates that it’s DHs Family tradition that children take some form of their father’s middle name. SIL & BIL knew that and effectively made it so that if and when you have a PFB, that your family can’t follow your DHs family tradition. Not cool. Can see why your DH is upset also.

I think this is what it comes down to op.

I can't really see what stops you from using the name for a ds in the future. I simply don't see the issue with two boys in the family having the same name.

When our DS was born we called him x. Our best friends had a boy after us. Just before the christening my best friend told me that x had been their favourite name but because we had used it, they chose something else 18 months later. I'd have been flattered rather than cross and felt really sad that they felt they couldn't use their favourite name.

I hope you get a little boy or girl soon and feel able to call them exactly what yiu want to.

Baby loss is really hard. Next week is the Miscarriage Association's Baby Loss week and on 15th October candles will be lit all over the country for our lost babies. I hope some on this thread will light one for you.

This would be a case of having the same first name. So op might say: “ This is my son, Nigel , and my nephew Nigel.” Or grandparents might say: “ These are our grandsons, Nigel and Nigel.”

Nobody will say "hang on that's his cousin's name". And you might do loads together but you will find if you have a child that your circle grows and you'll do loads with families with kids that age totally unconnected to your in laws. It is sad that your husband has been upset by a lovely compliment of having his nephew named after him. He should feel only joy at that.

If the name is something like James, which is a lovely name that lots of people use, you can't expect anyone else not to use it. If the name is something that is quite unusual, that most people wouldn't even think of, such as Percival, then it's a bit odd for her to choose it.
I must admit I find traditions like that a bit odd in modern times, when there are so many names you could choose. Would you have used a name you didn't like, just because it's what they do in your husband's family?

Just use the name? My mum has 2 cousins with her name, 1 with her sister's name and 3 with her brother's name. They are family names and no one has a monopoly on it. The children will have their own pals and be their own people so it will not affect them one jot that their cousin has their name.

Nothing stopping you from using the name too. As you said it’s a family tradition to name the child the father’s middle name. If they moan then make it clear that she’s the one who broke the tradition by using the name in the first place.

I think so. And I do know what my brother-in-law's middle name is but I don't think I necessarily knew before ds was born (and we wouldn't have used it anyway because it's hideous).

Why did SIL use the name? Did your brother not get a say?

It's not that unusual to have names repeated in families. You could still use it as a second name.

I don't think they're doing it because they think you'll never have children - that's a ridiculous leap!

Perhaps they just really like the name and want to use it. Although you would use the name if you had a boy, the facts are you may never have one. We would have used DH's unusual middle name if we'd have had boys, it was top of our list, but we had girls. I would have been fine if SIL used it.

Its a bit of a blow, but I honestly wouldn't stress too much over it. Before my DD was born I was adamant I wanted to name her something to do with a deceased relative. And then when she arrived I just felt completely different. She was brand new and unique - I wanted to call her something that was completely her own and nothing to do with a nod to anyone else. She had no name for a few days and then we decided on something completely different that neither of us had thought of before. I am glad that I waited until she was born before naming, and I love her name.

As this is a tradition, I think what they have done makes it thoughtless - as they would know what your first born son would be called without any discussion. It's not like hankering after the name James- and then SIL calls their 2nd son James.

Why sil and husband would do this? I don't know. My over active mind would run down a rabbit hole and think ...because they think we will never have a child so they can take the name.

This

@Elle989898 i completely get why you are upset. They’re done this as they think you’ll never have kids and they wanted to keep the tradition alive. Very mis guided and hurtful. If you still want to make you child (that I hope you get) after your DH then do so. It’s on your SIL and DP to explain why they used it not you to to others

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt but your SIL is not unreasonable for using the name. Just because you have been given a name doesn’t mean that you own it and no one else can use it.

you can still use the name if you have a boy, it’s a middle name no one will think anything of it.

YANBU

As it's tradition to take father's middle name and use for first born son, and they knew you are TTC, it's hurtful.

I would tell them now ' well you do know if we conceive a boy our children will have the same first name! ' and see if it bothers them enough to rethink.

No one owns a name- true. So I'd make it clear to them that there will be two boys in the family with the same first name.

if and when we had a son

But you can't say when you have a son... You have no idea what you will have. Plenty of couples with children have daughters only. So are they supposed to not use a name they also like incase you have a son?

Sending all the luck and best wishes for you on your tough journey, but YABU for this imo. If the name really means that much to you, just use it still. I know plenty of first cousins with the same name!

I can understand why, after your tragedies, you feel raw, but YABU. When you say that is the tradition in "our" family, I take it you mean your husband's family. Your SIL followed her husband's family tradition for her first child, but for the second perhaps felt it was reasonable to just choose a name she liked. Or perhaps she and her DH are trying to show sympathy and respect to your DH. You could still use that name if you wanted to.

But why are you blaming SIL but not her husband?

You don't own the name. You can still use the name. YABU.

Yabu I'm afraid. You don't own the name.

I said YABU then changed to YANBU when I read your updates. No one owns a name but given its tradition in the family to use Dads middle name as a first name and they did so for their first baby, it seems very thoughtless to use your DH middle name when they know you’re trying to conceive.

Honestly, I would still use the name in future, they can’t claim it anymore than you could.

Plenty of cousins in my family share the same ‘family’ name. This is not unusual, and it’s a normal name.

You're being ridiculous. She used her brother's middle name? For her second son? That's it?

What if you don't even have a boy, just daughters? You're misplacing your grief here. While it's understandable you do need to get some perspective.