SIL used my baby name

I'm not sure why you cannot use the name if the time (hopefully) comes?

Perhaps you are very understandably still hurt from losing two pregnancies quite close together? Nobody has intended to hurt you over the name, it's a coincidence that SIL chose it. Traditionally two cousins or more may get the same name if the name is already in the family and there is no reason for you not to choose it as well. In practice the two children may change it slightly anyway.

My Mam used to say that family traditions are something that happened once or twice and one person wanted it to continue so labelled it as a tradition.

I think she was referring to some Christmas arrangements which two of her sisters insisted on sticking to every year despite it being very inconvenient and troublesome for the rest of the family and some people not wanting to participate. After the first couple of years of this, the sisters started calling it a "family tradition" and then it was very hard for the others to say fuck off no, that doesn't work for me because "family tradition" is quite emotive really.

Isn't it fairly normal to use someone's name as a middle name, or visa versa? My mother's middle name was used for my sister? You don't own a name.

I get it OP, pretty insensitive but it doesn’t stop you from using the name too.

Just use it too! SIL and I both like the same girls name (I initially mentioned it, then she got pregnant and mentioned she might use it if it's a girl). I said that's absolutely fine, as long as she is ok with me also using the name if we get pregnant again and have a little girl. She's having a boy, and I don't know what I'm having yet!

And I do think your sil was thoughtless given your circumstances.

I can understand your feelings which must have been heightened by your sad losses. I hope you have your own baby soon, you could always skip tradition, use dh’s middle name as your baby’s middle name and find an even lovelier first name. Wishing you your own baby soon.

These traditions are a bit daft anyway. What if the mother of the child really doesn't like her husband's middle name? Surely she'd object and that would be the end of the tradition.

Thats what I was thinking! Theres no way I would be choosing my baby’s name to be some predestined name that my husband has as his middle name because it’s a famiky tradition in THEIR family. What if I hated it!?

My DH’s family had a bit of a thing where the firstborn son was given a certain name as a middle name for a few generations but it was a horrible name-my DH hated it and so did his dad. We don’t choose that middle name for our firstborn!

In my family, it tends to be (and I won’t say it’s a ‘family tradition’ because that makes it sound like something set in stone) that people choose a name they love as the first name and then the middle name is often a family name they like. It sounds sensible to me to just choose a name you both like.

I’ve just been reminded of a colleague at work years ago who was devastated that her cousin had named her baby a name that she had wanted to use for her baby boy since she was a child. She hadn’t told the cousin this though. The colleague was in her 30s at the time, but had no partner/wasn’t pregnant and in fact this was 15 years ago and she has never had any children. Very sad but you can’t obviously prevent other people choosing names they like.

Yeah don't you hate when you go to bed and wake up without a name because a burglar snuck in in the night and took it.

My friend Sarah is still furious, she loved being a Sarah but is now shes Lucia as thats all the name shop had left in stock after her name got stolen at an airport on holiday.

Its a very real threat people, I have heard immigrants are coming over here and taking all of our names... and trans people

adjusts tin foil hat

She really isn’t being unreasonable to use a name that has a family connection for her. I am sorry for your losses, and I hope you have your own baby one day, but until then love your new nephew and his name. And remember there is no reason why cousins can’t have the same name when the time comes for your child to be named, though I am pretty sure that when that day arrives the baby’s name will be the last thing on your mind.

I think you have a point in these circumstances OP.
She probably did want to honour her DB, but it was a little thoughtless and because of your situation with TTC, she could have been more thoughtful and asked for your opinion. There were other favourite names they could have used if they had been more careful about thinking it through.
So I’m really sorry about the hurt you are experiencing with miscarriages and with this blow on top. It must feel very tough right now.

Don’t write off the idea of using the same name though if you have a boy or maybe a female twist on the same name if you have a girl. It’s family tradition that you don’t wish to let go of and that should be accepted by your family.
Good luck OP !

This issue is 100% your own making. You some have decided to be upset, you can decide to not be upset.

Move on, and focus on things under your control. Being upset won’t change anything,

And what law stops you using it?

You have literally not lost anything in regards to the name except the ability to use it first.

I went through a decade of infertility and loss. When I had my DS before even leaving the hospital distant family started contacting me to say that name had already been used by a cousin (didn't even know). DH family announced at meeting our child but you have a niece with the variant of it that uses that (like Charles and Charlotte both going by Charlie) and my response was 'oh well, thats nice' and then just ignore it.

