SIL used my baby name

That is harsh. Particularly in the context of the OP’s miscarriages.

Sorry that you are experiencing such heartbreak OP.

Gently, I think your thinking is a little askew here.

You can still use your DH's name as a middle name? It doesn't stop you.

YABU Your SIL has had a baby and is allowed to use any name she likes. She had no idea that you may want to use it if you ever did end up having a boy. Get a grip OP.

Is it DH’s family tradition or your family tradition?

How many generations have followed this tract?

Of course it feels hurtful but as you know, and PP have said, it will not have been done maliciously. Maybe they just really liked the name. Even if it is a family tradition (whose family?) they weren’t to know you would follow it. My father’s family had a similar sort of tradition, and my siblings, cousins and I have disregarded it entirely. If you have a son in the future there is nothing to stop you using the name, but you may find yourself feeling differently about it anyway.

I have this problem about to come up. There’s a certain girls name I like (infact it’s the only girls name I like) and my SIL said if she had a girl she would call her this name. I’m now pregnant with a girl (she has 3 boys) and I’m going to call her this name. So this’ll be fun!

The tradition is one that belongs to the Op's family, not the sister's family. She probably doesn't even know, or forgot, or thought how lovely for them and carried on. She is not obliged to follow her SIL's family traditions. I have multiple brothers and sisters in law and haven't a clue about how their families go about naming themselves. Even if I did, I wouldn't think that I had to adopt that tradition because of a sibling's marriage.

Except they would have been aware as it is tradition to use father's middle name as child's name. Bil and sil even did this with their own first child so are 100% following the tradition, so there is no way they are confused or don't know.

But for eg you might only ever have a DD and then the name wouldn't be used. I do think these traditions are a bit much and it's totally fine to break them and use a name of a brother's if the parents like it. Your hurt is understandable in the context of the very sad losses and ongoing struggle but that is what the hurt is from, it's not really about a name, that's just a more tangible focus for it right now. Hope that you can get past it and that things get better for you soon. If/when you have DC, I'm sure that you'll love whatever name they have and this tradition and upset will come into perspective and won't bother you any more. ❤

You can still use it , I have cousins who have the same names , no one cares . I understand why you feel the way you do , you are seeing your sil with what you'd love to have , a baby. It's so hard to watch people having babies while you are grieving the loss of your own .

It was a middle name of her DH which by tradition would have been used as op’s baby’s first name. It was also used as a first name.

eta I see now you were meaning a different poster. I agree middle name use is quite different . I know a family of four brothers who all had their grandfather’s name Henry as a middle name , except the eldest who had it as his first name. Father also had it as a middle name .

I was going to say YABU, but when you updated about tradition I think YANBU.

Dick move from SIL and her partner, especially knowing your situation.

I do hope it works out for you and would still use the name if you want to.

I get that it hurts esp with your history, but you don't own a name.
My SIL gave her daughter my daughters middle name as a middle name too (its a family name). My daughter was stillborn. It hurts but I get it as its a family name. I also understand I do not own a name.

YANBU
im usually very relaxed about names but this situation is very different. She basically implies that you won’t have your own baby boy so your DH’s middle name can be used by her. It’s very insensitive and rude.
I think your DH should tell her how it looks and how he feels.

Wish you luck and hope for good news for you soon. And when they come - do what you like about the.name, don’t listen anyone, apart from your DH of course.

Initially I thought YABU on the basis that you hadn't told them (and they're not mind readers).

However, the tradition changes that. Assuming this is a well established family tradition, and that blood Uncle/Aunt aren't a part of it, then I think this is bad form. They know that you're trying to conceive and that there is a 50/50 change of you having a boy. So they have in effect used 'your' name because tradition states that you would call your child that name, if they were a boy. The fact you have had miscarriages makes this very insensitive IMO.

I'm sorry for your losses.

I think that’s a horrible thing for them to do in the context of your losses and given the family tradition.

And no the fact that it’s ‘her brother’s’ name carries no weight - I can’t understand people going on about ‘wanting to honour’ and being all family-focused as if that’s a good reason… no, if she felt strongly about family and tradition and respecting her brother, then they would have automatically thought ‘Oh no, I’d never do that to brother and SIL, that will obviously be the naming tradition they follow in THEIR family and I don’t want to look as if I’m dismissing that’.

I wouldn’t blame your DH for saying something to his sister. If I were him I would be really unhappy with it.

Every 1st born son of a male has that middle name. Yes, I was upset because my SIL is not a male and knew we would use it for our DS! I don't care about the name, I care that she did that to hurt me. She's a nasty piece of work and has done lots to me over the years. So it's an accumulation of her work lol. My son still has the middle name and the surname to go with it. She doesn't even have the same surname as her child so it just makes me laugh now!

Sorry now.... you are annoyed because somebody used a middle name you also wanted to use as a middle name???? Good grief!

YADNU to feel upset. Your DH especially, as he wants to pass his name to a future son as per tradition. If they are normally caring/nice people, I would try to reframe my feelings from 'hurt' to upset, and consider that people frequently do thoughtless things, without meaning to hurt, at these sort of times. Wishing you both luck for the future 🍀

Just to add, like the poster above we also have multiples of certain names in our family. Never ever been an issue.

My SIL gave her son my DH middle name full well knowing we would be using it as every 1st born son of a male in the family has the same middle name. Our DS still has that middle name and I know she did it to spite me! Oh well! Have nothing to do with her anymore. But it does hurt! Her son has a different surname so it's not the same.

I'm really sorry about your baby losses. That is really hard.

But the name thing is unreasonable I'm afraid. Your SIL has used her brother's middle name. That is a very lovely and completely natural thing to do. Lot's of people chose family names when naming their baby. She obviously loves the name and her brother. She may or may not be aware that you were considering that name. It is unlikely that she knows you feel so emotionally invested in the name.

x

I think it’s really cruel if there’s a tradition of boys being named their dad’s middle name in the family. Perhaps in some warped way they thought your DH would like it? But I agree, taking into account your losses (which they are aware of) I really think this was a misstep and incredibly unfair. I actually do think your DH should talk to his brother to try and understand the thinking behind it otherwise it will fester and become a sore point for many years to come.

OP in my DHs family there are a lot of boys across siblings/cousins. They all have a mish mash of each others names 😂 nobody cared and it has never caused a problem AFAIK, they all suit the name(s). There are (say) 2 Michael johns, a John Michael, a john (something), a Michael (something) etc…

I have six male cousins, one has the first name (say) John. The other five have it as a middle name.

So whilst I get the upset, it’s really common in our extended family at least. And it’s not a name they picked and used out of the blue, it’s a family name.

But I also think, op, you actually CAN just follow it. The Nigel and Nigel business will be of their making not yours, and your son will have the stronger connection with his Dad.

Anyway, I’m sorry it has rubbed in the hurt of miscarriage and I can understand how that must feel.