I was robbed of enough over the years, not changing my name that I had picked for decades and loved just because fertile Mertyl beat me too it. My DS loves his name and it has effected him negatively not once in his life. Day to day in school, friends and everything else they have zero idea he has cousins with the same/similar name.

Just use what name you want. It doesn't matter if cousins have the same name.

In my family we have several Chrises, Davids and Jacks and it's not a problem.

Sorry OP but you are being unreasonable here.
You don't own the name.
You might only have girls.
I don't see what the problem is with both children having the same name. We have cousins in our family who have the same name because both sets of parents wanted to name them after a much-loved grandparent. We also have a grandma, mother and daughter with the same name.

What's the family tradition for naming a second boy if the tradition is to use the middle name of the father for the first born son?

These traditions are a bit daft anyway. What if the mother of the child really doesn't like her husband's middle name? Surely she'd object and that would be the end of the tradition.

Did she definitely KNOW that this was to be your baby'name? Had you told her?

I'm really sorry for all you're going through. It's so painful to want a baby and have losses and spend so much time trying. (Full disclosure I am out the other side of this after eventual success with IVF.)

Anyone who hasn't had losses and just had their babies whenever they wanted can never know what it is like. I imagine they didn't even think about what you two are going through and assumed it would just be nice to use her brother's middle name. Unfortunately it is unlikely to have crossed their minds that you are hoping to follow the family tradition of using the dad's middle name.

I hope you do have your baby in the not too distant future and feel able to use whatever name you choose.

Is it a name that can be adapted / modernised eg. Peter - Peter John becomes PJ?

So both your and your dhs family have a tradition where the fathers middle name is used for the first son born ? I have never heard of this. What if you don't like the name? What if it's a really awful name, would you still be made to name your child this ? What happens if you refuse to use the name ?

If this is something that has been carried on for centuries does it mean you need to check with every male member in both families their middle name so that you don't call your other children the same name? That sounds crazy, what if the family is big, DH has 8 brothers that would mean I'd have to ask all their middle names and then I have 4 brothers so that's a total of 12 names I can't use for any of my children that I have , then there's also bils on both side.

No disrespect but you don't have children yet, no one knows what's ahead, you could have successfull pregnancies and they all be girls.

There really isn't anything wrong with more than 2 people with the same name in a family. When I met DH his sister has the same name as me, his brother is married to a woman with the same name as me, one of dhs brothers is in his second marriage and the woman has a girl with the same name as one of my DDS. We're always going to meet someone with the same name jeeze in Ireland some households have 2 people with the same name.

We've also been ttc for years. Just had our first pregnancy and currently going through MMC. I had pegged a name that was beloved from childhood for a daughter (after a book character I loved). Told a friend who was pregnant the name (years before TTC though) and she took it. It's a fairly unusual name so it was no coincidence. It's hurt for years and years. My DP says he didn't like it anyway, but still it hurts. Just telling that anecdote to say that nobody feeling hurt by something is unreasonable. Especially the complex sadness with ttc and pregnancy loss. I'm sorry you're also in the club, I hope when you do finally have your own DC that the hard feeling of this will soften. I hope for me too!

I think you know that you are unreasonable OP.

A) she had no idea that you were wanting to use the name.
B) you can still use it!!
C) you are getting upset about 'your name' when it's not 'your name'!
D) harsh as this may sound...you might not even have a chance to use this name...you could have girls!

Massively overreacting here...feel however you like, but then get a grip and move on!

Name stealing??
😅😅😅

I'm sorry for everything you've been through firstly, but you are definitely being unreasonable. Not least to let your mother in law name your child which is essentially what this tradition is, hopefully she's a bit of a pain and this helps you reframe 😂. But you may have a girl too, or multiples when giving one child the name would make them seem favoured etc. Now you get to think of a name you truly love for the name itself and not traditions sake of a dictated name.

It depends, firstly did she even know you wanted to use that name if you have a baby? Secondly is it a male name (as you said its your partners middle name I assume it's most likely a boys name) as even if you have a child you could have all girls. So yes I think yabu because why should she not name her child a name she wants to? I see it as if you both like a name whoever has a baby first can use it. Also you could still use the name. Travellers have lots of people in their families with the same name